


I'll trade vision for voice, and we'll see which is better

by chailattemusings



Series: old queers and new queers [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, casual ableism in the dialogue, i tried really hard to avoid it, let me know if you want a specific warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-26 09:18:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 46,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1683119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chailattemusings/pseuds/chailattemusings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lately, Gavin Free's life has been mostly confusion, with a side order of stubborn determination to ignore how attractive Ryan Haywood is. That is, until the day Ryan starts flirting back, and not even Gavin's frantic attempts at avoiding his feelings can save him; he's in deep, and it's fucking terrifying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. please make this basic inference

 

It shocked Gavin, the first time he noticed Ryan wearing his glasses. He'd started coming into the Achievement Hunter office more often, participating in Let's Plays and helping them edit rather than being the 'IT guy.' Gavin noticed him, with his broad shoulders, soft hair, and winning smile that made everyone around him want to laugh or cringe depending on his tone of voice. He pushed the details down in the bowels of his mind where he wouldn't touch them, too wary of Geoff's concerns about how well Ryan would work in their dynamic, whether they would be able to keep him in Achievement Hunter at all, or kick him out of their tiny green room with an apology.

And there was the fact that Gavin was decidedly not interested in him, no matter how handsome he was. No need to get invested in someone who didn't work directly with them.

But Ryan was funny and good at games, with the right amount of dark streak not to be boring. And while he could play with them using a headset and a complicated set up at his desk, it proved better for him to be in the same room, sharing the chemistry of the other Achievement Hunters.

After Ryan spent some time hiding in the annex at his desk, quiet but diligent in his work, he came to their office for one of the first recordings together, and, to Gavin's surprise, donned a pair of glasses that sat high on his nose, pushing them up further to secure their place as he opened his workstation and prepared for the show. Gavin knew he'd seen them before, glimpsing a flash of glass and plastic before Ryan tugged them off to tuck back in the case he kept in his back pocket, but Ryan was secretive about their presence. This was the first time he took them out ahead of time, unabashedly giving himself a new look.

“Ryan, you're wearing your glasses,” Gavin said, and spun around in his chair to scrutinize him, eyes narrowed and mouth twisting in a grin as he readied himself to fire a cheeky joke at whatever Ryan said back to him.

But he replied only with, “Yep,” as he worked, not looking at Gavin or betraying any hint of embarrassment. Gavin pouted and turned back around, opportunity for mischief lost. At least until Ryan said, “Why, do they make me even more dashing than usual?”

Gavin rolled his eyes and laughed with everyone else at the comment, but he couldn't help the slight heat he felt in his cheeks. He didn't have to turn around to know Ryan was looking at him now, daring him to say anything else.

He got points for being able to banter with him, then.

After that, Gavin made a point to mention his glasses whenever Ryan wore them. A voice of caution tingled in the back of his skull, worrying about what the others might think he was doing and why Gavin attached so eagerly to him so early on, but he reasoned that harmless teasing would lead to nothing more than a few extra laughs, which he always aimed to provide for the office.

Before each recording, and when Ryan had to do delicate work, he slipped them out of the red case in his pocket and put them on, and if Gavin was around, he would say something like, “Ryan's got his glasses again, looking like a true gent.” Or, “Your classiness just skyrocketed, Ryan.”

It went mostly unnoticed, other than when Michael once said, “Gee, you'd think Gavin had a glasses kink or something.” He blushed at that, stumbling in his editing and making a mistake he quickly had to undo, ducking his head to glance at Ryan. For his part, Ryan didn't say much of anything after the first time, only occasionally raising an eyebrow. He took the jokes in stride, not one to be upset at a little mockery.

Weeks passed like that, the teasing dying down the fewer jokes Gavin could come up with. It didn't stop him from glancing when Ryan donned the glasses, somehow unable to forget how they looked, and Ryan would smirk and quirk his brow in that way that made Gavin's stomach flutter and blood rush to his face. It was dangerous as all hell to let it go on, to let himself stare and comment on it in a way that had Geoff turning to give him a look that meant he knew what Gavin was doing, but nothing had come of it so far, and as long as Ryan wasn't reciprocating, Gavin figured it was all right.

It turned into a ritual, and the other men, aside from Geoff's looks or Michael's occasional quip, didn't say anything.

It culminated one day, when Gavin and Ryan were alone in the office. Ryan had his glasses again, typing away some code Gavin knew nothing about, and Gavin chewed away the minutes with editing, not satisfied to take his lunch until he reached a good stopping point. Geoff had taken the day off, Michael and Ray were at lunch, and Jack had left to ask Joel about something. Gavin kept his eyes on his computer, ignoring the tingling in the back of his neck as long as he could. It skittered up and down his spine, like a bug under the skin. Gavin huffed. He knew exactly where it came from, but refused to acknowledge it. The tingling remained, trailing down his shoulders.

“Bloody hell, Ryan, if you want something, say it!” Gavin said, tearing his headphones off and catching Ryan staring at him the way he knew he had been for the last ten minutes. “God, I hate the feeling of somebody watching me like that.”

Ryan smiled and shook his head. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”

“What were you thinking of so hard it was melting my brain?” The anger ebbed away, replaced by curiosity. Gavin swung back and forth in his chair, watching Ryan hum as he thought of an answer.

“Well.” He paused to pick up his glasses in one hand, twirling them around. “I wondered why you stopped giving me such nice compliments on my eye wear.”

Oh, bloody hell. Gavin couldn't help the breath he let out hard through his nose, suspicious of the tone and the way Ryan's lips had curled up. “Old news, innit?”

“I guess.” He shrugged and put them back on, flashing his teeth at Gavin. “I liked it, though. Made me feel better about having wonky eyes.”

Ignoring how that made his stomach flip, Gavin said, “Nothing wrong with it, just caught me off guard when I first saw 'em, and, well . . . tradition.” He shrugged, like his endless shenanigans couldn't be helped.

Ryan nodded, understanding. “I get that.” He paused, long enough that Gavin started to turn his chair back around, and said, “Do you like them?”

Gavin stopped his chair, twisting back to look at Ryan over the armrest. “The glasses? Yeah, sure. Good look on you.” Better than Gavin would admit.

Ryan smiled at him again. Gavin tried his best to return it without looking like a doofus, and hurried to replace his headphones and get back to his work. The tingling sensation of Ryan watching him came back a few minutes later, but Gavin steeled himself to ignore it.

Thankfully, it vanished, just before Jack returned, Joel trailing behind him so Jack could show him the next game he wanted Joel to play with Adam.

The stakes rose in the kitchen the next day. Gavin was making himself coffee, because Red Bull sucked balls, and as long as he wasn't recording a Let's Play, coffee served as a wonderful way of keeping him awake. He tapped the counter, humming idly while he watched the coffee brew, the bubbling noises getting louder as it prepared his caffeine heaven.

A sudden presence behind his neck made Gavin jump and yelp, turning around and nearly smacking his face against Ryan's. The older man drew back with a smirk. “Sorry, did I scare you?”

“Bloody-- stop that!” Gavin put a hand to his chest, feeling the harsh beating underneath his fingers and hoping it was from fear rather than . . . something else. “You'd think you were a stalker, Jesus.”

Ryan shrugged, but didn't move more than an inch back before eyeing the coffee pot. Gavin noticed, once again, he was wearing his glasses. He never wore them when he wasn't directly involved in work, but perhaps Ryan was just stopping in the kitchen and too lazy to put them away before getting what he needed. Fuck, he had to stop thinking about it.

Ryan pointed to the pot. “What kind is that?”

“Uh.” Gavin fumbled for the coffee tin, resting on the counter beside the fridge. “Just instant,” he said, holding it up for Ryan to see.

“Eh, I could go for a cup.” Ryan reached above Gavin to the cabinet, purposefully leaning in his space, filling Gavin's face with a great heaping of his chest and his scent and a shirt that was just a little too tight, shifting up to reveal part of his stomach. He ignored the mugs on the first shelf and grabbed one of the highest he could manage. Gavin pressed against the counter until it dug into his hips, but Ryan only used that to move closer, chest pressed almost to Gavin's nose, warmth and a pleasantly masculine smell with a hint of deodorant swirling around him. Gavin breathed in without thinking, palms digging in the edge of the counter as he struggled to hold himself up.

When Ryan drew back and set his cup next to Gavin's empty mug, he grinned, as though he knew that Gavin knew what he'd done.

Gavin had a suspicion that Ryan knew this very well indeed.

“I was thinking.” Ryan busied himself with grabbing a spoon and the milk from the fridge, leaving a flustered Gavin to stew in his own thoughts, only drawn out when he realized Ryan was talking to him. He continued, “We don't hang out much, do we?”

That _should_ be a safe subject, but Gavin could hear the lilting in Ryan's voice, the hint that he wanted to speak about something deeper, a tone Gavin only heard when he was in dark places with loud music and alcohol in his hands. He gulped, and said, “You don't go out with us much.”

“Well.” Ryan set his supplies by his cup. “Maybe I don't want to hang out with the whole crew.”

Gavin's breath hitched, and he tried not to let it rush out when Ryan stepped close in his space again. “I think we should fix that. I don't see enough of you outside work.”

A tingle rose up Gavin's spine, softer and yet harsher than when he had felt Ryan watching him, as Ryan bent in close, his lips inches from Gavin's, glasses sliding down his nose when his face tilted. “I'd like some quality time with you, Gavin.”

Danger, his mind warned, extreme danger to the highest degree. Gavin opened his mouth, whether to lean in and catch what Ryan was offering, or to speak against it, he wasn't sure. But he was cut off by the coffee pot, the buttons flicking off as it finished brewing, so loud that Gavin jolted. Ryan pulled back to peer at it, and Gavin used the chance he had to squirm away, picking up his mug and holding it like a shield in front of him. “S-sounds great,” he stuttered, “but, ah, you know, I'm pretty knackered today, might go home early and take a nap, you know?”

Ryan nodded, not fazed, eyes going to Gavin before they fixed on the coffee pot. Gavin shifted from foot to foot, keeping the mug with him. The silence stretched between them, charged with energy that had nowhere to go, breaking when Ryan picked up the pot to fill his own mug. He offered it to Gavin, but rather than let Ryan do it, he put his cup down and took the pot from him, careful not to let their fingers touch. “Thanks,” he muttered, dashing away the second his cup filled and he put the pot down, so tense that he missed the coffee stand entirely, and didn't bother to try again.

He refused to speak directly to Ryan the rest of that day, but he didn't get much work done, either. His mind kept going back to the kitchen, to the proximity he felt, the way Ryan's barely there breath hit his lips, how close they'd been before his attention was diverted, and how near he'd been to falling for it all and tossing himself over an edge he couldn't come back from. Ghosts of the shivers he'd felt continued up and down his spine, and the twisting of his stomach he seemed prone to as of late was worse than ever, so much so that Gavin felt sick enough to actually use his excuse of leaving early. “I'm heading out,” he told Geoff around four, saving what little work he'd managed. “Not feeling well. Gonna catch a cab.”

“All right,” Geoff said, absorbed in his own task. “Be sure Minecraft gets edited on time, though, okay?”

“Yeah.” Gavin had barely made a dent in that recording. He would have to stay late the next day to be sure it uploaded on time. “See ya.”

As he passed the couch on his way to the door, Gavin swore he could feel Ryan looking at him again, but when he turned, Ryan's eyes were on his own work, glasses glinting in the low afternoon sunlight. Gavin sighed quietly and left, feet heavy on the floor tiles.

Flirting was not the issue. He pursed his lips as he walked across the parking lot and lifted his phone to call the cab company in his contacts, reciting the address robotically as he lost himself in thoughts. No, Gavin was excellent at flirting when there was nothing to lose. The overwhelming popularity of the fans' projected relationship between himself and Michael was a testament to that. He could touch and play and flirt with Michael all goddamn day, because it didn't mean anything. Michael had Lindsay to go home to.

Ryan, on the other hand, was not in the same territory as his boy. For one, he was single. For two, he didn't have the kind of close relationship with Gavin that Michael or Geoff did, close enough that physical touch stopped mattering, and any lingering looks were a guaranteed joke. No, Ryan was a friend, but far enough from Gavin that he couldn't determine his motives at a glance.

And the _feelings_ didn't help. Gavin slipped in the cab and rolled off Geoff's house address as he slumped in the seat, brow furrowed. When exactly Ryan started making his heart flutter, he didn't know, but the games in the office had suddenly escalated, and the way his muscles tensed and his heart thudded told Gavin that if he didn't stop this soon, he might have to accept what Ryan was offering for the sake of his own curiosity. Not that that would be terrible, but . . . it might be awkward, after. Gavin hung his head against the cab window, eyes blinking slowly.

The final encounter happened a week later. Gavin had breathed with relief at the lack of a recurrence, had thought they were done with it despite Ryan still glancing at him and his new tendency to wear glasses even when he wasn't working on some form of screen. Regardless of the little hints, Gavin stopped making comments toward him entirely, putting a little distance between them lest Ryan get the wrong idea, and it seemed to work, at first.

On this particular day, Gavin was alone at his desk, rolling his shoulders to get rid of the tension of putting together their latest video. They were set to record after lunch, with a game that hopefully wouldn't hold them up so long that no one got to leave until late. The four- and five- hour recordings pushed a kind of tightness into Gavin that wouldn't be worked out for days.

Ryan came in, sporting his glasses, _again_. Gavin didn't think he should look at him, set on diffusing the electricity Ryan insisted on sparking between them whenever they happened to meet gazes. But he didn't blame himself for looking up, either. Ryan gave one of his coy smiles and waltzed the short distance to Gavin's desk, setting a palm on the surface, leaning over Gavin so his shirt hung just a few inches off him and revealed the indent of his collarbone. Gavin swallowed, loud enough Ryan could surely hear it. “Hey, Rye.”

“Hi, Gavin.” He looked at Gavin's monitor, in the process of saving, and back at him. “You remember what I mentioned a while back? About spending some time together?”

As if he could forget. “Oh. Uh, yeah.” Gavin swiveled in his chair to release the extra energy bursting through him, ready to bolt if need be. No doubt it would be childish, but he was running out of options at this point. He had done everything except all out state he wasn't interested, and still Ryan wouldn't give up. Gavin was beginning to wonder if he really wanted him to, as the opportunity looked more and more appealing with the earnestness and kind offers.

Ryan's smile widened, the skin around his eyes crinkled with knowledge and plans Gavin could only guess at. “What do you say we do that today? I'll buy you a couple beers, drive you home.”

Free bevs were always tempting, even if the last thing he wanted was a night of more than friends activity. Gavin licked his lips. “Geoff is making beef tonight. He'll probably want me back for dinner.”

“I can get you back in time.” Ryan tilted his head, eyes searching Gavin's face for an answer he wasn't giving. “Come on, you hang out with everybody else. I feel left out.”

Like bloody hell, he did. Gavin could practically see the wheels turning. But the fluttering of his stomach and the blood rushing to his face as he was pressed for a response stopped the 'no' he had been prepared to give. His lips felt dry and he swiped his tongue over them again. It didn't help.

“Sure,” Gavin said, wondering to himself why the hell he was taking the bait. His eyes were drawn to the hang in Ryan's shirt, the skin he could just see peeking beneath it, and he remembered the kitchen incident with almost tender fondness. There were never that close during work hours before, and it was surely part of a plan that he didn't want to follow. But Gavin had always been bad at resisting temptation.

“Great.” Ryan smiled and tapped the desk with his fingers twice as he stood straight, moving to his precious couch and seating himself behind the tangled, fragile mess that was his temporary desk. “Wait for me at the end of the day, all right?”

It was a question, but the command in Ryan's tone was impossible to miss. Gavin nodded weakly, regret filling him already, that he swiftly followed with a mental insistence that it was just _bevs_ , and he went out with the others all the time without anything happening. “Yeah, I will.”

“Awesome. So, what are we recording again?”

The ease with which Ryan slipped from intensive flirt to coworker made Gavin shudder.

* * *

Geoff clamped a hand on the back of Gavin's chair after he shut down his station, the day gone and Geoff ready to settle at home with a beer and games that weren't ruined by work. “Come on, buddy, we're going.”

Gavin shrunk into himself at the look Ryan slid him from the couch, and met Geoff's gaze. “Uh. I'm going out with Ryan today for a couple bevs.”

Predictably, Geoff's eyebrow arched, but the other members of the office hadn't let it go unnoticed, either. Michael spun his chair to face Gavin, lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed. “Ryan? Since when do you two hang out?”

Rather than leave Gavin to the wolves, Ryan helpfully chimed in. “Since today. I decided I don't see enough of Gavin outside work.”

The unabashed confession made Gavin sink lower in his chair.

Jack laughed at Ryan, shaking his head. “Wow, so that doesn't sound creepy at all.”

“Maybe he'll put you in the hole,” Ray added, and Michael stopped being puzzled long enough to roll his eyes at him.

“It's just bevs,” Gavin said, wishing he could disappear.

Geoff's hand hadn't moved from Gavin's chair, and slid to his shoulder to squeeze once. “I'll keep my phone on me,” he said. “Text me if you need a ride.” The protectiveness curled in the air around Gavin, promising safety, and threats if anything went wrong. He gained a little confidence and nodded at Geoff, giving him a tiny smile.

Hesitating, Geoff pat his shoulder, and hoisted his bag on his back. “All right, see you later.”

Thankfully, after that exchange, Ryan finished his work fast and closed down the temporary station, moving the equipment to the safety of the space between Jack's desk and the wall. He tucked his glasses away and stood, throwing a glance at Gavin, who turned his computer off and got up. Before he could follow Ryan out the door, he felt a tug on his wrist, and turned to see Michael, still at his desk. “Be careful.”

Gavin shrugged him off with a laugh that was more for himself than it was for Michael. “You guys act like I'm going off with a serial killer.”

Michael said nothing, so Gavin nodded and said, “I'll be fine, Michael. You're my boy.”

He had to smile at that. “You're my boy, Gavin.”

Ryan was waiting in the hall, peering at the office as Gavin closed the door and walked to meet him. “You'd think I was sending you to your death.”

“It's just odd.” Gavin tried to keep his voice level, but the way Ryan continued to look at him while they made their way outside made him quiver in anticipation. “We don't hang out, you know?”

“Fair point.” Ryan opened the passenger door of his car, like a true gentleman, and waited for Gavin to be seated before he crossed around the back and got in, turning the key in the engine and pulling out to the busy, end of the day Austin traffic. “Where do you want to go?”

“Any place is fine.” Gavin looked out the window and silently told himself it would probably be best if he kept it under three beers tonight, Ryan's offer of purchasing aside. He didn't share Geoff and Michael's concern for his well being-- Geoff scrutinized potential members of Achievement Hunter to death, and wouldn't dare hire anyone he _truly_ thought was off-- but he had a feeling that whatever happened tonight, it would be something he wanted to have a clear head for, rather than slip into a faint, drunken haze.

Ryan chose a quiet bar that would be mostly full of people relaxing after a long day, the light not yet gone enough for the evening crowds to start filling in. He found a parking space on the sidewalk, urging Gavin to stay put so he could open the door for him again. Gavin, bemused, snorted, and suddenly the weight in his chest lifted. This was still Ryan, his imposing-- and admittedly arousing-- behavior aside. Gavin loved him like he loved everyone he worked with and it wouldn't hurt to spend a night drinking together.

Ryan ordered a beer for Gavin and a light for himself, promising it would be the only one he had and that it wouldn't impair his driving. Gavin shrugged and snapped the cap off his first bottle, used to Geoff chauffeuring him around town with three or four drinks in his system.

“So.” Ryan set his hands on the table. “What's a chap like you normally do during the evenings? Get drunk with Geoff, I presume?”

Gavin slowed down on his drink to give him an answer. “Sometimes, yeah. TV and movies are good, too, though, and Griffon would kill me if I got drunk every night. Geoff's far better at handling bevs than I am.”

“Hm.” Ryan steepled his fingers in front of him, resting his chin on them. The way it presented his face as if on a platter made Gavin think of food. His eyes fell on Ryan's lips, and the natural thought progression forced him to hide behind his drink again.

Ryan didn't sit like that long, chuckling at Gavin's long swig before he put his hands down to grab the menu. “I'm going to grab something quick while you're working on the beers, get my drink out of my system faster. Do you mind?”

“Nah.” Gavin shook his head. After a long day at work, without even the liberty to drink that being Gavin's designated driver restricted him to, the fact that Ryan didn't hurry him through his drink to get home as soon as possible surprised him. Ryan never struck him as the 'stay out late at night' type of guy, and even Geoff liked to stop home for a while before he said goodbye to Griffon and dragged Gavin on their bikes to his bar of the night and slammed down ten shots in the span of an hour. And those nights were rare.

Gavin got pulled from his thoughts again at the sight of Ryan in his glasses, reading the menu. He'd pulled them out to squint at his choices, pushing the frames up with two fingers when they shifted. He scrutinized the menu until he saw something he liked, and waved the nearest waitress over to ask her politely for what he wanted, raising a questioning eyebrow to Gavin, who shook his head and raised his beer to his lips again.

The waitress smiled indulgently at Ryan as she took his order for a half sandwich and chips. “Anything else?” she said, looking pointedly at Ryan. No doubt she might look at Gavin if she heard him speak and noticed his accent, but for looks, Ryan had him beat and Gavin knew it. Ryan said no and thanked her, and Gavin's heart lightened when she finally walked away. “She was eyeing you up and down.”

“Eh.” Ryan shrugged. “Not my type.” Leaving his glasses on, Ryan settled his elbow on the table and put his chin on his palm. Even casually leaning across the table, the way Ryan's shirt strained against his shoulder, and the grin he flashed at him, made Gavin's stomach churn. As if reading his thoughts, Ryan spoke up. “You know I didn't invite you here just for drinks.”

Gavin sputtered, hands flying with nowhere to go and settling back on the table helplessly. “Well, I guess.” He swallowed. “The hints weren't, ah, subtle, really.”

Ryan drew his eyebrows together, as if he actually thought Gavin didn't suspect anything. “Was I not? I hoped to wile you with my charm without giving myself away,” he said with heavy sarcasm, chuckling quietly.

That he would admit it so readily, so confidently, tickled and frightened Gavin. He shrunk back in his chair. Without thinking about the repercussions, he said, “It still worked.”

A pause, in which Ryan stared a long moment as Gavin ducked his head and did his best not to blush. This _wasn't_ just bevs and he had to get out of here soon, he was making a mistake, and if Geoff were here he would tell Gavin exactly why he shouldn't be doing this. A night out was all fun and games until the target was a close friend and coworker.

“Hey, Gavin. Look at me.”

He did.

Ryan smiled reassuringly. “Calm down. I'm not here to take you against your will or anything.” He smirked again. “Not that I wouldn't object to a little rough play.”

Gavin wanted to groan, but stifled it. Now was not the time for sex jokes, and it didn't help Gavin's decision to leave this the fuck alone, no matter how much red Ryan put in his cheeks.

“Listen,” he continued, reaching a hand out. He held it palm up. Gavin hesitated, and took it, sparks running down his fingers at the strange intimacy of the touch. Ryan curled his fingers, thumb stroking the side of Gavin's hand. “I'm interested in you. I have been for a while. But I waited, because you never seemed into people like me.” At Gavin's look, Ryan elaborated, “Men.”

“Oh.” A blush crept up Gavin's neck. “That's-- I try not to draw attention to it.” Which was possibly the understatement of the year.

“I don't think you're very good at it.” Ryan laughed. “You couldn't stop staring at my glasses.”

“Ha, yeah.” Gavin laughed with him, and it felt good, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly. He tightened his grasp on Ryan's hand. “They look good. Make you look older. Not in a bad way!” Gavin backtracked, heart beating fast at the mockingly insulted expression Ryan shot him. “I mean, more mature. Smart. Bollocks.” Gavin tried to take his hand away and get out of the conversation before he put his foot in his mouth again.

But Ryan held fast. Gavin whined and dropped his head low.

“I know what you meant.” Ryan was smiling again, putting his other hand out to cover Gavin's completely and rub it a couple times. “I'm not trying to scare you. I want to be honest about all this. Getting involved with a coworker is tricky.”

He could say that again. Gavin could only imagine the stares from everyone if he came to work in the same clothes, in Ryan's car. The looks from Geoff would never end. It was one thing to act like a scared baby bird as he explored the alternative bars in Austin to sate his curiosity, to end up with nights that had Gavin swearing he wouldn't do it again, until he saw Griffon dressing up for a fun night and asked, yet again, for her to drive him so he could try his luck. It was another thing entirely to risk a night like that with Ryan, to let himself fall for the temptation and risk awkwardness that would never resolve itself.

All Gavin said was, “Yeah.”

Ryan drew back slightly, still holding Gavin's hand, but moving the other hand so it was in his lap. “We can call it a night here, Gavin. No pressure. I'm bringing it up so you can think about it.”

Gavin licked his lips. “I--”

“Here we are!”

He stopped when their waitress returned, a plastic basket of food in one hand. She slid it in front of Ryan, breaking the hold they had on each other's hands, and leaned a little too close for Gavin's comfort. Ryan sat, unmoved, and said, “Thanks.”

She grinned at him. “Anytime. Let me know if you need anything else, honey.”

“Will do.” Ryan turned back to Gavin and put his hand back on his chin. The sudden lack of attention had the waitress standing straight again, mouth slightly agape. “Well, ah, enjoy your meal,” she said weakly, walking aimlessly until another patron waved at her, and she hurried her steps toward the distraction.

“That was harsh,” Gavin said, a secret happiness swelling in him that he quickly squashed.

“She's not the one I'm interested in.” Ryan offered his hand again, but Gavin kept his to himself. Ryan nodded in understanding and drew back, leaving Gavin the space he wanted. “Let's talk about something else, shall we?”

Gavin took another sip of his drink in silent agreement, Ryan's words swirling through his mind. The conversation moved to arbitrary things, like Ryan's projects outside Achievement Hunter, and Gavin's living arrangements in the Ramsey backyard as he planned to move out soon, and how the company was growing with RWBY and new, promising hires, things that hinted at fresh directions for everyone. The office wasn't the best topic for people who worked together all day, but, as Ryan so kindly pointed out, work was one of the few things they had in common in their lives. Rooster Teeth wasn't the typical boring office, either, and they didn't mind talking about it for a while. Ryan ushered the waitress over to ask for another beer, Gavin too stubborn to ask her even though his throat felt drier by the minute and he desperately wanted a second drink. She didn't leer at Ryan again, and Gavin drank the next beer with an extra ounce of pride.

Ryan ate while they spoke, letting Gavin fill the silences where he chewed and slowly worked his light beer. Gavin mentioned the next Slo Mo Guys video he'd started to work on, and Ryan smiled after he swallowed his next mouthful of food. “I admire that,” he said. “The dedication you put into your work with Dan. I've seen a bunch of the videos, that kind of passion is rare.”

Gavin stopped mid swig, pulling the bottle from his lips. “Thanks.” The compliment was one he got a lot, from people who saw Gavin bumbling during Let's Plays, only to be shocked that all of the camera work in Slo Mo Guys was his. Coming from Ryan, though, he caught the hint of tenderness along with the admiration, so he filled his voice with earnestness in return. “It's nice to hear that from someone like you.”

“Like me?” Ryan quirked a brow.

Gavin struggled to find the words he wanted. “Someone capable,” he settled on. “Someone who knows what they're doing in life. I kind of blundered to where I am now, you know?” His fingers traced the edges of his beer, swiping the condensation back and forth to collect the water until it dripped down the side of the bottle and landed on his pants leg. “You're more together.”

Ryan shook his head. “Nah. No one's really that put together, Gav. A lot of us blunder through. You happened to do it better than most, and you got some skills along the way. You should be proud of yourself.”

Gavin couldn't think of anything to say to that.

Suddenly Ryan pulled his phone out, clicking the screen on to check the time. “It's getting late. Geoff will have my head if I don't get you back for steak, right?” He pushed the food basket to the side and waved for the waitress, who gave them their check without looking at either of them. Ryan pulled out a few bills.

“Oh.” Gavin had forgotten that Ryan offered to pay. The half finished beer weighed heavier than before. “You sure you're finished?”

“Yeah.” Ryan stood, putting his hands in his pockets. “Why, did you want to finish your drink?”

Gavin looked at the bottle. He shrugged and set it on the table next to the check. “I'm good.”

Walking out into the late afternoon sun, evening quickly approaching and the streets lit with lamps that glowed over their heads on the walk back to the car, Gavin finally noticed that Ryan hadn't taken off his glasses, leaving them on rather than putting them away the minute he stopped needing them. Gavin smiled a little, and reached up to tap the corners of the frames. “Feeling like a dork tonight?”

Ryan blinked, and chuckled. “I guess I forgot about these.” He grabbed the bridge between forefinger and thumb, but Gavin stopped him, heart jumping at the feeling of their hands together again.

“No,” Gavin said, “don't take them off. I like them.”

Ryan's smile was warm and heartfelt, and he dropped his hand, letting it hang between them instead of returning it to his pocket. Gavin saw and appreciated the invitation, but his hand stayed by his side, and he settled for the shivers that skittered down his spine at the occasional brushes of their knuckles.

They said little in the car. Ryan left Gavin alone, and anything Gavin said lasted a few sentences before they fell quiet again. It gave him time to think and mull over the night, and wonder whether or not this had been a date, or if Ryan had simply wanted to put himself out there without any expected reciprocation. There was some, obviously. But the concerns about their work and friends were very real, and what Gavin wanted seemed almost irrelevant in light of that. He chewed his lip, wishing he could have found some woman to settle with instead, someone he wouldn't think twice about taking home for the night and sending off in the morning. Pushing the boundaries with another gender added a weight to the interaction that he didn't like.

Ryan stopped in front of Geoff's house, barely out of the road in their small driveway, and turned to Gavin. “Thanks for coming with me. I had fun.”

Gavin nodded, not moving to get out or even open the door. “Me too. Thanks for the bevs, always nice when I don't have to pay.”

“You're welcome. Hey, Gavin.”

It was the same tone Ryan used in the bar, when he wanted Gavin to look at him. He turned from staring at the dashboard to meet Ryan's eyes, and Ryan's lips quirked up. “No pressure,” he said again. “I'm interested, but I'll live. Think on it and let me know, all right?”

Gavin nodded stiffly. The scent of Ryan permeated the car and it filled Gavin's nostrils and he drank it in greedily, eyes drifting shut to immerse himself in it. He could get used to that, he knew, and enjoy basking in it if he let himself.

The scent grew stronger suddenly, and Gavin opened his eyes, jumping at the sight of Ryan leaning much closer than before. The kitchen flashed back to him, with their lips inches away and breath mingling as it had that day. Ryan's brow furrowed, as though he were weighing something in his mind, before they smoothed and he shrugged, closing the last inch to catch Gavin's lips in his own.

It lasted a few seconds, chaste and quick. Gavin inhaled sharply, as Ryan pulled away, stunned and staring at the smirking older man. “Don't let that sway your decision,” Ryan said, drawing back sheepishly. “But I couldn't help myself.”

Gavin shook himself from his daze, forcing a weak laugh. “Ah, right. I'll, um, I'll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.” Ryan nodded, smirk growing wider. “See you. Goodnight, Gavin.”

“Goodnight.” Gavin pushed the door open, hesitating a half second before he got out. He waved when Ryan pulled out of the driveway, and barely caught the wave back before Ryan was driving off and out of sight, leaving Gavin to think about what just happened. His fingers rose of their own accord to touch his lips, stopping just before they touched, as if they might wipe the taste away.

* * *

The kiss left Gavin reeling. Ryan almost never openly showed affection, especially to those in the office. He'd seen him hug friends on a few occasions or stand particularly close during videos, going so far as to lay his head on Jack's shoulder once. But this was vastly different, a kind of openness Ryan usually kept tucked away. Gavin stood in the driveway a few minutes, mulling over the kiss and what it meant.

It stayed on his mind the rest of the night, despite Ryan's warning not to let it sway him. Not only the kiss, but the hand holding and the reassurances that made Gavin wish they'd lingered a bit longer in the bar with each other. Geoff poked his head out of the back door when he saw Gavin make his way to the converted shed in the yard, asking with narrowed eyes how the night with Ryan went. Gavin, still dazed, waved him off and went in his loft, leaning against the door once he got inside and letting out a long breath to steady himself.

Going to work the next morning was about the same. Gavin got up a few minutes later than usual, mind drifting back to Ryan as he went inside Geoff's house for a shower and proper breakfast. Griffon had eggs on the fryer and they smelled delicious. Gavin settled eagerly at the table and almost lost himself in eating, until Geoff saw fit to speak up.

“You never told me how hanging out with Ryan went.”

Gavin stiffened, eggs halfway to his mouth. He shoved them in and took his time chewing before he answered. “It was fine. I had a couple drinks and he drove me back.”

“What'd you guys talk about?” Geoff didn't look at Gavin, pretending to catch up on Twitter.

“Mostly work,” Gavin said, focusing on his eggs. “We don't hang out much so there isn't a whole lot else for us to discuss.”

“Yeah, you guys don't really have much in common.” Geoff looked up then, eyes steady but concerned. “Look, Gavin, I don't wanna butt in--”

“I'm fine, Geoff.” Gavin put his fork down, the cling of metal again porcelain ringing through the kitchen. “I'm an adult, I can handle myself.”

They stared at each other for a few minutes, neither willing to back down.

Griffon ended that when she smacked Geoff in the back of the head. “Gavin's right,” she said, ignoring Geoff's cuss as he rubbed the spot she hit. “It sounds like they had a nice time.” She smiled at Gavin, taking her own plate of eggs and sitting with them.

Her tone left no room for argument, and Geoff dropped the topic. Gavin nodded gratefully at her, finishing his food and scraping his plate clean before he put it in the dishwasher. If he was going to think this thing through, he didn't need Geoff on aggressive father mode. And he would subside, Gavin knew. Geoff needed to get it out of his system first, that was all. A warning here and a speech there, and he would stop caring and move on with his life.

It didn't stop the ride to work from being tense. Geoff looked at Gavin whenever they stopped or he thought he could get away with not looking at the road for a second. Gavin rolled his eyes. “Nothing even happened,” he assured Geoff. “It was a friendly hang out.”

Geoff shrugged and turned back to the road. “If you say so, Gav,” he said, without sounding at all like he believed him. Gavin kept his eyes on the window and said nothing else.

Ryan wasn't in the office when Gavin and Geoff walked in, and Gavin breathed a tiny sigh of relief. He needed space and time to think, or at least a nice distraction. Work could provide both with all the editing they had to get done, but Gavin wouldn't have a chance to focus if Ryan kept staring and flashing him those endearing smiles. Gavin sat in his desk and drew up Final Cut as soon as the computer booted up, pulling his headphones from where they were tucked under the desk.

“Hey, Gavvers.” Michael waved while Gavin got himself set up, not bothering to look away from his own work. “How was your night with Ryan?”

“Fine,” Gavin said. “Nothing exciting,” he added as an afterthought, because Michael might be as bad as Geoff about the whole thing.

But it seemed the sight of Gavin acting relatively normal was enough for Michael, because he nodded absently and continued his work without further questions. Gavin thanked the world for small favors and opened up the next Let's Play to begin the long process of watching it through and cutting it together.

The one he happened to choose was an easy edit, and it afforded Gavin some time to relax while he watched to be sure the audio and video were properly synched. Work was work, but doing a task that didn't stress him out with the difficulty of it helped him settle and forget about his day to day life for a while.

The hard part came a few hours later, when Gavin finished with the short video and had it rendering. He got up to go to the kitchen for a snack, probably a useless idea seeing as lunch would be in an hour or so, but necessary because sitting at his desk for so long sucked balls. Gavin wandered in and picked up the nearest thing, a cookie from a plate of treats someone brought in, and sat down to quietly munch on it. With the freedom of not staring at a screen, it was a matter of seconds before he started to think about Ryan again.

He didn't want the kiss to sway Gavin's decision, but how could it not? Ryan felt warm and smelled good and it wasn't only the kiss, it was all of it. How they acted around each other lately, how Ryan seemed to be there to help Gavin with the most trivial things, even something as simple as a task in a recording, how physical space seemed to matter less and less. And the confidence that Ryan gained every day he spent with them, the way it radiated off him now, it stirred something in Gavin that he hadn't felt for anyone in quite a while.

And in reality, the decision was made the second Gavin started teasing Ryan about his glasses, because his voice took on a tone it didn't with other people, and the playful responses from Ryan solidified how Gavin felt. Ryan was _attractive_ , and Gavin had a penchant for exploration these last few months. The only real reason he hadn't tried already was that he was sober at work, and said work meant that if a night with him went sour, they might all suffer for it.

Gavin finished his cookie and left the kitchen, turning away from the Achievement Hunter office to head toward the annex. With Red vs Blue and RWBY finished for their respective seasons, the animators were scarce, and several people were still gone for their holiday vacations. The annex was nearly deserted, which Gavin felt grateful for the closer he got to Ryan's desk. He was there, but Lindsay wasn't, probably asking Geoff for direction on her next project or pestering Michael, and it made it easier to stop and wait for Ryan to notice him.

He had the glasses on again. Gavin swallowed and wondered whether he really did have a kink, like Michael said. But it wasn't so much that the glasses were a turn on or anything like that; Ryan really did look more mature, and after hiding the glasses for so long in his employment at Rooster Teeth, seeing him wear them more freely made his confidence all the more obvious. Learning not to care what others thought about his looks, even for something as trivial as eye wear, was something Gavin wanted to master.

Ryan peered at him from the corner of his sight, working to save or pause what he had open on his monitor. “Hi,” he said when he was free, spinning his chair to face Gavin with his fingers laced together in his lap. “You need something?”

Gavin swallowed again. He could really use a drink, alcoholic or not. Anything to give him an excuse to wait a few seconds before he spoke. But he had nothing, so he mustered his courage in clenched fists and a stiff back. “Hi,” he started, moaning internally at how shy it sounded. “Um, I wanted to talk.”

Ryan must have recognized the tone. He softened, moving his hands to his knees and leaning forward. “Do you want to sit down?”

Gavin nodded, and Ryan pulled Lindsay's chair from her desk for him. Gavin took it by the back and moved it behind him, grateful for the weight beneath his legs when he sat. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Ryan brought a hand up to fiddle with the corner of his glasses. “So?”

Gavin didn't meet his eyes, thinking heavily of the way he remembered Ryan's hand feeling when it clasped his own, and wishing for that support again. “I've been thinking about it. Between work, I mean.” Gavin tried to laugh, but it was as forced as it felt.

Ryan laughed with him anyway. “Yeah, I wouldn't want to distract you too badly.”

Oh, God, this was harder than Gavin thought. He hadn't even planned what to _say_ , he just had a feeling in his gut that he really liked Ryan and he wanted another night like last night, talking about meaningless things and touching and being real with each other. He didn't get that same sense of connection from other people. Ryan was open and stable and something Gavin never attempted because he only ever met people in bars when he was drunk off his ass and ready for the rejection, a safer option that might not wreck if it ended up being different from what he expected. And maybe, just maybe, a night with Ryan would be different from the nights at the bars.

He should have nothing to fear. Gavin knew how Ryan felt. Rejection wouldn't be coming. Still, Gavin's hands were shaking, and he worked to wring them together and stop the jitters. Ryan raised a brow. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just--” Gavin took a deep breath. “I wanted to say that, ah. I'm good. I mean.” He paused to breathe again. “Last night was great and, uh, I'd like to do it again.”

Ryan didn't answer for a long time, looking Gavin up and down with pursed lips. Before he spoke, he took his glasses off and drew his chair closer. He put a hand on his knee and squeezed it gently. Just that feeling alone sent a rush of relief through Gavin, and suddenly he wanted more of Ryan, of his strong hands that could carry him anywhere if he asked.

“Did you really think this through?”

Gavin's eyes went a little wide, and he stared at Ryan. “Huh?”

“Well, it's been a _day_.” Ryan rubbed the hand on Gavin, for assurance or as an apology, Gavin couldn't be sure, but he hoped it was the former. “Is that enough time to think?”

“It's not just last night,” Gavin said before Ryan could finish speaking. “You're not-- not the only one, you know? I've been thinking about this, I'm just too chicken shit to do anything!” Admitting it made him blush, and he backed up his chair a few inches. Ryan moved forward, keeping his hand on Gavin and looking at him even though Gavin wouldn't meet his eyes.

“And you're sure?”

“Yeah, of course.” Gavin made himself look at him again, struck by the sincerity on Ryan's face. “Not like, dying declaration of love or anything, but yeah, I'm in. I wanna give it a shot.” The blushing got worse, and Gavin did his best to look confident despite the stain of red on his cheeks.

Ryan waited a second, searching Gavin for fear or worry or the million things Gavin felt whenever he asked someone out, regardless of his level of sobriety. But Ryan found none of it, because Gavin wasn't going to let himself run away from this, no matter how much the thought of jumping into something new made him quiver. They both wanted it and it would be harmless fun, he assured himself.

“All right.” Ryan leaned back, smiling easily. “If that's the case, I'm really happy, Gav.”

Gavin let out the breath he'd been holding unconsciously. “Great.”

“But, just so you know, we don't have to rush this.” Ryan gave him a knowing look. “You can have more than a day to think about stuff.”

He might come across as annoyed or angry at Gavin, if it weren't for that cheeky grin, and Gavin could only think that, yeah, he'd had plenty of time and he definitely wanted this. “So do you wanna go out tonight?” he asked, better now that he knew Ryan wouldn't shove him away. At least not immediately.

“Nah.” Ryan spun his chair back to his desk, picking up his glasses. “Let's give it, I don't know, a week? I'm not a huge fan of going out for food every night.”

That had Gavin frowning. A whole week just to try and spend a night together?

Ryan caught the look, laughing lightly. “Unless you want me to cook for you?” he asked, his expression more hopeful than Gavin would have thought.

Years of Geoff cooking for him had spoiled Gavin to the idea of someone making a meal to please his tastes, and he wanted to say yes. But Ryan cooking dinner for them would mean going to his house. Alone, with the kind of intimacy public spaces couldn't create.

Gavin shook his head. “No, let's go to a restaurant.”

Ryan nodded and reached out. Gavin thought he might pat his knee again, but Ryan took his hand instead, twisting in his chair to get a better angle as he leaned down and pecked a small kiss to the back of his palm. “Sounds great. How about next Thursday?”

Gavin held back the sputter that threatened to spill from his mouth. “P-Perfect. I'll let you get back to work, then.”

He stood quickly and left Ryan at his desk to finish what he'd been doing before he interrupted, walking back to the Achievement Hunter office. The spot on his hand burned. Like the kiss last night, Gavin was careful not to let anything touch the spot as he opened the door and maneuvered his way through the crowded room to his chair. Geoff noticed him, peering over his shoulder as Gavin sat down at his desk. “Hey, buddy. You were gone a while. Did last night's beers come up bad or something?”

Gavin wasn't that much of a lightweight, but he didn't have the energy or need to glare at Geoff for the teasing. He shrugged and said, “Stopped to talk to Ryan for a bit.” He put his headphones on to avoid hearing whatever Geoff might say to that, opening the next video that needed work.

* * *

It felt silly to wait to get picked up, dressed in a t shirt and a pair of his nicer slacks. Gavin leaned on the wall by the front door, checking his phone every couple minutes for the time. Geoff and Griffon had nothing but quips about Gavin getting picked up for his date, and it took two minutes of their cajoling for Gavin to shove them in the living room with words about calling them if anything went wrong. Geoff had stopped Gavin in the midst of pushing them out of the hall, looking at him carefully. “You really like Ryan, huh?”

“Yes,” Gavin said, more concerned with Griffon pulling her phone from her pocket to take a picture of the decidedly _not_ momentous occasion.

Geoff paused a second, and sighed. “All right. Do whatever you want. Keep it out of the office for me, though, would ya?”

“All right, all right, now get out and don't say anything when he gets here, okay?” Gavin finished pushing Geoff past the threshold of the living room doorway, Griffon following because she could tell when Gavin was joking and when he was genuinely upset with them. “Come on, hubby, let's watch a movie,” she had said, dragging Geoff to the couch. Gavin breathed in relief and went back to the door to stare at his phone and wonder if Ryan got caught in traffic.

Dates didn't bother Gavin. He'd had plenty before. Just never with a man, and especially not with a coworker. All his previous experience chalked up to Griffon dragging him out and pointing out the guys she thought were cute, and Gavin almost always making an excuse not to go for it. He tried to tell himself that this wouldn't be any different, except that it kind of was. Gavin shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to resist checking his phone for the second time in less than thirty seconds.

The doorbell rang. Gavin jumped and whipped his head around to look at the door. The peephole told him nothing except that Ryan was wearing a button down, his chest the only thing visible because the damn man was taller than the peephole. Gavin opened the door and was met with the expected sight of Ryan, but dressed much nicer than Gavin had ever seen him, his shirt tucked in his pants and hair brushed back in some semblance of a 'do. Ryan smiled at him, head tilted just to the side. “Hi, Gavin.”

“Hi,” Gavin breathed, heart pounding fast already. God damn it, he wasn't going to get through tonight alive. “You didn't tell me we were dressing fancy.”

Ryan shrugged. “Not really fancy,” he said, glancing at his pants. “I just grabbed something. But don't worry.” He flashed a smile. “You look great, too.”

“Right.” Gavin peeked over his shoulder to the living room door. He could see no heads poking around the edge to watch him, but he knew they'd be listening. “Let's go.” Gavin patted his pockets down for his phone and wallet, shutting the door behind him to hurry to Ryan's car.

“In a rush?” Ryan asked, getting in the driver's seat as Gavin buckled himself in.

“Griffon and her camera,” Gavin said, looking across to the driver's side window at the house. He swore he saw blonde hair in the front window, but Ryan reached for the wheel and turned the key in the ignition, blocking his view. Gavin leaned back and took a deep breath.

“You okay?” Ryan's hand moved as if to pat Gavin's, drawing away at the last second to hold the wheel as they got on the road.

Gavin nodded, watching them pull out and away from the house. “So, where . . .?” He wasn't sure quite how to phrase it, the words escaping him as he spoke. Looking at Ryan in his nice shirt and combed hair did unexpected things to him. Gavin settled for staring and hoping Ryan knew what he meant.

“Ruby Tuesday's,” Ryan said. “Nice, but not uptight.”

“Yeah, I don't think I could handle a fancy dinner right now.”

“Well, it's a good thing I'm not cooking for you, then.” Ryan smiled briefly and returned his gaze to the road. Gavin sucked in a gasp, blushing. He wasn't usually one for cheesy lines like that, but Ryan sounded so sincere that Gavin didn't want to berate him for being ridiculously romantic.

The restaurant was moderately full, but not crowded or noisy. A few children with their families making noise drew a side eye from Gavin, expecting a night of raised voices just to be heard over the din. Thankfully the waiter sat them at a table further from the family section, and the television playing basketball over the table next to theirs was louder than the people. Gavin looked at it a couple times out of habit, distracting himself with the lights and sounds.

After the waiter got their drinks, two Cokes because Ryan didn't feel like drinking and Gavin, for once, thought it would be a better idea to be sober, Ryan pulled his glasses from his pocket and donned them in order to read the menu. Gavin picked up the one across from him.

“Whatcha feeling like tonight?”

“Ah, I don't know.” Gavin looked the menu over, trying his best to actually read the options, but ultimately picking the default hamburger and putting the menu to the side.

Ryan must have done the same, setting the menu down and leaning closer to Gavin with both hands on the table. He took his glasses off and ran a hand quickly through his hair. “Any pressing topics?” he asked, laughing quietly.

Gavin did his best to laugh with him. “Well, actually, I was thinking about the next arcade game coming out in a couple weeks.”

And like that, they fell into easy conversation. Video games were as familiar as anything, and they shared their hopes for the coming year of gaming. Several times, Gavin said something he'd told the gang at the office already, and Ryan quietly reminded him of it with the teasing grin. Gavin tried to refrain from chastising himself too much, and the way Ryan laughed _with_ him rather than at him made it easier. He had always tried to have Gavin's back in discussions, even when it was clear Gavin was on the losing side. He appreciated an attempt at understanding, even if he got proven wrong later.

The waiter gave them their drinks, and that helped. Anytime a silence happened, Gavin dove to his soda, and Ryan would sip his, filling the awkwardness until one of them could think of something else to say. Video games moved to work, naturally, and then branched to travel schedules. Gavin didn't plan on leaving for England until Dan's next leave so they could film. “You already know what I do when I'm not at work,” Gavin said, glancing hopefully in the direction of the kitchen. His stomach was starting to grumble. “What does an old man like you do for fun, Rye?”

Ryan smiled wide, and it sent flutters to Gavin's stomach, distracting him from his hunger. “I'm not _that_ much older than you,” he said, with a teasing lilt, but let his grin fade as he considered the question. “Programming,” he said, after thinking a moment. “I still do some technical stuff at the office, so I like to keep in practice. I read, too, and I like movies. Gaming, too, of course.”

“Nothing too definitive?”

“Nah,” Ryan said, shrugging. “Mostly I like to relax. I already have about the best job in the world. There isn't much to work toward except for keeping my skills up.”

“Heh. Yeah.” Gavin looked down to the table. “If you wanted to go out more, it wouldn't be hard. The guys go out for drinks and it's always pretty fun. And there's Geoff's parties, too, I don't see you at those much.” He looked up to meet Ryan's slightly bewildered expression, and backtracked quickly. “Not unless you want to, I mean, going out isn't for everybody--”

“Gavin.” Ryan put his hand forward and pat his arm. It was stiff, and clearly not the action Ryan wanted to do, but Gavin recognized the comfort in it and relaxed slightly. “You're working yourself up. Calm down.”

“Mm.” Gavin nodded, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment before letting it go, redder than before.

Their meals came, a burger for Gavin and a plate of pasta for Ryan. They took the time to eat a few bites and praise the food. It wasn't the best in the world, but certainly restaurant quality, and good enough to keep them from talking for a little while. Gavin stared contemplatively at his fries while he worked through the burger, unsure if he'd have the room for them.

As if reading his mind, Ryan leaned forward to steal a few. “Hey!” Gavin protested with a full mouth, ability to actually eat the fries notwithstanding. “Don't take my food!”

“You're not gonna eat them all,” Ryan said, swiping the stolen fries in the blob of ketchup Gavin put on the side of his plate. Gavin put the burger down to grab at him, but Ryan evaded him easily and leaned back, grinning as he slipped the fries in his mouth. “I'm paying for this,” he said. “I might as well get to eat some of your food.”

Gavin stopped, eyebrow raised. “Who says you're paying for my meal?”

“I do.” Ryan didn't flinch at Gavin's narrowed eyes.

When the check came, Ryan snatched it from the middle of the table before Gavin had the chance, donning his glasses to read the fine print on the receipt. The sight of them made Gavin stop to take in Ryan's appearance again, and he stumbled to grab money from his wallet. “Hey,” he said, while Ryan pulled some cash out, “I'm paying for my damn meal.”

“Oh?” Ryan had already slipped a few bills inside and snapped the black case shut, holding it above and behind him, out of Gavin's reach. “I think I just paid for it, Gav.”

“Ryan!” Gavin moved across the table, but Ryan's reach was longer, and he held the check mere inches from Gavin's fingers.

Their waiter must have seen the commotion. A second later, he'd snatched the check from Ryan. “I'll be right back,” he said, hurrying away from the table with a second glance at the man struggling over the table's top. Gavin huffed his annoyance, one hand still clenching the bills he'd intended to use.

“Fine, then.” Gavin got up, shoving the money at Ryan. “Whether I pay you or the restaurant, this money is staying in your wallet. I already took free drinks from you.”

Ryan looked from the money to Gavin, who had sat back down in his chair. The slightly squinted eyes and beginnings of a bemused smile almost broke Gavin's resolve and had him taking the money back out of sheer guilt, but then Ryan shrugged and took his wallet back out, tucking the money in, Gavin noticed, a separate section from the rest of his cash.

Ryan stood suddenly, walking past Gavin, and pausing, glasses still on and sliding a half inch as he looked down. “I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be back.” And on resuming his walk, Ryan's hand brushed against Gavin's shoulder, fingers squeezing the faintest bit. Gavin stiffened, and he turned to watch Ryan walk away once he composed himself. Ryan hadn't so much as glanced back, vanishing down the hallway to the restrooms.

He did that on purpose. Gavin put a hand to the spot, feeling the latent heat. The scariest part of being here tonight was that Gavin had no idea what Ryan's agenda was. He gave him some idea the night at the bar, and his attraction to Gavin, at least in hindsight, was obvious. But how far did he intend to go? Shagging was obviously the goal, and Gavin wouldn't be averse to that. He remembered the kiss, soft and earnest. But the morning after . . .

Gavin didn't particularly like mornings after.

Ryan came back soon enough, still wearing his glasses. “You all right? You look kinda pale.”

“Hm?” Gavin hadn't realized he was still touching the shoulder Ryan brushed, and dropped his hand. “Yeah, I'm all right.”

Ryan watched him curiously, only taking his eyes off him when the waiter returned with a copy of their receipt, tucking it in his pocket. “Let's go, then.” Ryan stood and waited patiently for Gavin, who suddenly felt like he had lead stuck in his throat. It was nearly over, their date, and they hadn't done anything remotely romantic. Ryan might want to take it slow, like he told Gavin when he agreed to the date, but slow made Gavin impatient and antsy. He wanted to kiss Ryan now, or at least know if the awkward pauses and curious looks had made Ryan lose interest.

That proved completely and utterly wrong when they got back to the car.

Rather than start the car and drive him home, Ryan surprised Gavin by turning to him and leaning in the way he had the first night, one hand cupping his face as Ryan tilted his own and pressed his lips to Gavin's. It started out sweet, and he sunk into the feeling easily, the weight of his head in Ryan's hand. A further press from Ryan and another shift, so Ryan had a hand bracing himself on the passenger seat, gave him the leverage to pull Gavin in harsher. His lips parted and his tongue darted out to trace Gavin's lips, and it was about there Gavin lost sense of where he was.

Ryan had a strong presence, taller and with a wider chest, and his body against Gavin's, even with the gap between the seats, had Gavin gasping while Ryan pressed his tongue in and swiped through Gavin's mouth. His lips never seemed to stop moving, either, pushing continuously while his tongue worked, kissing him roughly when Ryan drew his tongue back. Teeth came out and nipped him ever so slightly, the sting a contrast to the heavy sweetness. Gavin flailed his hands, looking for something to grasp, and settled on Ryan's strong shoulders. It gave him the advantage he needed to draw himself closer, his nose against Ryan's cheek as he opened his mouth again and muttered near silent pleas for Ryan to keep kissing him, to do it harder. He wasn't one for begging in bed and this surprised him, but Ryan dominated him in this moment and Gavin was reeling from it.

The only distraction Gavin noticed was the glasses. Ryan had kept them on and the metal frames hit his cheek or his nose occasionally. Ryan started sucking on his lip just then, and it was lost in the cacophony of Ryan and his touch. His hands had moved, the one on his face going to Gavin's hair, threading there and holding the hair to keep him still, without pulling enough to hurt. The tension made Gavin groan, and he barely registered Ryan's other hand at his side, gripping there and holding Gavin still while Ryan moved to nose at his neck. The glasses hit his jaw, and Gavin wanted to ask Ryan to take them off, but he broke away again, and the sight of the desire in his eyes flashing behind the glass, where Gavin could make out the reflection of the streets lights, was enough to make his breath hitch. He swallowed loudly. Nevermind.

“Okay?” Ryan asked, voice heavy with arousal.

In lieu of speaking, Gavin nodded, trying to move back to Ryan. But the holds on his hair and hip were firm, and he whined. Ryan smiled a little, but listened to Gavin's wishes and kissed him again. The wetness and heat got Gavin to shut up, though he tried a few times to shake Ryan's grip on him. He wanted to move, damn it, and Ryan seemed hell bent on stopping that. Ryan had no control of his hands, though, and Gavin settled for running them over Ryan's chest and feeling the muscle there while Ryan went back to his neck and started sucking a mark in the thin skin. Gavin wondered idly about work the next day, but a moment later Ryan bit him gently and he knew he didn't give a flying fuck.

The muscles under Ryan's shirt were tense and strong. Gavin could feel the power in them, that if Ryan wanted to, he would flip Gavin over without a second thought. For a man who worked on computers all day, the strength wasn't something Gavin pictured often, but Ryan did mention the gym as part of his weekend routines. In any case, it didn't take much for other people to be stronger than Gavin. He breathed out a light moan, thoughts scattering. Ryan had pulled down his t shirt enough to mouth at the bit of chest there, lips catching on his absurd amount of chest hair, but not enough that Ryan's movements were anything but perfectly smooth as he glided back and forth, working the skin with his lips and teeth.

“Fuck,” Gavin gasped, hands going to the back of Ryan's head. “Are we-- are we gonna have sex in your car?”

That made Ryan pause, and he sat up again to look at Gavin, glasses askew. “Good point. My place or yours?” His grin told Gavin that he knew what the answer would be.

He answered anyway. “Geoff would about tear your head off for shagging me anywhere near his bedroom.”

“Naturally.” Ryan kissed Gavin again, and left a peck on his cheek, before sitting up fully and grabbing the wheel. Gavin puffed out little breaths to calm himself. He leaned back in the seat, watching Ryan start the car, eyes on the hands that had a minute ago been pushing him down in the seat to keep him in place. Gavin shut his eyes. They couldn't get to Ryan's house fast enough.

During the drive, Gavin tried to discreetly adjust himself in his jeans. The little make out session wasn't enough for a raging boner, but he was half hard and it made it difficult to sit. He waited until he thought Ryan's attention was solely focused on the road, his right hand coming down to push his jeans away from his cock for some extra room.

But Ryan must have had the eyes of a hawk, because he noticed without even turning to look. His right hand came off the wheel to rest on Gavin's thigh, rubbing hard enough to knead the muscles and have Gavin's head against the headrest. He wanted to be thankful Ryan hadn't blatantly groped his dick, but he'd been expecting it, and the disappointment dredged up a quiet groan.

Ryan spared him a glance. “Soon,” he promised.

“Not sodding soon enough,” Gavin said, taking in a deep breath.

Most of the Rooster Teeth employees lived within bearable commute distance from the office, and Ryan wasn't much different. They did some driving to get to the restaurant, and there was a slight back track in the office's direction to get to the neighborhood Ryan lived in. It wasn't too long before he pulled in a driveway and put the car in park, smiling at Gavin, whose head hadn't left the seat as his mind pulled up the million things that could happen when they stepped through Ryan's door.

“Gavin?”

He looked up finally to meet Ryan's gaze, Ryan smiling and reaching out to take Gavin's hand. “Ready?” He searched Gavin's face, and Gavin had to grin at the obvious concern.

“More 'n ready, Rye.” Gavin tugged his hand back to open the door and get out. Ryan hurried behind him, drawing the house keys from his pocket. Gavin waited, bouncing on his toes, while Ryan opened the door and flicked on the first light, illuminating his tiny foyer. Gavin slipped his jacket off and hung it on the hook, preparing to take his shoes off but not quite getting that far. A pair of hands slipped around his waist, and Ryan was there again, kissing the back of Gavin's neck. Gavin sighed and practically melted into him. “Ryan,” he said quietly.

Ryan gave him a few more kisses, but the position wasn't ideal, and he turned Gavin to face him, pressing his back against the door. Once more his lips worshiped his neck, sucking and biting and generally driving Gavin insane, both hands on his hips and holding him firm. Gavin gasped, jerking his pelvis. His faded erection had come back painfully fast and he needed contact like he needed air, gulping helplessly and trying to urge Ryan to do something other than kiss and bite at him. Neck kissing was very nice, and Gavin loved it as much as anything else, but without the promise of frotting it only made the condition in his pants worse without doing anything to alleviate it.

“Hang on.” Ryan stopped his ministrations, his face inches from Gavin, and slipped the glasses off his face.

Gavin should have been relieved at the break, at the idea that Ryan might finally fucking touch him, and barely caught it when Ryan took the glasses off. Without thinking, he reached for them, long fingers colliding with Ryan's and knocking the glasses to the floor. Gavin went stiff, hand frozen in the air. Ryan blinked, looked at Gavin, and glanced at the floor. The glasses had landed flat, the lenses undamaged, and Ryan bent down to pick them up. “Uh, what . . .?”

Swallowing his guilt, Gavin said, “Sorry, I, um.” Ryan had stood and was giving him that trademark eyebrow quirk that he was excellent at. Fire lit up in Gavin's belly. “I wanted you to keep them on?” he said, tacking an unsure question mark to the end of the statement. He wasn't really sure what prompted him to grab for the glasses, but that at least made some sense. “You look really good in them,” he added, because Ryan's skeptical look hadn't left.

Ryan snickered, tucking the glasses back in their case and putting the case in the pocket of one of the coats on the rack. “Let's focus on _us_ right now,” he said, moving close and pushing Gavin back against the door. The weight of his body made Gavin sigh and lean back instinctively, prepared for more of the attentions Ryan seemed to love giving. Ryan took the invitation, hands going back to Gavin's hips, his mouth near his neck. “We can talk about bedroom attire next time,” he offered, kissing Gavin's neck once before moving lower to nose at his collarbone.

Next time. Gavin was having a hard time thinking more than a minute into the future, and Ryan was already mentioning a next time. Gavin might have panicked at the idea of making this more than a one time thing, seeing each other regularly and risking the entire office _knowing_ ,but Ryan's hand were on his side and pawing at his chest now, shoving the shirt up to get to his skin, and he couldn't do much more than marvel at the way Ryan felt against him. His hands flew to Ryan's back and traced up and down as he worked, tangling in his shirt and kneading the muscle there, wondering what that muscle could do for him in a better position than keening on Ryan's front door.

When Ryan wasn't feeling Gavin's chest and pressing kisses and licks to the skin despite all the hair there, he paid attention to Gavin's stomach and thighs. He rubbed and touched and pressed, but none of it went directly to his cock. After a few minutes, Gavin started thrusting his hips out, rolling them into Ryan's touches, and Ryan decided it would be a good idea to stand again and give his mouth some attention. They kissed and breathed into each other, Ryan working a leg between Gavin's to rub against his crotch, but it wasn't hard enough and it didn't help him get off. Gavin whined into Ryan's mouth and practically shoved his erection at him. Ryan chuckled and pulled away to look Gavin in the eye. “What's the matter?”

Gavin thumped one of his hands on Ryan's back in a pathetic mock of a punch. “You're being unfair.”

Ryan ignored him, kissing Gavin again and sweeping his tongue in his mouth. Gavin tugged at his shirt, but Ryan only leaned back down to suck his neck some more. He must be covered in bruises at this point. Gavin slammed his fist on Ryan's back again, even as he gasped at Ryan biting hard enough to hurt. “Ryan! We won't get past your bloody _door_ at this rate, come _on_!”

The chuckle Ryan let out forced his breath on Gavin's wet neck, and he shivered. “That's what I was waiting to hear,” he cooed, detaching himself and giving Gavin one last soft peck and stepping away. Gavin made to move off the door, but Ryan held him still with a couple fingers on his chest. Gavin stayed, panting. Ryan looked him up and down, one eyebrow cocked, considering. “Let me try something,” he said, stepping in Gavin's space. He kissed him again and put both hands on the backs of Gavin's legs, quickly bending down to get a good grip and hoisting Gavin up.

Gavin hesitated when Ryan kissed him again, thoroughly done with the foreplay and ready to get to the real action. When Ryan broke the kiss to move down, he let out a little gasp, expecting something quite different than being yanked off the ground. Gavin squawked, legs flailing until they had a decent grip around Ryan's waist. Ryan laughed and said, “Sorry, I've always wanted to do that.”

“Give me some goddamn warning,” Gavin groused, hands going to Ryan's shoulder to stabilize himself. Ryan gripped his upper thighs hard through his pants, more than was necessary to keep Gavin up now that he had a hold on Ryan, and Gavin could guess there was more than one reason to literally sweep him off his feet.

Ryan turned them around and walked them down the hall, face against Gavin's neck to bury in his collar, licking and sucking. Gavin breathed hard, one hand at the back of Ryan's head so he could shove his face into his hair, taking in the scent as his hips thrust under Ryan's groping. Between the frotting and Gavin's weight, the walk to the bedroom took longer than it should have. Gavin stopped trying to pay attention to where they were going in a matter of seconds, and barely noticed Ryan letting go before he was dumped gently on a bed, sheets poofing and mattress bouncing. Ryan stood over him, eyes half lidded, licking his lips. Gavin blushed and shuffled up to the headboard.

“You look really good,” Ryan panted, kneeling to crawl on the bed with Gavin. He shucked his shoes and socks in the process, and Gavin was quick to take his off, lest they be unevenly clothed. His hands went to his shirt, about to yank it off and away and maybe return all the attention Ryan had given him, but Ryan's hands stopped him before Gavin could so much as pull the hem up. “Gavin,” he said slowly. “Have you, ah, done this before?”

Gavin blinked at him. “What, sex?”

Ryan blew out a short breath. “Yeah, I think you're a virgin,” he said sarcastically. He sat properly on the bed, giving Gavin a serious look. “I mean, have you ever done this with a guy? You said you tried to keep your feelings for men under wraps.”

Oh, that. Gavin turned away to stare at his bare feet. If only the rest of him were bare and Ryan wasn't asking bothersome questions. “Let's just get on with it,” he muttered, facing Ryan again and trying to get close.

Ryan grunted at him, a finger on his puckered lips to stop any kisses Gavin wanted to plant. “Gavin, I mean it. I have to know a little about your history if we're gonna do this.”

Gavin groaned and leaned back, one hand coming up to cover his eyes. “Ryan.”

“Gavin.”

Ryan was staring at him, unrelenting. Gavin sighed. Just his luck to fall for the responsible one. He shifted down the bed and let his elbows keep his weight up, one leg bent and rubbing his foot against his other pant leg. Ryan shifted with him to keep their faces level, on his side and watching Gavin, expectant.

“A couple times,” Gavin said. “When I was first dealing with it, I went to bars and stuff. I was curious. Met a couple guys who were pretty nice, went with them on separate occasions.”

“Okay,” Ryan said, nodding with understanding. The serious discussion was killing Gavin's boner again, and he pursed his lips when Ryan kept asking. “What did you do with them?”

“Ah, come on,” Gavin whined, turning on his side and pressing close to Ryan. “I'm not gonna have the energy for it at this point.” He put a hand on Ryan's side and tried to tug his shirt away, but Ryan held him back and pushed Gavin enough to look him in the eyes. “Ryan,” Gavin begged.

“I have to know what you're comfortable with,” Ryan said, kissing Gavin again. Gavin gave in because at least it was something, letting Ryan taste his mouth again. The kiss was all too brief, and Ryan laid them both down with an arm around Gavin's waist. “You can leave out details, I'm just trying to make this good for you.”

“Was good for me when we were macking,” Gavin muttered. Ryan's eyes were wide and sincere, though, and Gavin was sure he knew more than him in regards to sex with men. If he were better than his last escapades by any degree, Gavin would be enjoying himself. And really, could he blame Ryan for wanting to make this as fun as he could? “All right, all right,” he said, sighing and leaning closer to tuck himself into Ryan's space. Ryan curled one leg around Gavin and rubbed his hand down his back, soothing.

“You've mentioned not wanting penetration, from the podcast, right? Something about doing _almost_ anything for the camera,” Ryan said in a playful tone, bending his head to kiss at the side of Gavin's face. The contact placated Gavin, and he stretched his head to offer up his jaw and neck. Ryan took it, muttering, “So?”

“I was skeptical,” Gavin admitted. “Not really keen on the idea of getting buggered. First guy I went with got all funny about it.” Gavin gasped when Ryan bit his earlobe, rolling the piece of skin under his tongue. “Told me,” Gavin gasped, “he'd go slow. He fingered me some, it wasn't so bad.”

“Oh?” Ryan pushed himself lower, rolling Gavin's shirt up and tracing the dips and curves of the skin. He kept his mouth away for the moment, looking back up at Gavin when he didn't keep talking.

“Uh.” Gavin worked to make his brain focus. “No actual fucking that time. Did it the second time, though, with this other bloke. It didn't feel that great, to be honest.” Ryan pulled harder on his shirt, and Gavin leaned up to let Ryan take it off. Ryan pulled his off as well, and Gavin had to stop to take him in. He wasn't as hairy, but his thick build practically screamed 'manly.' Gavin kissed him there before Ryan could stop him again, mouthing on the skin. It tasted vaguely of sweat and the bitter flavor of cologne. Gavin sputtered some at that and drew back to cough. Ryan made an apologetic noise, moving away. Gavin spit out the last of his coughs and fumbled to touch Ryan again, to bring him back close. “There you have it,” he said, touching Ryan's chest appreciatively.

Ryan put a finger under Gavin's chin and met his eyes, giving him a soft smile. He bent down to kiss each of Gavin's eyelids and his forehead, murmuring, “Thank you for being honest, Gavin.”

Gavin closed his eyes when Ryan kissed him there, something stirring his chest when his lips brushed over his face. He couldn't remember the last time he was kissed with such tenderness. Figuring it was only fair, he asked, “W-what have you done?”

Ryan ran a hand through Gavin's hair, fingers tangling lightly in it. He tugged them out gently and traced down Gavin's neck. “I've slept with a few guys, explored some . . . interesting stuff.” He seemed to choose his words carefully, licking his lips. “I've got this kind of routine every few months, kind of a bad habit. I'm safe, though, and I get tested. No need to worry.”

“I wasn't really worried.” Gavin swallowed when Ryan's hand continued in its trailing, stopping at his hip and fiddling with the waistband. “Just, ah, curious.” He put his hand over Ryan's, urging him to tug it down, and looked him in the eyes. “Can we get on with this?”

“Yeah.” Ryan laughed and kissed Gavin again, slowly and with fervor, until Gavin relented and opened his mouth. Ryan pressed close, chest to chest, and drew Gavin's pants down, leaving him his boxers for the sake of comfort. Gavin writhed, one leg around Ryan's and pulling him closer. Ryan turned them, Gavin on his back and Ryan above him, and waited for him to kick his pants off his ankles before moving down, finally giving Gavin the attention he wanted.

Gavin moaned in pleasure and frustration. Ryan kissed below his belly button, hands back on his hips and thumbs tracing the dip of his hipbone. His erection was coming back and Ryan's mouth on him did more than it should, given that he still hadn't really touched Gavin, but it was a slow torture, and Gavin _still_ wanted to touch him. Ryab insisted on peppering Gavin's body with his mouth and he hadn't gotten in so much as a proper grope.

“Hang on.” Ryan stopped his ministrations to get rid of his own clothes, not the least bit shy about taking his underwear off and letting his cock out, indulging himself in a few strokes while he looked down at the sight of Gavin falling apart on his bed. Gavin stared at his cock, unconsciously licking his lips. He didn't have much in his memories to compare it to, but he liked the way it looked and his thoughts immediately went to what Ryan would sound like if Gavin got his mouth on it, gag reflex be damned.

“Okay.” Ryan came down again and kissed Gavin, pushing his hands under his boxers to grab Gavin's cock. Gavin squeaked into his mouth, and sighed when Ryan squeezed and stroked him. Ryan set a few more kisses to Gavin's face and neck, and then he was between his legs again, taking the last piece of clothing off before touching him, his free hand on Gavin's thigh. He used the leverage to help keep Gavin from twitching while he touched him, eyes flicking up to meet Gavin's a couple times while he worked. Gavin let his head fall back at first, ready to lose himself, but looked down once out of curiosity. The image of Ryan hovering above his dick and looking at him sent a bolt of lighting up his spine, and Gavin's need to fall back and writhe wasn't nearly as strong as his desire to watch what Ryan did, so he sat up on his elbows and settled in for the show.

The small lick Ryan gave his cock head had Gavin moaning again, and his resolve to watch Ryan wavered with the shivers it sent through him. He panted heavily and rolled his hips once, encouraging. Ryan smiled and stuck his tongue out, feeling the head with his tongue before bringing his mouth down, squeezing the shaft again. Gavin's breath quickened, chest rising and falling rapidly. He dug his feet into the bed and thrust, eyes falling shut. He had to concentrate in order to open them again and keep his eyes on Ryan, who took himself off his cock to raise an eyebrow. “How long has it been, Gavin?”

Gavin would have blushed if all his blood weren't in his cock. “S-Shut up.”

Ryan shrugged and got back to work, though he kept a hand on Gavin's stomach and pressed down when Gavin tried to thrust again, warning him. Gavin did his best to listen to the body language and avoid choking Ryan while he went down on him, tongue swirling around and dragging on his skin each time Ryan came up for air.

After the persistent questioning about his sex life, Gavin expected Ryan to stop and bust out the lube and condoms at some point. He could take a bit of shagging if it was what Ryan wanted, especially after he spent so long ravishing his body. But Ryan didn't make like he was going to fuck Gavin, not even touching his own cock while he worked Gavin over. Gavin kept fighting to stay sitting up, to watch Ryan work magic with his mouth, but the inability to thrust made tension coil in his gut and Gavin needed to expend it somehow. He gave up to lie on his back and pound his hands against the bed, the tight heat of Ryan's lips and tongue sending him close to the edge sooner than he wanted.

It couldn't have been a respectable amount of time, because as much as he hated the joke, it really had been a while for Gavin. He tossed his head back into the pillows and he let out a guttural sound, feeling himself shoot straight in Ryan's mouth. Ryan took it well, pulling off partway through and letting the come hit his cheeks. He wiped at it with his hand and sat up to reach for the tissue box by his bed. Gavin panted through the high, hips twitching for a few seconds. He looked at Ryan when he'd collected himself, tempted to wipe the smirk off his face with a brutal kiss but too tired to move. His eyes trailed down to the hard on Ryan still sported, a bit of guilt striking him.

Time for some reciprocation.

Gavin sat up and gestured for Ryan to come closer, and he did.

“Come here,” Gavin said, dragging Ryan in for a kiss. The taste of come was bitter and almost made him gag, but Gavin suppressed it long enough to lick his way into Ryan's mouth and wipe the taste away, until only Ryan was left. He drew Ryan down with him, settling into the bed and bringing a hand to Ryan's hair. It was silky in his hands, and Gavin eagerly tangled his fingers in it, while his other hand sought out Ryan's cock and held tight. Ryan gasped and let out the first honest-to-God groan Gavin had heard from his all night, thrusting shallowly against him. “Better?” Gavin said, laughing.

“Better,” Ryan said, tucking his face against Gavin's cheek, pecking there lightly a couple times. Gavin squeezed harder and dragged his hand up the shaft, smiling when Ryan abandoned the light kisses to moan again. He worked him slow, taking as much as he could from his past sessions with drunken bar patrons without losing his focus on Ryan, there in the moment. He twisted his hand and thumbed the head, rubbing the precome across the top. Ryan bucked, hands fisting in the sheets. Gavin reached up to suck on his neck, glad to give Ryan some hickies to match his own, pulling the skin gently with his teeth. Ryan's breathing sped and he lowered his hips to properly grind against Gavin, pushing his hand against his own stomach as Ryan sought friction.

The come landed on both their stomachs, the last few spurts dripping on Gavin's hand. He watched Ryan get control of his breathing, sucking desperate gulps of air as he came back to Earth, and tugged his hand back with a final squeeze to Ryan's softening cock. Ryan collapsed in the mattress, hair sticky with sweat. He wiped his bangs from his forehead and cracked an eye open to watch Gavin take some tissues and clean them both before settling on the bed beside him. Gavin had put at least a foot and a half of space between their bodies, and Ryan wouldn't have it, reaching an arm around Gavin's waist to yank him close. Gavin squeaked and tried to struggle away, but Ryan grunted, and he couldn't argue with the stern, albeit sleepy, look in his eyes. Gavin stilled himself, and Ryan smiled as he curled his arm up to cradle around Gavin's shoulders, tracing circles on his back.

They lay for a while like that, minutes ticking by while Gavin fiddled with the sheets and refused to look Ryan in the eyes, and Ryan settled for puffing breaths in Gavin's hair and watching the strands fly back and forth. Gavin shuddered every couple breaths and brought a hand up to flatten his locks, only for Ryan to muss it again.

“Did I rock your world so hard you don't feel worthy of looking at me?” Ryan asked, breaking the silence. He smirked when Gavin looked up.

Gavin blushed at the comment as he met Ryan's gaze. “No, I just--” He stopped, unsure of exactly what he wanted to say. There were probably a million rebuttals, but they escaped him when Ryan gave him that cheeky smile, and Gavin huffed out a little breath. “Thanks.”

That had Ryan doing the eyebrow quirk he loved so much. “For what?”

Gavin shrugged, snuggling closer. Ryan's grip on him tightened automatically, and even in the middle of Texas, the heat from his body couldn't have been more welcome. “Ah, letting me stay the night?” he tried.

Ryan chuckled, nose in Gavin's hair again and breathing harder. The sensation tickled, and it wasn't what Gavin wanted so he tucked himself closer to avoid it. “Maybe I'm about to kick you out.”

“Nah.” Gavin pressed a couple quick kisses to Ryan's chest. “It's nice, though. I never stayed the night with a guy before.”

Ryan stopped, moving his head to look at Gavin again. “I would hope you weren't actually _expecting_ me to kick you out. It would set a rather harsh precedent for the next date.”

There he went again, mentioning a future. Gavin went stiff, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Next date?” he asked tentatively. “What do you mean?” He almost didn't want to hear the answer.

“Oh, I, um.” Ryan inhaled a little, eyebrows furrowing. “We don't have to go out again soon, if you want a little time to yourself. I understand if there are inhibitions.” He looked away, and back. “Did you not have a good time?”

“No!” Gavin said immediately. “It was great, I--” He stopped, blushing. “I really enjoyed it, Rye. We can . . . we can see what happens.” He mumbled the words, tucking back into Ryan's chest with a pounding heart. Next time, another date, an expectation that this would continue, it spun through his mind and nearly sent him reeling. Gavin struggled to get another breath in. “Let's just go to sleep for now.”

Ryan hesitated, and said, “Sure.” Ryan shifted up to pull the pillows closer and bring the blankets around them properly, almost reverent in the way he covered Gavin with it. “Night, Gavin.”

“Night.” Gavin curled in the warmth, legs tangled in Ryan's, one hand on his chest with the other over his waist. At the very least, he could enjoy this while he had it. Ryan's breath still brushed his hair, far enough that it didn't tickle his skull but rather gave him something to focus on while he got comfortable and let the silence surround him.

As comfortable as it was, and even though Ryan fell asleep almost immediately, Gavin couldn't stop his mind from bringing up the questions he refused to address the second he opened the front door and saw Ryan standing there. They had work tomorrow, and the hickies alone would be enough to set everyone off. There was no keeping secrets, no testing the waters. Gavin's private life would be on display for all to gawk at.

The worries kept him awake for an hour or so, he certainly wasn't obsessively checking the clock on Ryan's nightstand every few minutes, but eventually the toll of their activities had Gavin's lids falling. He nuzzled Ryan again, taking in his scent, and hoped things wouldn't be awkward in the morning when he had to break it to Ryan that their assumptions for the night didn't exactly line up.

* * *

As many a human can attest to, there is a difference between making a decision in the heat of the moment and looking back on that decision later.

Gavin woke up the next morning alone. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, mind wandering between the dreams of last night and the usual questions of the morning, namely being what time it was and what he would eat today before work. If he were lucky, Geoff would be making breakfast and he could steal some from the Ramsey's kitchen. Gavin stretched, vision clearing with every blink. The moment he made to get out of bed, he realized where he was, and promptly panicked.

Ryan's house. He came over, he kissed Ryan, they had _sex_. Gavin slept over, tucked into Ryan without a care about how he would leave the next morning or face the day of work without shame, or even what Ryan might think when Gavin told him the truth. Ryan wasn't a one-night-stand type, he knew now, and he'd thought they were going into something serious when Gavin assumed it was all for fun and a casual encounter. He was _wrong_ and now it would come back to slap him in the face.

Gavin groaned, pressing his hands to his face. He hadn't meant-- It was a date, but--

He told Ryan all those _things_ about himself, about his past. Ryan wouldn't have asked, wouldn't have made sure they were being safe because it wouldn't have mattered, if he wanted the same thing as Gavin. It came rushing back, the little hints and looks that should have told him what was going on. Groaning again, he stood up to retrieve his clothes and maybe slink out before Ryan saw he was awake. Seeing him would mean questions, expectations, discussions. It was too early for Gavin to think about any of it. He walked around the bedroom and found his pants, picking them up.

His wallet fell out of the pocket. Gavin leaned down, and frowned as it fell open, several bills peeking out of the top. He was sure he gave most of them to Ryan, left with only thirty after he paid for his dinner. But there was at least fifty dollars in there. There was a whole battle about paying, no way he didn't give Ryan some of his money. Unless.

Gavin couldn't help snorting a little, even as his heartbeat raced and his mind struggled to think of a reason to tell Ryan that he made a mistake and they shouldn't be sleeping together yet, because he thought it wouldn't hurt to go on one date and see if Ryan's big hands were as strong as they looked. He yanked out the same bills he'd given Ryan the night before and left them on the nightstand. Maybe the man could get away with seducing him, but he wouldn't be paying for dinner if Gavin could help it.

He slipped his pants on, tucked his wallet away, and spent a minute searching for his shirt before he trailed out of the room. The hallway clearly led to the kitchen without a way to avoid it, if the strong smell of eggs was any indication. Gavin peeked in the different rooms, but none of them had doors to the outside. He would have to go through the kitchen to get to the foyer, if he remembered Ryan carrying him last night correctly. Gavin wasn't sure that he did.

So much for sneaking out, in any case. Gavin sighed and slumped his way across the floor, and looked carefully around the doorway to the kitchen. If he didn't see Ryan, he could get to the door where the rest of his stuff was and call a cab. But upon catching sight of him, he immediately burst out laughing.

He was wearing an apron. An apron, on his wide shoulders and thick chest, hugging the shapely hips that would have reminded Gavin of last night were he not focused on breathing through the laughter. Geoff wore them at home, but Geoff was tall and thin and didn't look ridiculous in them. Ryan looked like a dad whose wife was gone for the day and struggled with his decision to even wear the damn thing. Gavin struggled to cover his mouth and stifle the noise.

Ryan turned from his work on the stove, a spatula in one hand to flip the eggs, brow scrunched in mock offense. “I know why you're laughing,” he said. “Sit down.”

Gavin held his breath, laughter fading. He didn't want this. He shouldn't be sitting down to have breakfast with Ryan, he should be leaving, like he did the first time he spent the night with another man. Sneaking out before he woke up with a quickly scribbled note about how it was great, even though it wasn't, and walking the long way back to Geoff's with his shoulders hunched and his clothes stinking of sex. Gavin was almost sure that note got thrown out without being read.

His hesitation had Ryan turning back to him, hands holding a plate of waffles he'd made before starting the eggs. He stared at Gavin peeking around the door, and walked over to the seat pulled out from the kitchen table. His gaze switched between the two, his meaning clear. Gavin stayed where he was, saying, “Thanks, but, uh, I should be going. Geoff worrying, and all.”

Ryan frowned. “Sit,” he said. It was gentle rather than commanding, a plea from someone who went to a lot of trouble to make breakfast for two.

Being told twice was enough, though it shouldn't have been, and Gavin moved to sit and tuck his chair in properly, while Ryan set the plate of waffles in front of him, already covered in syrup and whipped cream, and went to tend to the quickly burning eggs. The table was set for two, but Gavin didn't reach for the silverware, hands tucked in his lap. He waited for Ryan to finish the eggs. Ryan slid them straight from the pan to Gavin's plate, asking, “More?” after he put two on. Gavin shook his head and didn't move.

Breakfast together. It was what Gavin liked, evidenced by the many breakfasts he spent with the Ramseys instead of eating by himself in his backyard loft. The air of domesticity was almost too much, after the terrifying date. The sight of Ryan making up his own plate and sitting down with him, fork digging in his waffle right away, filled Gavin with both warmth and chills. Ryan liked him enough to bring him to his house, and made him a lovely breakfast. He should appreciate it.

Gavin poked at the eggs a couple times, finally giving in to hunger and spearing one in half, struggling to cut apart the gooey flesh. Ryan asked, “How is it?” around the food in his own mouth, when he saw Gavin take a bite. Gavin nodded noncommittally.

“As good as last night?” Ryan laughed at his own joke as he spread the whipped cream around the tiny chambers of his waffle.

Oh, god. “Yeah,” Gavin said, voice straining. Images of last night swam through his mind at the mention. How Ryan practically worshiped him, not touching himself until Gavin was satisfied, and the way his hands felt underneath him when he was being carried. It was a feeling Gavin knew he could get addicted to. Ryan probably expected more of it.

Dating would be a lot easier if there wasn't any dating involved. Gavin mulled over that thought as he chewed his waffles.  
“Gavin?” Ryan tilted his head. “Are you okay? Do you need more syrup? Salt for the eggs?”

“What-- no.” Gavin shook his head fast, brain spinning. “No, it tastes fine. That's-- it's fine.”

Ryan pursed his lips, but didn't say anything. He let Gavin eat and worked steadily on his own food. Little else besides the clinking of forks on plates sounded in the small kitchen. He opened his mouth a couple times, thought better of it, and went back to his breakfast. Gavin thanked him silently for that small mercy. Perhaps it wouldn't be a death trap getting out of here.

He finished fast, ready to hike it out. He could call a cab, or walk back to Geoff's if he had to. His cell phone weighed heavy in his pocket. “Thanks, Ryan,” he said, putting the fork down and standing. “It was great, very tasty.”

Ryan put his fork away just as fast and moved to match Gavin. “Where are you going?”

“Uh, leaving?” Gavin ducked his head. “I figured you don't want me around too long.”

“Gavin,” Ryan said in his gentle tone again, as though talking to an impatient child. “We have work today. I thought I would drive you.”

“I-- no, I can get a ride. A cab. Something.” Gavin tried to take his phone from his pocket to show Ryan, but fumbled in his grip and almost dropped it. Ryan raised a brow. Gavin held the phone up when he got a proper grip. “No problem.”

“Fuck that.” Ryan reached out and grabbed the phone, shuffling close to Gavin to slip it back in his pocket. The proximity alone had Gavin breathing fast again, taking in Ryan's early morning smell, trying not to let a moan slip. “I'm taking you.” Ryan's words were clipped now, and he hurried past Gavin to the hall. “I'll get ready for work, and if you're gone when I get back, I'll tell the whole office what we did last night.”

“Okay,” Gavin said, quiet. “I'll get proper dressed, then.”

He went to the bedroom while Ryan used the bathroom. Gavin pulled on his socks and shoes and sat on the bed feeling sorry for himself. No more rushed decisions about handsome men, he decided, as Ryan left the bathroom and came in to get clean clothes.

They avoided eye contact as they passed each other, Gavin going stiff when Ryan brushed his shoulder. It lit up with the ghost of contact, reminiscent of the night before. Gavin touched his shoulder again, wondering if the feeling of it was more imagined than real.

He spent his time in the bathroom trying to sort out his appearance. He was right about the hickies, they were blotted all over his skin. There was even a bruise on his hip when he bothered to lift his shirt and peek. Ryan didn't have any make-up, of course, and Gavin didn't have a scarf or hoodie. On one of the warmest nights Austin had in some time, he brought the lightest jacket he had, not nearly enough material to cover his neck. Bad move, in hindsight.

Well, he could deal with teasing. So what if people knew he and Ryan shared a bed for a while. The news of their night out for bevs went around fast enough, it wasn't like they couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together. They might even expect them to be lovey dovey with each other.

Gavin breathed hard, trying not to think of the look on Ryan's face. He was used to people liking his body or his personality, not both. The idea of Ryan being interested made his throat tighten.

He came out from the bathroom and found Ryan waiting in the front hall for him, looking unsure. The threat of telling everyone was as empty as Gavin's breakfast plate, but he greeted Ryan softly anyway. His stomach roiled with fresh food and nerves. He had licked his lips as he got ready, drying them out as the spit evaporated and he replaced it with another swipe. Gavin desperately wanted a tube of chapstick to heal the damage he did, but the tube in his pocket was empty when he took it out to use. Ryan looked at him worrying the skin, shaking his head a little. “Come on, we're gonna be late.”

The change in attitude rocked Gavin like an energy charge, a lightning flash of contained aggravation, not quite directed at him, but close. Gavin followed to the car and got in without a fuss, his last hope of ditching evaporating with the sound of the engine. Ryan drove them to work with hands hard on the steering wheel and a hunched back. Gavin leaned his head against the window, pretending not to sneak glances at Ryan.

“Oh,” Ryan said, about halfway through the drive. “Here.” He dug into his back pocket with one hand and took out his wallet, handing a few bills to Gavin. The car swerved as he struggled to keep control with his other hand, only enough to make Gavin's heart jump before Ryan straightened it out. He waved the bills to make Gavin look at them. “I'm not letting you pay for dinner. It was my treat.”

Gavin looked at the bills, and at Ryan. “Why are you insisting?”

“Because I'm a gentleman and I pay for people when I take them out.”

“I don't want it.”

“ _Gavin._ ”

They were stopped in morning traffic, and Ryan took the chance to look him in the eye. “It was just a night so, please. Take the goddamn money.”

Gavin opened his mouth to protest. Ryan shook the money at him before he could say anything. They stared at each other, their breath and the hum of the car engine the only sounds in the tight space. Ryan's face pinched as more time went by, and Gavin took the bills to stop complete anguish from passing over his expression. Ryan breathed a tiny sigh of relief, moving the car forward as traffic flow started again. Gavin thumbed the money in his hands, the pads of his fingers suddenly sensitive to the feeling of pressed cotton. He didn't put it in his wallet. It gave him something to look at on the ride to work.

In the parking lot, Ryan didn't get out of the car. He kept his eyes on the hedge standing in front of his parking space. “I'm sorry,” he said, quiet. “I didn't mean to misunderstand.”

“It's--” Gavin breathed hard, fingers clenched tight around the money. “It was my fault, and I don't think . . . dating is the right way to figure this out.” There, he said it. Gavin kept his eyes on his lap. A million things he could have said, and he chose that.

Ryan stopped at that, looking at Gavin, eyebrow raised. “What?”

“What? I mean.” Gavin avoided his suddenly curious gaze. “I don't date men. I said I had romps before, good stuff that didn't have to last.”

“I thought.” Ryan licked his lips. “I thought you meant you weren't dating _them._ Not now, not--” He didn't say it, but Gavin heard the meaning clear as day. Not with him, with Ryan.

“I never thought about dating.” Gavin pulled a face of disgust. “It's bloody Texas, Ryan. I wasn't exactly comfortable in those bars.”

Ryan stopped, looking at him with wide eyes. “Gavin, that sucks,” he said weakly, searching Gavin's face for . . . something. Gavin must not have had it, because Ryan didn't stop looking until Gavin broke eye contact, staring at the dashboard instead. Ryan put his hands out slowly, placing one carefully on each of his arms and turning Gavin in the seat to face him when he didn't flinch or try to get away, though he refused to meet Ryan's eyes. “Is that why?” he asked after a minute. “Why you keep it hidden, why no one's seen you with another guy?”

“Part of it,” Gavin whispered. It felt terrible not to say anything, though all he wanted to do now was curl up and forget Ryan ever hit on him, the way he was treating him like a child now. “Never keen on publicity, either.”

“But, Gavin.” Ryan straightened, letting him go. “You have to tell me. Is that why you wanted a fling? Because I was flirting, but I was serious, I-- I really want you, Gavin. I'll respect your wishes, but goddamn,” Ryan stopped to laugh lightly, “that's a stupid reason to go back into that silly shell of yours.”

Gavin blushed at his tone. “It's not stupid.”

Ryan's smile faded. “Yeah, I suppose not. But, were you interested in dating? Just so I know,” he clarified quickly, “there's no pressure, I just, I want to know. If it could have been a thing.”

The way Ryan was looking at him, it could have been more than a thing. It could have been a wonderful experience for them both, to explore each other and spend nights at home and play games and roll around in bed and laugh together. Gavin wanted it, more than anything in that moment.

But he didn't always get what he wanted. It wasn't worth it.

“I was,” Gavin said. “The picture of it, it's-- it's very nice. Just, not what I should have.”

Ryan's brow furrowed. Gavin opened the door and hurried out, and he didn't hear anything Ryan might have said. He clutched the money from last night, shoving it in his pants as he walked through the front door. Megan, their lovely office manager and current receptionist, tried to say hi. He walked too fast to bother replying.

The hullabaloo at breakfast made them late. The rest of the gang was there, sans Geoff, but his bag was at his desk. He probably went in search of coffee, after his recent stint with alcohol. Gavin slouched into himself and grabbed the creeper scarf woven through the back of his chair to wind it around his neck before anyone could see. Of course, it got stuck, and Gavin yelped without thinking as he worked to get the cloth out. Michael turned, slipping his headphones off. “Problem?”

“No,” Gavin grit out, yanking the scarf. “It's fine.” He wrapped it around his neck, and he could feel Michael staring, but he didn't care. He sat down and got to work just as Ryan trailed in. Gavin didn't look at him, though Ryan paused at his desk, probably hoping to say something, or that Gavin would explain himself. But nothing came forth and Ryan went to the couch to play with his set up and ask Jack if there was anything pertinent he needed to be in the office for.

There wasn't, and Ryan left shortly after he came, in favor of his desk in the back. Gavin breathed out through his nose as soon as the door shut. Michael caught it, because he was bloody observant like that, leaning close to Gavin. “Did something happen?” He was relaxed, but his tone had a hint of concern, and Gavin appreciated it.

“I'm fine.” He shrugged and turned back to his monitor in a silent request to be left alone. Michael stared at him a minute, and listened to him, looking away. Gavin saw him glance over a few times, but he didn't say anything else, either because he believed Gavin or, more likely, he didn't know what to say in a situation like this. Michael was straight, and when he and Lindsay started dating, it worked out fine. They were engaged and didn't have to worry about one-night-stands and break ups and all that nonsense. That was Gavin's problem.

Geoff, though. Geoff wouldn't stand for moping or sulking or anything of the kind. He stepped in the office fifteen minutes later and knew something was up as soon as he looked at Gavin. He sighed, put his mug of coffee on his desk, and smacked Gavin on the shoulder. “Come on, Gav, we need to talk.”

Gavin froze at the contact, and stood, following Geoff out the door and down the hall, to a quiet corner that people rarely walked by, toward the back of the building. He stood with his hands in his pockets and his head down, ready for the riot act.

It was silent for a long time. Geoff looked at him, waiting. Gavin refused to speak first. His stubbornness wore through until Geoff couldn't take it, sighing again as he said, “All right, I can tell you're upset, or angry, or whatever. Tell me what the fuck happened with Ryan.”

“Nothing,” Gavin said right away. “Nothing happened, we just had sex.”

Geoff raised an eyebrow. “Just sex?”

The bastard always knew when Gavin wasn't giving up information. “It was just sex,” Gavin repeated. “And . . . that wasn't what Ryan wanted.”

“Oh, for God's sake.” Geoff rubbed his face with both hands. “So, what? He was all into a relationship and that's not for you? Because, news flash, idiot, that's the shit you make clear before you even consider a date with somebody.”

“I know!” Gavin huffed and leaned against the wall. “I know, I cocked it up. Look, he knows, so we can both get over it and move on.”

“It doesn't work that easy, buddy.” Geoff put a hand on his shoulder. “He probably has strong feelings for you. We're gonna need to adjust work schedules and shit until it clears up. God.” He snorted, finding nothing funny with the situation but needing some sort of noise to convey exactly how foolish he thought Gavin was. “Of all the people to sleep with, Ryan? He's not a one-night-stand type, Gav, you know that. He's not in his twenties and scouting the bars, unlike you.”

Gavin was about to say that he didn't know Ryan wasn't searching for something easy, that he hadn't from the beginning, because Ryan never made it _clear_. He shut his mouth, mulling over Geoff's words. Ryan had asked him out for bevs. He told Gavin he was interested. He had kissed him, sweet and gentle and with an air of teasing that he threw around the office casually. He treated Gavin like a friend, and not a hot body to fool around with. His paying for both their nights out should have been indication enough, that he wanted to treat Gavin and that he wasn't in this for himself.

It couldn't be helped now. Gavin had pushed him away. Ryan was kind and open and loving and very, very dangerous. He hung his head. “Yeah, I know.”

Geoff looked at him another minute. “He'll try again, I guarantee it.”

“I know.”

“Okay.” Geoff ruffled his hair, combed down because Ryan's house didn't have the gel Gavin used to make it stick up when he wanted to look like he tried without actually trying. “Don't be weird about this,” Geoff warned, meeting Gavin's eyes. “I won't have crying twinks and a madder than usual scientist in my office.”

“Mm.” Gavin shucked his hand off and turned to walk back. Geoff strolled behind him, humming a light tune. It covered up the way he kept staring at Gavin, searching his body language for something he wouldn't say. Gavin pulled his scarf tighter around his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is the end of part one! Fear not, dear readers. Part two shall be released in a week or so. I just want to give you guys some time to stew.
> 
> This work was originally inspired by a piece of art done by Rooferfeef at rooferfeef.tumblr.com. It is an explicit nsfw image and it contains story spoilers, so beware clicking the link. Please do not click the link if you don't want the story spoiled for you. I want to give credit where credit is due without spoiling it for everyone. 
> 
> http://tinyurl.com/q9m9cnt


	2. speak of me in the present tense

Ryan leaned back against the couch, sliding his glasses off and rubbing the bridge of his nose. At the other end of the room, Geoff made one final comment into the microphone and turned his recording off, packing up the equipment quickly and efficiently. The other men around the room followed his lead, though Michael and Ray took their time, joking with each other.

“You're a fucking monster with that bazooka,” Michael said, tucking cords and wires under the desk where they wouldn't be tripped over.

Ray laughed with him. “What can I say, Jack's an easy target.”

Jack made a complaining noise from his desk, which would normally be bounced off of by one of the lads. Michael and Ray were too busy giggling at each other. And Gavin, well. He hadn't laughed at much of anything outside of a recording lately.

Ryan looked at Gavin, who had finished putting away his setup and opened the next file for editing. No standing up to break from sitting for two hours, no trip to the bathroom, not even a pause to talk to the lads or glance at the clock. Straight from one project to the other, stopping anyone else from talking to him.

It had been that way ever since Ryan and Gavin had their fallout a couple weeks ago. Ryan wanted to date seriously. Gavin didn't. That should have been end of story, awkwardness floating around for a while before they got back to their old selves, still friends but with a little more history. From Gavin's attitude, though, it looked like that wasn't going to happen.

Ryan put his glasses back on and closed down his computer. If he were going to get work done and he didn't need to be in the Achievement Hunter office, he might as well go to his desk in the back. Working with Lindsay was much easier than putting up with the rolling waves of aggression that came off Gavin every time they locked eyes.

He wasn't the type for fighting. Neither of them were. It surprised Ryan how easily Gavin scowled and avoided him, how he could brush off his comments in Let's Plays with fake humor and sidle up to Geoff to ask him to go home before Ryan had a chance to talk to him. It wasn't like him. If something upset him, he either tried to fix the problem or learned to live with it, letting the negativity slough off like old skin. That Gavin was keeping this so close to him, and making it so obvious to everyone else that he had a problem at all, spoke volumes.

It first came up when they were alone together the Monday after. Ryan walked in after lunch and Gavin was still there, a half eaten sandwich and can of Red Bull on his desk. He was deep in a project, headphones on and eyes glued to the screen. When Ryan tapped him on the shoulder, he jumped a mile high and squawked. After taking off the headphones to see who it was, he looked away again, staring at his screen even though he couldn't do anything until Ryan left him alone.

“Hey.” Ryan put a hand at the back of his neck. “Things have been kind of tense. Are you okay?” It was genuine concern, or at least Ryan told himself that. The way Gavin looked at him hurt, too, but he could live with it. What else did he expect? He asked Gavin for something he didn't want to give. Ryan might be upset too, in Gavin's shoes.

Gavin's reply was curt. “Yes, I'm fine.”

He said that the day they fought, too. Gavin's sourness had everyone asking if he was all right, and Gavin said the same thing. “I'm fine.”

Ryan had to bite back his discomfort at Gavin's tone. “Oh. Okay then. Um, I'm here if you want to, you know, talk. About anything.”

The offer didn't help. Gavin had shoved his headphones back on and dove straight back into whatever he was working on. Ryan dared to glance and recognized it as a recent video, but Gavin leaned forward in his chair, hiding the computer with his body. Ryan got the message loud and clear, and turned to sit on his couch.

Except it didn't feel like his couch anymore. Whenever he sat there, Gavin made a noise or got stiff or glanced at him before looking away, like he wished Ryan would abandon the spot next to him. Even now, packing up his equipment from the recording, Ryan could see the tension leaving Gavin, the relief that the man he no longer cared for would be going to the other office.

Ryan swallowed, and left the room quickly.

Geoff had tried to schedule them around each other. Gavin did most of his videos with Michael or Ray. Any combination of three or four added Geoff or Jack. The exceptions were Minecraft and GTA V, where all six of them were expected to be present at least some of the time. Ryan dreaded those days, anticipating the drop of weight in his stomach when Gavin clamped his mouth shut and steeled himself to mope for the entire recording session. It got bad enough that the fans were noticing, complaining about Gavin's lack of destruction and asking what was wrong, the way they did when Ray went through a period of sleeplessness and his lackluster video performance prompted a Twitter tag dedicated to making him feel better. Fans on Twitter and Tumblr were asking what happened. Some even went so far as to speculate if Gavin was being deported.

Ryan only knew that much about the fans because he went looking for the information.

He tried not to blame himself for it, skulking about online, flinching whenever he saw Gavin's name. But it was really the only way he stayed updated on Gavin anymore. He wouldn't talk about his day with anyone. He went straight home. He would answer questions but never expand upon them. Gus yelled at him for being too quiet on the last podcast. Ryan felt a lump in his throat whenever he noticed it, but his presence only made Gavin clam up more, and it seemed there was nothing he could do.

This wasn't normal. Not for Gavin, not to this degree.

Sitting at his desk in the back office, Ryan tried to relax. There was work to be done. In lieu of starring in videos, extra editing duty was delegated to him. There were at least three videos backed up in his queue. He ran a hand through his hair and leaned forward, opening the file that needed to be done the fastest. He almost started at the blurry quality, and remembered that he wasn't wearing his glasses. The screen in front of him was fuzzy, too far for his eyes to see it clearly. Ryan sighed and dug his glasses case from his pocket. Nearsightedness sucked, but it had to be better than being farsighted. Ryan could only imagine needing glasses constantly to see something right in front of your nose, how annoying it would be not to be able to recognize a face because it was too close rather than too far.

That thought quickly wove itself into which face in particular Ryan wanted to see up close, and he shoved it aside, growling to himself. He had work to do and no time for daydreaming. He slipped the glasses on and buried himself in editing, glad for the distraction.

 

* * *

Ryan caught Gavin on his way back from lunch.

He was outside the office, leaning by the front door and staring at the sky. The sun was out, but it was colder than usual, a gentle wind rustling the trees and the polo Gavin wore. Ryan had seen him leave with Geoff to eat. Geoff was nowhere to be found, though. Just Gavin, standing by himself and staring into the distance. Ryan's instincts told him to ignore Gavin and go inside.

Instead he walked up to him, hands in his pockets. This had to end. Gavin never moved without purpose, even if that purpose was a response to being startled by someone else. He never stood around aimlessly like a poet seeking the perfect line. The stillness bored him. Whatever trance he was in, Ryan had to break it. He stopped in front of Gavin and took a deep breath, both to steel himself and to alert Gavin to his presence.

Gavin's head whipped down, eyes going wide. He moved fast, trying to walk around Ryan before they could lock eyes. Ryan sidestepped, blocking his path to the front door. “Gavin,” he said gently. He didn't want to scare him, but this was ridiculous. They could be friends and avoid all the bull shit if Gavin would be honest about what was bothering him for a change.

Gavin froze, glancing between Ryan and the door. “What.”

Ryan tried to look at him, but Gavin kept his eyes firmly over Ryan's shoulder. Shuffling from one foot to the other, he said, “You aren't okay, Gav. You've been moping for two weeks.”

“Have not--” Gavin began.

“Yes, you have.” Ryan lowered his voice, his tone firm. “You don't talk to me, you _barely_ speak to anyone else, and all you ever do is sit around. We're worried about you. _I'm_ worried about you.”

Gavin shrugged. “It's nothing.”

“Was it something I did?” Ryan brought a hand up, fiddling with his glasses. He hadn't bothered to take them off when he broke for lunch, leaving them as he drove to the nearest restaurant for a quick bite before he came back. Time outside the office might be more of a godsend with the current atmosphere, but he spent too much time thinking about Gavin for it to be pleasant. “Because, you can tell me. I won't be mad.”

“You didn't do anything,” Gavin said, curt, but softer than before. He dared to look up now, meeting Ryan's eyes for the first time in too long. “I'm not upset, all right? Can we just leave it at that?”

“That's a fucking lie.”

Gavin sucked in a breath, stepping back like the force of Ryan's words physically hurt him. Ryan clenched a fist, almost regretting sounding so harsh. But he wouldn't stand for this. “You're not okay, anyone can see that, and anyone with a brain will know it started when you left my car that morning. You ran off after I asked to date you and I don't know what it was that freaked you out, but it was _something_ and I'm tired of you treating me like a fucking disease because of it.”

“Hey!”

Ryan stopped his speech, flinching at the new voice. Geoff was in the doorway, staring at the two of them. He shielded his eyes against the afternoon sun and stepped fully outside. He looked between them and narrowed his gaze. “What the fuck are you two doing?”

“Talking. We're done now.” Gavin snatched the excuse like a lifeline, rushing past Ryan and Geoff to go back inside. Ryan stepped after him, hand outstretched. Geoff hurried over and caught him by the shoulder, giving him a stare that would take down a bull. Ryan pulled his hand back and turned to the ground. He yelled at Gavin. How fucking stupid was he.

“Hey,” Geoff said again, bringing his hand up to Ryan's face and snapping his fingers. “Look at me, Ryan.”

Ryan listened.

Geoff frowned. “What was that?”

Regret crept up Ryan's throat. He tried to blow it out with a sigh, and said, “Gavin was out here. I tried talking to him. He wouldn't say anything except that he was fine, which is bullshit and we both know it.”

Geoff shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “That was a bad idea.”

“I know.” Ryan stared at the door and pictured Gavin coming back, apologetic and ready to listen. The image made Ryan's stomach churn, and he pushed it away. Gavin wasn't a puppy dog disobeying its master. “Fuck, I know.”

Considering something for a long moment, Geoff said, “He mopes at home, too.”

Ryan's head snapped up, eyebrows raised. “He does?”

“Yep.” Geoff sucked in air through his teeth, breathing out slow. “Almost never has dinner with us anymore, spends all his time in the loft playing video games. He's pretty quiet on car rides, too. I've never really seen him like this, except maybe when he was worrying about visa stuff, or when Dan spent a long time without leave.”

Ryan shook his head back and forth, if only to clear it. Gavin wasn't just upset at work, with Ryan there and reminding him of whatever it was that upset him so much. The spectacle was bleeding into his home life. Ryan wanted nothing more than to draw him close and tell him everything would be okay, but he had a feeling that would only make it worse. He clenched his fists, tight until the strain on his muscles was too much, and released. “I'm sorry, Geoff.”

“Oh-- goddamn it, Ryan.” Geoff rolled his eyes. “It's not your fault. He-- he's had stints like this. Not this bad, it lasted a day or two, but he--” Geoff stopped, licking his lips. “Relationships are hard. He has these low self esteem issues he can't seem to work past and when he gets rejected he's all mopey. He usually drowns it in beer for a while and moves on. Nothing to be sorry about.”

“But I didn't reject him!” Ryan put a hand in his hair, pulling it, giving himself something to feel while his mind wound itself tighter in its frustration. “I offered to date! I lo-- I like him a lot.” He caught the dangerous words, correcting himself, and quickly shoved past it again with his own confusion. “ _He_ rejected _me_ , Geoff, what the fuck is wrong?”

“I don't know.” Geoff shrugged, shoulders tight. “Maybe he thinks you're pissed.”

“Doubt that, I've done nothing but try to talk to him.”

“Fucking-- what should I do?” Geoff looked him the eyes, nostrils flaring. “I've done my motherfucking best to help him and he always curls into himself. I tried giving him space and his attitude is as good as ever. I'm tired of scheduling around you two. I'm tired of the tension. If you have any bright ideas about how to fix this, Ryan, I'd love to hear them.”

Ryan moved back a half step, gaze moving between Geoff and the air past his shoulder, unsure if he should keep contact or not. Geoff didn't exactly look like he wanted to maul him, but his words hung heavy with repressed anger and exhaustion. “I just want to be friends again,” he said, quieter. “He treats me like an enemy. Like I hurt him.” And maybe he had. It would be nice to at least know what he did so he could apologize. Feeling like shit and not knowing why would put anyone off, and it had broken a great friendship. Ryan clenched his hands again.

“I think you're right.”

Ryan looked at Geoff again, who had loosened up and moved a little closer to him. “I think Gavin's lying about how he feels right now,” Geoff continued. “But he doesn't open up about a lot of things. If the problem involves you, he probably won't tell you about it without some nudging.”

“Nudging?”

Geoff nodded. “Yeah, nudging. Prodding. Ask him what's going on. Do it somewhere where he can't walk away. The office is a bad place, he can use work as an excuse and fucking wriggle out of the conversation.” He looked Ryan up and down, biting his lip as he thought about something for a moment. “Do you want to come over to our house and ask him? I have a spare key to his loft.”

That was . . . tempting. Very tempting. To be able to confront Gavin where he couldn't run away, to sit him down, maybe with beer as a peace offering, and really ask him what happened that morning to send him scurrying away. It was wonderfully tempting to say yes and know the problem would end soon.

But it was awfully cruel.

Trapping Gavin, forcing him to come out with it before he was ready. Ryan wouldn't want that in Gavin's place. It was like catching a pet and forcing medicine down their throat, instead of putting the pill in their food to invite them to come to it. Ryan didn't want to start with something cruel if he didn't have to.

“Thanks, but, no thanks.” Ryan tried not to regret refusing the offer. “That wouldn't be fair to Gavin at all. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“Really?” Geoff raised an eyebrow. “Because it wouldn't be that hard, and I'm really sick of the moping. I'd rather you two duke it out in the safety of my yard instead of calling each other out in the parking lot.”

“Yeah, but.” Ryan adjusted his glasses again, pushing them up his nose. “It's just mean, to corner him like that.”

“Oh.” Geoff scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, you're right. I just-- want this shit to stop.”

Ryan turned,and recognized the way he stared at the ground. Gavin hadn't been right for weeks, avoiding everyone, snapping, relaxing for a minute at a time before he remembered why he was upset and drew into himself again. And Geoff had been witness to it, at work and at home. The frustration he felt wouldn't compare.

“Me too.” Ryan drew in a breath. “And I'll make it happen. I'll help him, without pushing too hard. There's gotta be a way to get him to open up.”

“Yeah.” Geoff shook himself, dispelling the anxiety, at least for the moment. If nothing else, helping Gavin would get their work lives back in order, and maybe Geoff wouldn't look so tired. Or, less tired than usual. Ryan tried to smile. Geoff returned it, and clapped him on the shoulder again. “Come on, let's go in.”

“Sure.” Ryan followed Geoff inside, stopping on his way to the office as Geoff turned in the direction of the kitchen. “Where are you going?”

“Coffee, for me and Gav,” he said, not slowing in his walk.

Ryan looked at the office door, and went to the kitchen too, halting in the doorway. Geoff had the coffee tin in his hands, and peered at him. “Yeah?”

“Can-- can I bring it to him?”

Geoff tilted his head, and laughed. “Coffee is a good start,” he said, taking a mug from the shelf and sliding it across the counter. Ryan took it, watching patiently as Geoff filled the coffee filter and started the machine. Before their first date, what felt like eons rather than weeks ago, when Ryan flirted with Gavin in the communal kitchen, Gavin had made himself a cup and took it away black, no milk or sugar. But most of the time, if Gavin had coffee it was doused in milk. He'd been so startled by Ryan's boldness that he'd forgotten it.

That was what he assumed, anyway. The memory of Gavin's blush and how he stammered over his words, holding the mug like a shield in front of himself, were what Ryan remembered best. He thought he made it obvious enough that he wanted more than a fuck when he spoke so intimately to Gavin, close enough to kiss. Maybe there was an art to flirting seriously versus flirting for sex. Maybe Ryan was a fool.

When the coffee was ready and Ryan filled the mug, he made sure to put plenty of milk in the cup. Geoff smiled again and they went back to the office, Geoff leading. Ryan hesitated at the doorway.

Gavin turned to Geoff, slipping his headphones off. “Did you get me a cup, Geoff?”

“Hell no,” Geoff said, and took a victorious sip of his own drink.

“Geoff!” Gavin groused, leaning over the back of his chair. Doing this, he caught sight of Ryan in the doorway. He frowned and sat up straight, replacing his headphones. Ryan sighed and stepped in the room, setting the mug gently on Gavin's desk. Gavin jolted, the headphones halfway to his ears.

“Sorry for yelling,” Ryan said. “I put lots of milk in it.”

Gavin gulped. “Thanks.”

Ryan stayed standing a second, and Gavin looked at him with narrowed eyes, challenging. The message read loud and clear, and Ryan sat on his couch, hurrying to find something to do. There was a sense of something to his right, and he suspected Gavin might be staring, but he couldn't bring himself to look. The possibility that Gavin had been offended by his peace offering would be too much.

At least he'd said thanks.

 

* * *

The thing about Gavin was, he never approached things directly.

When they had flirted, Gavin would steal glances and tilt his head down and stand closer to Ryan than usual, but he never made a move. Ryan had to push things forward, and things were proving no different in trying to make up with him. He didn't let the fact that he didn't even know what his transgression was deter him.

Gavin softened a little after their talk, and the coffee. He still avoided looking at Ryan, but that was hard to do when Ryan made a habit of bringing him drinks. He gave Gavin coffee and, before recordings, Red Bull, and each time Gavin's muttered, “Thanks,” got softer and kinder. It wasn't enough, though, and Ryan didn't want them to move at a snail's pace.

He interacted with Gavin as much as he could. During recordings he tried to pair with Gavin; Geoff helped him in that regard, pairing 'Team Love and Stuff' as often as he could get away with for team competitions, until Gavin shot him a look that clearly meant he knew what Geoff was doing. He stayed silent about it, though, and Ryan relaxed when Gavin treated him almost the way he had before as they ran around video game realms together.

And yet, despite the decrease in animosity, Gavin still refused to directly talk to him. If Ryan came up from the back to ask a question or tried to chat after a recording, Gavin excused himself for a snack or the bathroom or just to breathe, hiding from Ryan instead of burying himself in his work. Whether Gavin felt bad for ignoring Ryan when he was trying to be kind or if Geoff said something to him, the new tactics worked as well as the old ones. Ryan barely said two words a day to him outside their videos, and ultimately, it didn't break the tension as well as he'd hoped.

At the same time, Ryan had to wonder _what_ he did to deserve this. He tried not to dwell on it.

The next Thursday, Gavin and Ryan were paired by Geoff again, this time in Minecraft. Each team of two had to breed and raise two baby animals to adulthood without putting the animals in fences or containers, the idea being that they would have to protect them from monsters at night. Geoff claimed they were paired to give the animals two parents each; it was complete bullshit because they could have easily done it as an individual task, but it spurred a lot of jokes about who would be the 'moms' of the teams and that made it easier for the excuse to slide.

Ryan was harvesting wheat in the mini farm he and Gavin made, searching for a set of animals in their area to breed. Gavin went mining, grasping any chance he could take to avoid direct interaction with Ryan. It hurt, like everything he'd been doing, but Ryan ignored it.

Several minutes into the search for wheat, and Ryan heard a hiss behind him. He screamed at the same time Gavin said, “I got it, I got it!” and the impending explosion that followed every creeper hiss never came. Ryan, having gone stiff on reflex, loosened up and turned his characters around to see Gavin's character picking up a bit of gunpowder. Relieved, he said, “Thanks, Gavin.”

“Yeah, well.” Gavin began running back in the opposite direction, swinging his sword mindlessly.

Before he could think the words over, Ryan blurted, “With all the antagonism, I would think you'd prefer to let me die by creeper.”

Gavin flinched. “I wouldn't let my teammate die.” But his voice faltered mid sentence, going quiet and strained. Ryan actually looked at Gavin, lifting his eyes from his screen to stare at the back of his head. Gavin was hunched over, turning when he felt Ryan's eyes on him. Their gazes met and they stared, suddenly frozen in their seats.

“We'll edit out the awkward,” Geoff said, close to the mic to pick up the low tone. “Come on, guys, let's focus.”

Michael let out a little laugh. “You could cut the air with a fucking knife, Jesus.”

“Shut up, Michael,” Gavin snapped, breaking his stare with Ryan to glare at him.

Michael bristled. “What, I was just making a fucking comment.”

“You don't need to comment on everything,” Gavin fired back.

“It's a fucking Let's Play!”

“Just shut up about it then!”

Their voices rose quickly, ratcheting up the pressure Geoff had tried to pop. Their sentences broke into swears and nonsense yelling, Michael and Gavin's characters stopping in game as they both lost focus. This was nothing like their usual banter, and everyone else soon stopped to watch the two men go at each other's throats.

“I'm supposed to talk during this! It's not my fault you can't fucking deal with your emotions!” Michael dropped his controller in his lap and slammed his palms on the table. “Keep the Ryan shit out of the fucking recordings, how about that?!”

Gavin went quiet. Ryan sunk in his couch.

Another moment passed. Michael breathed hard, away from the mic. Gavin stared at his desk. Ryan sat straight and leaned over the arm of the couch, reaching out to touch Gavin's arm lightly. Gavin jolted. “Hey,” Ryan said gently. “Why don't we talk after the video?”

A beat of silence, then, “Okay.” Gavin nodded. “All right.” He picked up his controller again, moving forward through the game. He shot an apologetic look to Michael, who grunted as he resumed his work mining. Jack, Ray, and Geoff watched the trio, cautiously starting the game again. Ryan looked at Gavin for a second, and tried to focus again, gathering wheat and searching for animals. The next ten minutes were silence with the occasional comment, as the men slowly got back into the rhythm and found the humor in their actions once again.

 

* * *

They met outside the building. Ryan made sure to position himself closest to the door, blocking the path Gavin might want to take to escape from any conversation. Gavin had his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the ground, scuffing his shoes on the asphalt from time to time. Ryan pushed his glasses up his nose and crossed his arms, waiting.

It was clear soon enough that Gavin wouldn't be the one starting conversation. Ryan sighed, and dropped his arms, letting the tension go. “Gavin,” he said gently, trying to prompt him. Gavin refused to look at him. Rolling his eyes, he said, “Fine, I'll start. Look, Gav, this is ridiculous. First you were ignoring me and now you're avoiding me,” Ryan held up his hands in a helpless gesture, “and, it sucks.” He let his hands fall and shook his head. “Geoff is tired of working around our fighting. The other guys are uncomfortable all the time. For fuck's sake, you blew up at Michael.”

“Did not--” Gavin started.

“Yes you did,” Ryan said, interrupting him. “You got pissed at him after I tried to joke around, and the tension is like a fucking piano wire. It's gonna snap any second.”

“I'm fine,” Gavin insisted, finally looking up. “Maybe you could lay off me for once.”

Ryan frowned. “I did! I didn't say a goddamn word for weeks, and you, mister 'I don't let anything bother me,' you moped around like a ten year old! And when I try being nice again you start running away! What the fuck am I supposed to do when both talking to you and ignoring you makes everything worse, huh?” Ryan pushed his glasses up again, focusing on the uncooperative frames rather than Gavin. “I miss being friends,” he said, quiet. “I miss you.”

Gavin shuffled on his feet again, putting all his weight on one and then the other.

“I love this job,” Ryan said. “I don't want anger between us, at least for the sake of the office and our coworkers. I'd like to be friends again, but . . . if that's not possible, could we at least be civil? Can we talk without all this drama?”

Gavin shrugged, tried to say something, and stopped. He sucked in a breath. “Maybe you can,” he said, meeting Ryan's eyes again. “It might be all la di da, perfect world for you, but some of us have a bloody rough time trying to get over our emotions, and I'd appreciate some goddamn space.”

Ryan blinked. “Get over--? I thought you didn't want to date.”

“I _don't_ ,” Gavin hissed, fists clenching, “but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings that won't fucking go away no matter what I do, and you know what? You're right, none of this is working! I tried ignoring you, and all that happened was I felt miserable _and_ guilty, and then I tried to be nice when you did favors and whatever and I kept thinking-- I don't like this, Ryan, I don't _want_ this.” His voice had gone high and choked by the end, and he turned away, rubbing at his eyes.

“Well, I-- I don't know what to tell you,” Ryan said, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “What do you want to do?”

“I want to fucking _forget_!” Gavin screeched, shoulders tensing. “I want to forget that we went out and that you had sex with me and that you're a fucking saint who apparently has no problem being friends with a one night stand, because this sucks balls and I feel like I'm the only one who gives a toss!” He looked up, eyes watery. Ryan had never seen Gavin cry, and he didn't start now, but it was the closest he'd come in front of anyone. “I'm fucking scared, all right?” Gavin said, working through stutters. “I slept with two guys and didn't so much as spend an entire day thinking about it, and now you-- and I can't stop and it's annoying and I don't want to feel like this, I hate it! I hate that I _still like you!_ ”

He stopped, breathing hard and fast, legs apart and planted firm, ready to run. Looking at Ryan, Gavin's rage marred his face, and he turned away fast, first putting his arms around himself and then down at his sides, twitching with unused energy.

Ryan stood in place, eyebrows raised and heart beating fast. Whatever he expected when he dragged Gavin out here after the recording, it wasn't that. He took a moment to go over the words, searching for meaning, while Gavin sorted himself out.

When Gavin stopped flitting his hands about and was breathing more regularly, Ryan took a cautious step closer. “Gav?”

“What?” he snapped, not as harsh as before.

“You still like me?” Ryan asked, tentative.

“Stupidly enough, yes, I do. It's the most frustrating thing I've had to deal with in a while.”

“But you don't want to date,” Ryan continued, stepping around to face him directly.

“No.” Gavin looked away. “I can't.”

Ryan frowned at the stress he put on his words. “I don't care if you _can't_ , I want to know if it's what you _want_.”

Gavin brought his shoulders up, ducking his head. “I can't date anyone,” he said. “It's-- It's serious, and stable, and I'm not a stable person. I'm always moving around, I'm not good at commitments, I've never been with somebody more than a few months. It's not for me.”

Guilt tugged at Ryan's heart, and he moved close, putting his arms up around Gavin's back. Gavin let him, for a moment, before backing away. Ryan tried to keep him there, to hold him close and comfort him, but Gavin shoved and his glasses fell and he had to bring his hands back to steady them and stop them from breaking. Gavin was huffing, nostrils flared and eyes narrowed. “Please don't,” he said, turning away.

“Gavin.” Ryan stopped, licking his lips. “It sounds a whole lot to me like you want to be able to date people, but something's stopping you.” Gavin opened his mouth, but Ryan kept talking. “I won't ask about it here, I'm not an asshole. But.” He took a deep breath, looking Gavin in the eye. “You still like me. And I like you, very much so. If forgetting would make you happy, I'll gladly comply. I think there are some things you should talk about, though, and if you won't tell anyone else, I'd appreciate it if you told me, so I could know why you're so intent on pushing me away.”

He paused, glancing around the lot. No one had come by yet, intruding on their little constructed space, but it was getting close to lunch and someone could easily interrupt and ruin any chance he had of finding out what was so upsetting for Gavin. It pained him to see him this way, flighty and defensive, running away and lashing out. It hurt him, and the rest of their friends, and if Gavin kept it bottled up it would end up doing permanent damage. Ryan was his friend, first and foremost, and he didn't want Gavin losing himself in dangerous emotions. “Look,” he said finally, returning his gaze to Gavin. “I want you to be happy. And I'd like to talk this out. If you're comfortable with it, I'd like to meet up after work and talk about this more privately. We don't have to go anywhere or do anything, I just wanna talk.”

Gavin glanced at the ground, and back up. “Where would we talk?”

Ryan looked reflexively at his car, parked across the way. “I can give you a lift home and take the long way. We can even sit in the car and chat in Geoff's driveway, he won't be able to listen to us without being obvious about it. And it might make him feel better to know someone's talking to you, anyhow. Whatever you want, though.” Ryan smiled, soft and gentle. “We can discuss things and work it out, and if you still feel like you don't want to date, that's fine. It hurts me to see you upset, is all.”

It was a long moment of scuffing his shoes and fiddling with his shirt sleeves before Gavin took a deep breath, and nodded. “Just talking?” he asked.

“Just talking, I promise. I won't try to coerce you into anything. I have some experience dealing with dating and such, and I might be able to help, or I can simply listen if that's all you need.” He stuck a hand out, offering it. “We're friends, right?”

Hesitating, Gavin took his hand and shook it, quickly pulling back. He rubbed the pads of his fingers together, feeling the ghost of contact. Ryan resisted the urge to raise a brow at the tiny movement, but smiled again as Gavin said, “Friends. I'd like that, Ryan. I'm sorry for being a pisspot.”

“You're dealing with stuff.” Ryan shrugged. “I was young, once. The world's hard. Meet me out here after work, if you want,” he said, stressing the offer for Gavin to get out of it if he truly didn't want to do it, “and I'll take you home. We can take all the time you need.”

Gavin swallowed, the movement of his throat hard not to watch, and nodded more vigorously than before. “Okay. That sounds . . . well, not perfect, but it's not bad. I'll try not to chicken out.”

“Excellent.” Ryan pushed his glasses up his nose, and raised a hand to pat Gavin gently on the back. “Let's get back to work. You don't even have to talk to me if it'll stress you out.” He flashed a smirk. “Although I'd be pretty hurt if you got into another fight because of it.”

Gavin flushed, hiding his face with a hand that reached up to sweep his hair back. “It's not-- it's been shit, all right? Not my fault Michael likes to yell.”

He almost pointed out that it was Gavin who had started the shouting match, but after getting back into his mildly tolerated graces, Ryan wasn't about to provoke him again. He settled for walking with Gavin back to the office, keeping a fair amount of space between them, going so far as to sit a couple feet further to the left on his couch than usual when they were back at their desks. Gavin didn't look at him as he sat down, and kept his back turned for the remainder of the day.

 

* * *

Ryan's day brightened considerably when, as he was packing his things at the desk in the back room, he noticed a body in his peripheral vision, and looked up to see Gavin standing there. He had his hands in his pockets and he jumped when their eyes met, but he gave a weak smile and that reassured Ryan. He finished closing down quickly and nodded for Gavin to follow him outside, not speaking as they walked through the building. No one said anything about them leaving together.

“You decided to come,” Ryan said, as they came to his car and he unlocked it. Gavin stood by the door as he tossed his bag in the back, meeting his gaze over the roof.

“Yeah,” he said, swallowing. “You can take me home, right?”

“Of course.” Ryan opened his door and slid in, waiting for Gavin before starting the engine and pulling out. “Take the long way?” he asked, to be sure.

Gavin made an affirmative noise, glancing out the window and at the dashboard, reluctant to look at him. He didn't have the distraction of driving that Ryan did, shifting endlessly. Ryan wanted to tell him it was okay and he could relax, but saying something would only make him more tense. He pushed the urge away, going over in his mind what he could possibly ask as they got onto the busy roads filled with other people and cars driving home.

“You want an explanation.” Gavin said it matter-of-factly, still not looking at him.

“Yes, because at this point it involves me as much as you. And I'm worried.” He spared a look at Gavin, eyebrows drawn. “No rush,” he added.

It was another long wait for Gavin to speak up again. Traffic slowed them down, but they would still be at Geoff's house before they finished any sort of meaningful discussion. They would have to wait in the driveway as Ryan predicted, if they wanted to get anything done. He could wait, though. Getting home late one night of the week was all right, if it meant he and Gavin could talk things through and put some of the issues to rest.

Eventually, Ryan grew tired of waiting, and said, “Okay, I'll start. Can you please tell me what the hell you were thinking?” He looked at Gavin again, quick to turn back to the road as traffic moved. “You said you had a good time that first night together, and I-- I was looking forward to maybe doing it again. And then you were all upset that morning and said something about how you shouldn't date. What is that? Why shouldn't you date anyone?”

He didn't mean to pry, really, because it was Gavin's decision what to tell him and Ryan had promised there would be no pressure. But it didn't make any sense. Gavin had strong feelings and he admitted that he wanted to date, but he wouldn't. For whatever reason, he saw fit to hurt Ryan and run away rather than take a chance and do something they both obviously wanted. Ryan did his best to be a gentleman about it, but he was more than a little bitter, squeezing tight on the steering wheel as he spoke.

Gavin looked down, staring at the space of seat between his open legs.

“Please,” Ryan said. “I want to understand. I need context for all this shit.”

“All right, all right,” Gavin relented, giving a long sigh. “It's hard to talk about. I don't think I've ever told anyone but Geoff and Griffon, since they were there for some of this. But you're right. You deserve to know.” He inhaled deep, leaning his forehead on the window to watch the scenery and keep his eyes on something as he spoke. Ryan waited, glancing between him and the road. He looped past a turn he was supposed to take, to give them a few more minutes.

“Dating is dangerous,” Gavin said, playing with his fingers. “I was never good at it. You know I have to get bevved up to ask someone out, or else I can't stomach the thought. I was an awkward kid and women never liked me much, at least not until I got to America. Then they were all over the accent, but I didn't want some girl who liked how I talked. I tried to find people I genuinely liked. And then.” He paused, prompting Ryan to look again and see his furrowed brow, his pursed lips.

“And then?” he asked.

“Griffon took me to the queer scene,” Gavin said, with a shrug. “She's part of it, and Geoff was always a big supporter, so they went to these events and stuff. She saw fit to drag me there. I didn't care, really, I figured gay people are fine. But the guys there, they started hitting on me.” He squirmed a little in his chair, sitting up straighter. “I never even considered dudes, I knew I liked women and I left it alone. They weren't repulsive, though, and people in America are so _bold_ \--” He stopped himself, taking another moment.

“You were more interested than you thought.” Ryan said it quietly, as they approached Geoff's street.

Gavin nodded. “I didn't expect it, and then I was talking to some people, and I started to get pegged as, what is it, a twink?” He breathed out hard through his nose. “I spent forever trying to figure m'self out and then people stereotyped me. I decided it wasn't worth it and tried to put it to rest.” Gavin stopped and looked up, eyeing the house in front of them. Ryan had parked and turned the car off, but didn't make a move to get out or urge him away, so Gavin settled again.

“But you still slept with men?” Ryan asked, looking at him now that he didn't have to drive.

“I was _curious_ ,” Gavin said, going stiff. “I didn't know shit about navigating the scene but Griffon tried to help, and-- it was good, I thought. Those guys, they never expected anything. They were happy to leave and never see me again. I got to explore what I wanted and no one had to see me holding hands with someone.”

Ryan inhaled sharply when Gavin looked at him, eyes wide and soft. “I couldn't bear it if I brought a bad name on the company,” he whispered. “If I got made fun of _in_ the queer scene, I couldn't imagine what our fans would say. I didn't want anyone looking at me differently.”

“Oh, Gavin.” Ryan shook his head, disappointed that Gavin had to feel like hiding a part of himself, not able to explore without worrying about the consequences. “So,” he said, slowly, meeting Gavin's eyes, “you were afraid to date anyone?”

“It was so much pressure,” he said, nodding. “To find the right person, to not screw it up, to put on a good image so no one blamed the flaws on being gay. I didn't want it, so I just said I would only date girls. I only managed those two times anyway, and I kinda gave up.”

“You flirted with me, though.” Ryan smiled a little, leaning closer. “You were pretty flustered.”

Gavin blushed and ducked his head. “You weren't some stranger in a bar. You're my friend.”

Considering him a moment, Ryan moved back into his seat, and glanced at the house. He caught Geoff's face in the window, watching them, shaking his head as he vanished behind the curtain. He expected that much, sitting idly in the drive for so long. Hopefully Geoff would have the tact not to ask Gavin about it directly. “If you don't want to be public,” he said, turning back, “then we don't have to be. And I promise I won't put any silly expectations on you. That'd be pretty shitty, to be honest. There would be no pressure to meet some weird gay standard, or whatever. If you were interested,” Ryan said, reaching a hand out and holding it open, palm up, for Gavin. “I'd still very much like to date you. We could do everything on your terms, the way you want. I'm the one with experience here and I don't mind going slow, if that's what you need.”

Gavin looked at his hand, and his face. “They'd find out eventually,” he said, slumping in his seat. “I can't imagine how pissed people would be if we showed it on camera or something. I don't want to give anyone a reason to fire me, Ryan.”

Ryan took his hand back, resting it on his thigh and rubbing it across his jeans to work away the expectation he'd had that Gavin might take the offered contact. “The company would stand behind you, you know. It wouldn't be ruining our reputation or anything.”

Gavin shot him a glare. “You haven't been here as long as I have.”

“Hey,” he said, shooting Gavin down with a look of his own. “Don't get defensive, I'm trying to be understanding. Look.” He brought a leg up and moved to sit sideways in the seat. “I've always been open about myself,” he said. “You're right, though, I haven't been in productions nearly as long as you. No one's really questioned my love life. Maybe there would be some backlash if people found out I was gay, I don't really know. I get that you're scared, it's a shitty situation to be a celebrity of sorts and figuring out who you are.

“But, you know, when I first started here, I was scared, too. Not about _this_ necessarily, but I didn't like showing my face a lot. I worked on RvB and almost never volunteered for videos until Geoff dragged me back to Achievement Hunter where I was originally hired. He sensed how nervous I was and told me to get over it as fast as I could. I worked hard to get used to being in front of people all the time. So I guess what I'm saying is, I know what it's like to worry about how you're seen.”

Gavin loosened where he sat, making soft noises of agreement.

“But,” Ryan continued, “I don't think you should worry so much. Rooster Teeth will defend you if you need it. Geoff and Griffon obviously have your back, and we're all friends. Like you said, I'm not some guy in a bar. I care about you. If things don't work out between us, I'll still be here. We can take it slow and learn from each other, I promise.”

Gavin took a deep breath, peeking at Ryan. “Thanks,” he said, shrugging, “but I dunno. It still feels wrong, I-- I have to think about this. I tried so hard to forget, and it's-- weird, to think maybe it wouldn't be an awful idea. Let me sleep on it?”

Ryan nodded quickly. “Yeah, sure, no problem.” He glanced at the house again. “I suppose you want to get out. I'm glad you talked to me, though.” Smiling, he reached out and gently pat Gavin on the knee, fast to draw his hand back before the contact turned unwelcome. “It's really comforting, to know some of the reasons behind all of this. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Gavin said, although his voice shook slightly and it was obviously a problem. Ryan had no plans to tell anyone, and he hoped that justified the long discussion. It did feel better, at least for him, to know what had happened. If Gavin was afraid of the company image and how people might treat him knowing he wasn't heterosexual, well, that wasn't the world's biggest hurdle, but Ryan could treat it like it was if it helped Gavin. He hadn't lied about wanting to be friends above all else.

“Let me walk you to the door.” Ryan unbuckled his seatbelt and got out, waiting for Gavin to follow. The driveway was short and he looked a bit ridiculous, walking Gavin thirty feet, but it settled the weight in Ryan's chest to see Gavin not trapped in his car and not completely freaking out. Part of him wanted to celebrate that they'd solved it, that he knew why Gavin was so afraid and they could work through it together because Gavin certainly wasn't the first person to question their sexuality and have difficulties with it.

He held himself back, doing his best not to stare at Gavin as they reached the porch. Pushing the poor lad too far would overwhelm him, and then they'd be at square one. Just because they had the issue verbalized didn't mean they were any closer to making it better, and in the end, it wasn't really Ryan's business if Gavin decided it wasn't. He could sleep on it and Ryan could be patient. There wasn't anything pushing them at each other any sooner than they both were ready for it. Ryan stopped and patted his leg with one hand, scratching his neck with the other. “Thanks again,” he said. “I didn't mean to force you to talk.”

“No, no.” Gavin refused to look at him, but his voice was sincere. “I think I needed it.”

Looking at Gavin again, in the low light of the porch, the way he smiled tentatively, sent his heart beating faster, and Ryan returned the smile, glad to see some genuine affection. Having Gavin ignore him every day and run away and scream, all of it hurt much more than he cared to admit, and staying away from Gavin to help him heal went against every instinct he had. If he liked someone, he got close to them, no questions asked, and it was the entire reason they got together in the first place. Curbing the temptation to push Gavin forward made him want to grind his teeth.

Now, staring at each other and shifting awkwardly, that tiny smile overtook him, and he couldn't resist leaning in. He was such a terrible liar; every time he told himself he would let Gavin have space, he did the exact opposite. He'd kissed him on their first night out even though he didn't want to pressure him, and he kissed him now, even though he said he would let Gavin sleep on it, because he looked perfect and Ryan needed a little extra perfection in his life.

It was chaste, a kiss on the cheek. He meant to pull back quickly. Gavin had other ideas, though. After he felt the kiss and gasped, and Ryan lingered to smell the scent coming off his skin and his clothes that he hadn't been near in so long, Gavin turned to catch Ryan's lips. That too was chaste, lasting only a few seconds, but the brief contact and the fact that Gavin initiated it had Ryan giggling as a reflex, touching a finger to his lips. “Sorry,” he said, stepping away. “I didn't mean to do that.”

Gavin shook his head, and grinned suddenly. “I didn't either. Sometimes I need a swift kick in the arse to remind me when I forget things, though. Your kisses are nice.”

They stood another moment, basking in the tiny affection, until Ryan moved off the porch and looked up at him. “Well, I should get home.”

“Right.” Gavin cleared his throat, blushing lightly now. “Thanks again for the talk, it was good. I'm still worried, I think. But you're right, I was being stupid.”

“No, you weren't,” Ryan assured him. “Everybody gets scared. I'm glad you talked to me. I really should go, though, before Geoff comes out and guts me.”

Gavin glanced automatically at the window, jumping as he caught sight of the curtains jostling. He groaned and blushed deeper, hiding his face in his hands. “He's a _jerk_.”

“It's his job as our boss,” Ryan said, and laughed. “Goodnight, Gavin.”

Peeking out from between his fingers, Gavin huffed out a tiny chuckle. “Night, Rye bread.”

When Gavin was safely inside the house, Ryan got back in his car and pulled out, taking the shortest route home to make up for the delay. He had to learn some self control at some point, because kissing Gavin on his porch was definitely not what he meant to do, regardless of the reciprocation, and he could only hope it didn't affect Gavin's decisions. If they were going to keep seeing each other, Ryan didn't want it to be for the physicality of it, the way they got drunk off their contact and swept each other into the clouds. It was nice, but it was a shitty basis for a relationship.

He sighed, glancing in his rear view as he turned off Geoff's street. He'd had too many romances based on sex to want the same thing again, and the way he and Gavin got along as friends was a huge reason why he asked him out in the first place. If this worked, they both had to be secure in themselves and not rush it for the wrong reasons. He thumped the steering wheel with his hands, humming to himself as he thought about how many times he'd gone down that path and how often it turned to an utter clusterfuck for everyone involved.

 

* * *

Walking in to find Gavin at his desk the next morning caught Ryan off guard, stopping in the doorway to the warehouse, the phone is his hand opened to the weather app. He slipped it in his pocket at the sight of Gavin leaning on the edge of his desk, almost knocking the monitor off. “Hi,” he said, walking up and kicking his chair away from his desk. He didn't sit, though, turning to Gavin. Lindsay wasn't in yet and everyone else in the room was focused on their own work, although he could swear he saw Miles in the corner peeking at them. The news of fights between them had spread easily in the tiny office, and curiosity soaked every new interaction they had lately. Ryan did his best to ignore the looks and meet Gavin's eyes.

Gavin glanced quickly where Ryan was looking, rolling his eyes a little at the people who flinched and turned away. That wouldn't help his issues with being treated differently, but Gavin didn't seem bothered, so Ryan held his tongue.

“Hello.” Gavin smiled tentatively. “How are you?”

“Okay,” he said, putting one hand on the desk. “I'm more concerned about how you are, after all that talking.”

Gavin blushed a little, shrugging. “I'm all right. I, uh, I have a question for you, actually.”

“Oh?” Ryan quirked an eyebrow.

Tapping his feet on the floor, Gavin took a deep breath, and said, “You said we could be private, right? And we don't have to go out in public if we don't want?”

The heads peeking in on their conversation grew, and Ryan tossed a general glare around the room to keep their stares away. Assured there was at least an illusion of privacy, he said, “Yes, of course, if that's what you want.” He tried to keep the hope out of his voice, with little success.

Gavin brushed his hair back with one hand. He bit one lip, considering something. “Then, would you mind if we went on another date? But not in a big restaurant or anything?”

Ryan did his best not to beam at Gavin and yell his enthusiasm, breath hitching in a tiny gasp. He maintained composure, straightening his stance, and asked, “What were you thinking?”

“Well, you mentioned cooking for me once. I was, um.” Gavin patted his hands on the edge of the table. “I was hoping you could do that. If you don't mind, that is. I thought it might be good, to have dinner privately and keep talking about stuff.” Gavin fidgeted, looking at him.

Ryan smiled gently, curbing the thrill that ran through him. No need to cause a commotion. He did step closer to Gavin and put a hand gently on his arm, a barely there touch. “That sounds fantastic,” he said, rubbing his thumb just below the edge of Gavin's sleeve. It sent a shiver through him, and Gavin shifted into the touch. “When were you thinking?” Ryan asked, before he forgot entirely as Gavin brought a hand up to brush his fingers over Ryan's.

“This weekend?” he asked, voice suddenly an octave higher.

He laughed, and nodded. “How about tomorrow? I can shop for food tonight and make us something nice. Maybe it'll even rival Geoff's cooking.”

Gavin snorted, breaking the sudden spell between them and dropping his hand. Ryan did the same, letting the space empty of contact. “You'd have to make something pretty amazing for me to give over Geoff's title,” Gavin continued, sticking out his tongue.

Ryan grinned. “Then I'll make the best dinner I've ever prepared. What do you want?”

Apparently Gavin had not thought that far ahead, and he paused a moment. “Surprise me,” he settled on weakly, finally shoving off Ryan's desk. “Do you want me to come over or . . .?”

“Have Geoff drive you,” Ryan said. He was not ready for another long car ride, just yet. At least with dinner they could eat between the silence. Ryan thought he owed some information after the giant spill Gavin gave up yesterday, and he'd like it if Gavin didn't stare blankly at him while he talked. “I'll need all the time I can get to make a masterpiece,” he added, as an excuse.

Gavin nodded. “I might catch a cab instead, I think Geoff's pretty tired of the whole mess with us.”

True enough, if the way Geoff had shoved Ryan and Gavin back at each other was any indication. “Okay. Seven?”

“Sure.” Gavin stuck his hands in his pockets. “I should get to work, there's a lot of stuff to edit today. Fans will complain if I don't have Minecraft up in time.”

“Ah, yes, the Let's Plays that leave our jobs hanging in the balance.” Ryan chuckled and gestured to the door, shooing Gavin away. “Go, work. I'll see you later. Ask me anything if you have stuff to work out about tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see ya.” Gavin turned to walk away.

He couldn't resist. “Hey, Gav?”

When he turned again, Ryan snatched his wrist and tugged him close, hugging him briefly and letting go with a soft smile. “I'm glad you gave this another chance.”

Gavin blushed again, teeth barely peeking out from between his lips with the grin he flashed, before pulling away and waving. He hurried out of the room, accompanied by a few giggles from the people at their desks, but another warning glare from Ryan, that might have been harsher than he intended, shut them up.

Settling back in his desk and putting his glasses on, Ryan found it rather difficult to focus on his work. His mind refused to stop wandering to the list of everything he would have to do, in order to be ready for tomorrow. He could shop tonight for ingredients, pull out one of those fancy recipes from his old cookbook that took hours to make, definitely something with meat in it, and he would have to clean in between preparing the food--

Ryan took a deep breath to stop himself, realizing as he did that he'd been stuck on the same two minutes of footage for a while. He shook his head and leaned over the desk, just as Lindsay sauntered in the room to take her position next to him. Michael walked in with her, pausing next to him. He didn't say anything, but when Ryan looked up he was staring, only long enough to narrow his eyes before he turned and left.

Beside him, Lindsay said, “Michael and Gav are close. He's kinda ticked with you right now.”

He slipped the glasses off and looked at Lindsay, bouncing in his seat as he spun it back and forth. “Michael shouldn't have to worry much longer. Gavin and I made up. Actually.” Ryan couldn't resist smiling a little. “We have another date for tomorrow.”

Lindsay stared for a moment, and laughed, shaking her head. “Seriously? Thank God, I thought Gavin might implode if this kept on. He was so upset, he actually managed to beat Michael in a Halo match. What the hell happened, anyway?”

“I'm not allowed to tell,” Ryan said immediately, ignoring the little disappointed look she gave him. “It's personal,” he added, quieter.

Understanding dawned on her, and she nodded, picking up a pair of headphones and turning to her work. “Okay, then. Congrats on making up.”

“Thanks.” Ryan looked at his screen, sighing at the prospect of spending the day doing actual work. He would rather visit Gavin again and revel in the fact that he'd accepted his feelings despite his insecurities, that he thought Ryan worth the risk of changing the way other people saw him. No one would, he knew, because their company didn't hire people who based their approval on something so arbitrary, but it meant a lot either way. Ryan tapped his mouse aimlessly with his chin resting in a hand, eyes trailing to the door across from his seat and wondering how soon after sitting down it would stop being suspicious for him to get up for a snack break.

No, he wasn't going to be getting any work done today.

 

* * *

He managed to resist the urge to plant his affections on Gavin now that he'd been given acceptance and approval once more, because that would freak him out and drive him back, which Ryan refused to let happen after all the drama. Instead he focused on work and managed to get a respectable amount finished before he was dragged in by Geoff for a couple recordings. Before they went in the office, he stopped Ryan in the hall and quietly thanked him. “Gavin's better already,” he said, sighing with relief. “Last night he played games with us and didn't get surly and shit like he's been doing. What'd you say to him?”

Ryan shrugged, taking the same route he had with Lindsay. “It's a private thing, Geoff, between us. Gavin can tell you if he likes.”

Geoff took that answer for what it was, and didn't bring it up again as they went to the AH headquarters and Ryan set up his station. Gavin glanced at him a couple times, spinning in his chair with his toes and asking if he needed help. Ryan waved him off, but the mild banter sparked a comment from Michael about how they were finally acting civil, and not in the fake bullshit way they had for their recordings before. Other than that, though, no one mentioned the sudden change of atmosphere, and it was much easier to get their videos done when Gavin wasn't flinching at everything Ryan said and Ryan didn't have to worry whether he'd crossed some unknown line.

The day came and went and Ryan went home with a call goodbye to the room and an affectionate look at Gavin. He forced himself not to linger and take his car home, pulling out the cookbook from a cupboard to plan tomorrow's meal before he took the car out again to go shopping. His fridge was half empty and he'd have to shop soon anyway, so he might as well get it done.

He decided on chicken, which would be easy enough to make but would look nice if he put in a lot of effort. He complimented his purchase of several chicken breasts with vegetables and potatoes as side dishes, along with some expensive beer. Maybe wine would have been better, but Ryan wasn't much of a wine guy, and he had a feeling Gavin wasn't either. If he made it too fancy it might put more pressure on Gavin, anyway, so he settled on his dinner, separating the ingredients from the rest of his food in the bags the cashier gave to him for simplified organization later.

At home, Ryan checked his phone, mildly surprised to find a text from Gavin.

_Should I dress posh for tomorrow?_

Smirking, he texted him back, setting the phone on the counter while he filled his fridge. It buzzed a few minutes later, and he read the answer with a light laugh. In response to Ryan asking what Gavin thought posh meant, he'd sent back a picture of clothes laid out on a bed that didn't look at all like Gavin's because it was too neat and the bedspread had applique flowers. He guessed it was Griffon's. It wouldn't be shocking if Gavin had decided to raid their closet. On the bed was a button down shirt, dress pants, and a tie, with a hand giving a thumbs up on the side of the picture.

 _No_ , Ryan wrote back, _too fancy. Take out the tie and substitute slacks._

He had time to finish putting away his food and slip instant soup into the microwave before he got another reply, this time with a picture modified to his specifications. Ryan sent an affirmative and waited as his soup cooked, but no other message came. Walking to the living room to watch TV while he ate, he put the phone on the couch beside him, hoping to hear it buzz again. But there was nothing over the next hour, and Ryan did his best to brush off the disappointment. As good as it was to patch things up between them, they might not be back to normal yet. Hopefully a night alone together and another discussion would help that. Unlike people he'd dated in his past, Ryan prided himself on being friends with Gavin. If he lost that, he wasn't sure what he would do.

 

* * *

The mercy of choosing a chicken dish for dinner was that cooking it wouldn't take all day. Ryan chose roasted chicken with lemon herbs, making it with chicken breast rather than a whole chicken given they were only eating for two. Around five, he took the chicken out to defrost and started cutting the vegetables to be boiled, slicing the bottom off broccoli stalks and peeling the potatoes. By six the oven was warm and the chicken ready. Ryan put the herbs on it for flavor and set his kitchen timer to check them in fifteen minutes. He dropped the vegetables in the water pot and stood back, making sure nothing immediately burned, before going to the bathroom to get ready.

They agreed on seven, but he cushioned his preparation. While the food cooked, Ryan took a quick shower and combed his hair. He didn't dare get dressed while there was still food to handle. He did lay his clothes out, though, and set the table after checking the chicken. The dining room had only a single table with four chairs, nothing to brag about in his small home. It would serve their purposes well enough, and Ryan put cloth napkins and his good plates out. He had the beer in a cooler in the kitchen and brought out water and juice in case Gavin had decided to stay sober. Ryan wouldn't blame him.

It was near seven when he finally had the food ready and on serving plates, and he barely had time to dress and look over himself in the bathroom mirror when the doorbell rang. Ryan's heart jumped to his throat, and he took a moment to calm down before going to the front door. The peephole showed it was indeed Gavin waiting for him, dressed in the clothes he showed Ryan last night. He hesitated, and opened the door.

Gavin started, as though he hadn't been expecting Ryan to answer. “Hi,” he said, blushing. “Sorry, I, uh.”

“You're fine.” Being bold, Ryan dipped in to peck Gavin's cheek. “Did you take a cab?”

“No, actually.” Gavin unconsciously touched the spot Ryan had kissed, and glanced back at his driveway. “Geoff insisted. I think you're right, he's just glad all the drama is over for the moment.”

Ryan caught the modifier at the end. He refused to let it bother him, smiling and standing back from the door. “Well, come on. Dinner is just about ready.”

“Did it take you all day to cook?” Gavin asked, as he walked past Ryan and slipped his shoes off, knocking them in the corner by the coat rack.

Ryan led him to the dining room, pulling a seat back for him as he said, “No, I picked out something simpler, but don't underestimate me.” With Gavin seated, he took the covers off the serving plates, letting the smell of roasted chicken and steamed vegetables fill the room. The potatoes were boiled and scalloped with butter, the herbs had settled well into the chicken breasts, and he'd made sure not to steam the vegetables too long and ensure the right amount of moisture. He couldn't remember the last time he put so much effort into cooking that wasn't for a family event. “I think you'll like it,” he said, taking the chair across from Gavin. “Let's dig in, shall we?”

Gavin's mouth practically watered at the sight of the food, and Ryan chuckled, passing him a piece of chicken before he served himself, letting Gavin take his own portions of vegetables and potatoes. He left a moment to fetch the beer, and Gavin took it happily, pacing himself through the meal. With food as a distraction, they settled easily into casual conversation about work and their day, as they had the first few times they went out. The advantage of working in a different space most of the time was Ryan could talk about what he did without Gavin already knowing, and Gavin could tell him exactly how many times Michael tried to tackle him before lunch.

After his first bite, Gavin hummed appreciatively, savoring the meat. “It's good,” he said with his mouth half full, quick to cut another bit off. “I didn't figure you for a cook, Ryan.”

“Well, when you live by yourself.” Ryan shrugged, and smirked. “Is it better than Geoff's?”

Gavin swallowed and laughed. “I wouldn't go that far, Rye bread. It's good, but it's not 'Geoffrey Ramsey slow searing meat on the grill for two hours' good.” He stuck his tongue out, and hurried to take another bite of chicken despite what he said. Ryan watched him happily, taking more time to work through his food as they talked.

It spun out soon, though, and conversation turned to more personal affairs. Finished with the chicken for now and spearing his potatoes on his fork, Gavin elaborated on his previous comment by asking, “So how'd you learn to cook? Did you grow up doing it or something?”

Ryan went stiff, and set down his utensils. He blushed lightly as he remembered the summer three years ago when an old fling had scolded him on ordering food or eating packaged junk, habits he developed in college and never broke. “Ah, an old boyfriend, actually. He was appalled with my eating habits.”

Gavin flushed in kind and looked down at his plate. “Oh.”

“Sorry,” he said, though it wasn't anything to apologize for. “I didn't mean to make it awkward.”

“No, I asked.” Gavin picked up a piece of broccoli and munched on it thoughtfully. When he swallowed, he said, “You don't have to worry about mentioning that stuff. I'm not used to it, but that doesn't mean I'm afraid of it or anything.”

Ryan nodded, humming his affirmation. They settled into eating for a few minutes, letting the air clear. He should have said he took a class or something. Lying to Gavin, however, wasn't a solution, and it would be better in the long run to be honest. Still, Ryan looked up and met his eyes, turning away quickly. Fuck, he thought he could handle this.

“Can we stop this?”

He looked up again, and Gavin was meeting his gaze head on. “Can we stop?” he asked again. “Being all awkward and stuff, I really hate it.” Gavin bit his lip. “I'll admit, I was . . . freaked out, at first. Dating guys is new for me and I reacted badly. I thought we'd cleared the air, and we're still walking on eggshells. It's bloody ridiculous, if you ask me.”

Ryan nodded, shifting in his chair. “I want you to be comfortable, Gavin. I wasn't sure what was right to say or not.”

“Stop worrying about me.” Gavin leaned over the table, reaching an arm out to briefly tap Ryan on the shoulder, and drew back. “I was a right git about it and you set me straight. Talk about what you want.”

Breathing his relief, Ryan allowed a tiny smile, until it fell. What he wanted to talk about. He frowned, turning to stare at the table top. There was something he wanted to bring up, but there was no telling how Gavin might react. He'd forgotten it in his efforts to make Gavin feel better and find out why he'd rejected Ryan so coldly and without explanation. With the animosity mostly gone, the subject came back to the front of his mind.

“Something wrong?” Gavin asked, tilting his head.

“No,” Ryan said, and sighed. “Well, sort of. Hang on, let me clear the plate first and we can talk about it over desert.” Quickly, he stood and took his own plate, holding his hand out for Gavin's. “I bought a couple kinds of ice cream,” he said, as he stacked the plates and walked through the doorway to the kitchen. Gavin followed, taking the large plate with the chicken and the bowl of vegetables, setting them on the kitchen counter for him.

“I have chocolate and vanilla,” Ryan said as he scraped the crumbs off the plates and put them in the dishwasher. “Or there's some mint left over, too, if neither of those work. I didn't buy them until I was ready to check out, I thought--”

He was cut off mid sentence by a harsh grab to his arm. Ryan stood from where he was bent in front of the washer and was met with Gavin's lips, kissing him hard, his other hand resting on Ryan's hip as the first squeezed his bicep tighter. Ryan drew in a breath, and relaxed, meeting the push and slide until Gavin drew back. His face had flushed, and Ryan's own felt hot from the unexpectedness. “You were babbling,” Gavin said breathlessly, as Ryan stared. His lips quirked up. “Just pick some bloody ice cream to eat and tell me whatever was bothering you, yeah? I'm gonna use the bathroom.”

It took an embarrassingly long moment for Ryan's head to clear, and he nodded. “Sure. Down the hall on the left,” he said, pointing Gavin in the right direction. “I'll get us dessert.”

Gavin turned and went down the hall, vanishing from sight. Ryan took the chance to touch his lips lightly and smile. It was one thing for Gavin to let him initiate, to go along with the little kisses and touches he'd been getting away with since they made up. For him to ask for dinner and then kiss him out of the blue was a very good sign, and it made his heart beat faster. It was _working_. They were salvageable.

Pleased, Ryan hummed a quiet tune as he got out the bowls and gave them each a scoop of vanilla and chocolate, sure that Gavin didn't care a lick what flavor he got but determined to please him anyway.

He was putting the tubs of ice cream back in the freezer when he heard Gavin scream.

It wasn't shrieking or otherwise terror-induced, but rather shocked, and loud enough to reach from the bathroom to the kitchen. Ryan let it process for a fraction of a second before he ran out of the kitchen, down the hall to find Gavin and bash whatever had scared him so much. The lad was vocal, sure, but it must have been something big to prompt that much of a yell.

The bathroom had been shut and Gavin was against the wall, panting. He darted a glance at Ryan, and blushed furiously, red tinting him from his cheeks down his neck. “S-Sorry,” he stuttered, messily pushing away from the wall and straightening himself with quick hands brushing down his shirt and fluffing his hair.

“What the fuck happened?” Ryan glared at the bathroom door, eyes narrowed. “Why did you scream so loud?”

“Ah.” Gavin swallowed. “Nothing, just scared myself I guess. The-- the lights went out suddenly, that's all.”

That was a lie if Ryan ever heard one, from the way Gavin's voice shook and he kept glancing at the bathroom door, looking back at him with wide eyes. Ryan hummed with his disbelief and grabbed the handle. Gavin went stiff and opened his mouth, but when Ryan looked back, he had nothing to say.

He opened the door to find the bathroom as brightly lit as it always was with the light on, the fan in the ceiling quietly whirring and the shitty bulbs buzzing as electricity pulsed in them. He turned back to raise an eyebrow at Gavin, and reached for the light switch, flicking it up and down. The lights obeyed perfectly, going off and on again with the switch. “Seems fine,” he said, and was about to leave, when he spotted something from the corner of his eye.

One of the drawers beneath the counter was open. The bottom right drawer, next to the sink cupboard, the drawer that he used for--

Oh god.

A quick peek inside it showed what Ryan feared, and he groaned as he kicked it shut and slammed the bathroom door, escaping as fast as Gavin must have a minute prior. He slapped a hand over his face, groaning again and sliding down the wall to crouch on the floor. Blazing heat lit under his skin, and he guessed he'd gone as red faced as Gavin. “Wow, I-- I'm sorry,” he said, running his hand up his face to clutch at his hair. “I did not intend for you to see that.”

“I was looking for a comb,” Gavin said feebly, leaning on the wall across from him, hands flat on it and fingers drumming. “I thought my hair had gone out of place, but there wasn't one on the counter and I opened some of the drawers . . .”

“Left side,” Ryan mumbled pathetically, working hard not to whisper and listen to his desire to stay quiet and hope nothing worse than what they'd already dealt with left his mouth. “I keep all my toiletries in the drawers on the left. The two on the right are, well. Not for company to see.”

Gavin blushed brighter, if that was possible. “Why would you keep that in there? Not the bedroom or the closet or something?”

Ryan looked up, meeting his eyes for a half second and darting away at the accuracy of his question. Of all the things for Gavin to happen upon in the bathroom, he opened the drawer Ryan kept some of his sex toys in. There were several reasons they shouldn't be in the bathroom, the number one being the case Gavin just proved, but he almost never had company over. He was a bachelor, and almost no one came to his house. Outside of certain types of company, of course, which was why he'd packed a few things in the bathroom in the first place.

Still. His head drooped, and he sighed. “I cleaned house, too,” he said, speaking more to himself than to Gavin. “I organized everything and it didn't even occur to me to hide that shit. I'm sorry, Gav.”

“It's--” Gavin stopped, licking his lips. “It's okay, I mean. Not like I've never seen one before. I just, uh, got caught off guard, I guess. I thought you were all for the guys.”

That snagged Ryan's attention, and he let his hands drop from clutching the sides of his face to raise an eyebrow, possibly unwarranted given he was the one on the floor wallowing in his lack of foresight. He looked at Gavin incredulously. “What does having vibrators in my bathroom have to do with whether I like men or not?” he asked, pointedly ignoring the way Gavin flinched when he said 'vibrator.' One would think he was raised in a tiny Christian town with that reaction. But then, he wouldn't doubt Gavin had little or no experience with anything outside vanilla interactions.

“Well,” Gavin sputtered, scratching a hand up and down his neck. “That's a girl's thing, innit? Using vibrators? Dudes don't need that stuff.”

Ryan frowned, and stood slowly. “Firstly,” he said, leveling Gavin with a look that trapped his gaze, “you're assuming gender equals physiology. Second, just because someone has a dick doesn't mean they can't enjoy sex toys.” He paused, and tilted his head. “Have you never met a guy who has vibrators?”

“No!” Gavin said, with such certainty that Ryan narrowed his eyes and Gavin tensed again at the look. “No,” he said, softer. “Not unless they had a girl to use them with. I've been living with Geoff long enough to have heard a few things through the walls, ugh.” He briefly made a face.

Ryan shook his head, breathing out hard through his nose. This was not the discussion he'd planned at all. Not for a while, at least, provided everything with Gavin went well. Sure, he might have pictured how their relationship might progress, after he seduced him into a couple dates and brought him home with the mistaken thought that Gavin was as up for something serious as he was. Ryan _may_ have thought about going through the sexual motions until he could introduce Gavin to his kinks, the ones he'd found as a teenager and in his twenties as he navigated being gay during his moves through the south to land in the politically intolerant Texas.

He did not, however, plan to talk about it after they'd barely made up. Scaring the hell out of Gavin with sex toys stashed in the cupboards for convenience's sake was not what he wanted, so he waved to him without saying anything, and walked down the hall. He could hear Gavin following, but didn't turn around until they were back in the kitchen, where the bowls of ice cream had melted slightly. Ryan collected the spoons and handed Gavin a bowl before leading them to the living room. It would be more comfortable than the kitchen, and he had plenty of decorations for Gavin to look at if he decided looking at Ryan made him a bit too uncomfortable.

He settled on his armchair, with Gavin on the couch, both in front of the coffee table to put their bowls down if they wanted. Gavin picked at the ice cream for a minute, spooning a couple bites but ultimately too buzzed on recent revelations to eat properly. Ryan let him stew as he shoveled down the chocolate scoop before wiping his mouth and setting the bowl down. The vanilla he'd given himself dripped in the warmth of the room. Ryan couldn't find it in himself to care, tucking one leg under his body and facing Gavin. “We need to talk.”

Gavin almost choked on the mouthful of vanilla, patting his chest as he swallowed. “About the vib--”

Ryan stopped him with a hand in the air. “No, not that. It's about me.” He laid his hands in his lap, crossing the fingers together to ground himself, thumbs twiddling. “You told me about yourself,” he said, slowly, watching Gavin's face for signs of discomfort. “I appreciate that, immensely. It cleared up a lot of stuff, and I'm glad we could get together again without too many issues.”

Gavin shifted on the couch, turning away and back.

“You don't know much about me, though,” Ryan continued, steeling himself. “You should know some things, before we get into this again.”

He saw the tiny glance back, toward the hall and the bathroom and dammit, he really hadn't meant for Gavin to find out about any of that stuff yet, for exactly these reasons. Now all of his focus was on it and probably wondering how kinky Ryan was and if he should be frightened and back out while he still had the chance. “It's nothing about sex,” he said, to quell the fears, and Gavin blushed again at being caught out. Ryan frowned, and sighed, because Gavin was still darting glances and odds were he wouldn't drop it until he at least addressed the topic. “Maybe it's a little about sex,” he admitted, “but not like that, not yet. I don't exactly have the dating experience I talked about before, when I was trying to reassure you.”

At that Gavin quirked a brow, almost a mimicry of Ryan's common expression, and it startled a laugh out of him. Gavin only turned more disgruntled at the apparent mocking, leaning back a fraction. “Whoops, sorry,” Ryan said, waving a hand at him. “I didn't mean to laugh.” He composed himself, clearing his throat. “It's not funny, I know. And I do have experience dating, I mean it when I say the stuff you're worrying about won't happen. No one is going to threaten or hurt you because you're dating a guy, because I've been openly gay in Austin for a while and I'm fine.”

“Says the man a foot wider than me,” Gavin scoffed, eyeing Ryan's arms.

Ryan glanced at himself too, and rolled his eyes. “Strength doesn't have anything to do with it.”

Gavin shrugged. He was playing with his ice cream to distract himself and Ryan knew that scared baby deer look he was trying to hide. “All right,” he said, moving from his chair to sit beside Gavin, putting a hand on his knee. Gavin jumped so high he almost dropped the bowl, and hurried to put it down next to Ryan's, hands clasping together in the absence of something to fiddle with.

“You're not gonna stop thinking about it,” Ryan said, squeezing his hand, “so I'll just explain it right now. Yes, I have vibrators, and yes, I have other sex toys. No, they're not in the bathroom,” he said when Gavin looked back again. “There's a reason those are there, we're not getting into it now. There's something you should know about being gay, though.”

At that, Gavin turned back, eyes wide. Ryan shook his head. “Calm down,” he said quietly, putting his other hand on Gavin's back to reassure him. “There's no requirements for anything, I promise. But gay men tend to be a little more . . . open,” he said, settling on the best word he could find, “when it comes to sex. They're more willing to try things because they're not worried about their masculinity being damaged, for the most part. So some of us are into sex toys and things, no big deal. And you don't have to think about it at all.” He squeezed Gavin's knee again. “I didn't ask you out to be a play thing. If this stuff isn't your cup of tea, I won't make you think about it.”

Gavin swallowed, one hand resting over Ryan's. “I didn't-- it's not bad,” he tried, looking him in the eyes. “I wouldn't judge, I swear, I'm not that kind of person. It surprised me, is all.”

“I know,” Ryan whispered, leaning a little closer to bump foreheads. “I didn't want to show you any of that stuff yet.”

“Yet?” Gavin asked, voice going up a pitch.

“Or ever,” Ryan amended, “if you weren't into it. I wouldn't force you. But that's not what I wanted to talk about, really. It's a little related, though.” He sat back, putting some space between them. Gavin made as if to close it, less skittish now that Ryan had told him he wasn't destined to play with Ryan's things just because they were getting involved, but Ryan stopped him with a gentle push on his shoulder. “Let me explain,” he said, keeping Gavin at a distance. He complied with a small pout, staying a few inches away as Ryan collected his thoughts.

“I've moved around a lot,” he started, still rubbing Gavin's knee, for himself or for Gavin he couldn't be sure. “I stayed mostly in the south, but I've been all over, and I've been openly gay since I was in college. I didn't like hiding myself, and as soon as I got into theater I was so relieved that there were other guys who liked being open about their sexuality. I felt better in the environment, and it's part of why I have a theater degree. But I couldn't get a lot of work with that, or with my animation work, so I did a lot of odd jobs where I could find them.”

“You mentioned some of that,” Gavin said, smiling a little. “I called you a nerd when you said you had a degree in theater.”

Ryan laughed. “Yeah, I remember.” The first few weeks with Achievement Hunter, after Ryan finished helping in the animation department and Geoff told him he wanted Ryan in more videos, Gavin had sought any excuse he could to tease him. It was part of what attracted him, and ultimately why he decided to start flirting and ask Gavin out when the flirting was obviously reciprocated, even though he had never dated someone as close as Gavin and he knew it might hurt their friendship in the end. Gavin had a pull that Ryan hadn't felt with his previous encounters, something he wanted to pursue. And that, of course, was why he sat Gavin down now.

“So I moved a lot,” he continued, bringing his thumb up to rub Gavin's palm where it sat against his leg. The quiet motion kept his mind on track. “And I was open, and kind of lonely, and ended up at a lot of bars. It wasn't long before I started dating different men, going home with them or taking them home with me. What surprised me the most was how casual everyone was.” He glanced at Gavin, the night he'd told Ryan about his flings coming back in a rush. He tried to tread carefully as he said, “No one minded one night stands or dating for a few months without any expectations, and I got used to it. I would pick up a guy and see him for a few weeks or months, and then my job would run out or he would get bored, and we'd call it quits. Nobody got hurt and I felt good, being able to explore everything without worry about offending someone or scaring them off.”

Gavin stared at the table as he spoke, watching the slowly melting ice cream. Ryan kept his eyes on him, waiting for a look of disgust or worry, but none of it came. Gavin stayed somber and patient, and he resigned himself to finishing the speech. He took a deep breath and said, “This isn't like that. I don't want a month long fling with you, Gav. I don't want this to be two guys who agree not to care when we're done because . . . I care about you, a lot. As a friend, and also maybe a bit differently.” Gavin did look up then, eyebrows raised and lips parted. Ryan smiled and ducked close, pecking a kiss to the corner of his lips.

“This is new for me too,” he said, “because I've never really dated someone I was seriously interested in. I didn't have the time or energy for it before, but now, now I know you're funny and clever and smart and _amazing_ , and even working with you feels like a privilege. That we could ever be romantic is a wonderful addition to what we already have.”

Gavin hadn't spoken, mouth still open and darting between Ryan's face and their hands twined together. He gulped and put his other hand on Ryan's, frowning a little as he moved a couple inches closer, enough that their knees touched and Ryan could see his throat bobbing as he swallowed. “You mean that?” he asked quietly, eyes still wide and disbelieving. “You think all of that about me?”

Ryan nodded, hand tightening on Gavin's. “Of course I do. I wouldn't say it if I didn't think so. It's not-- love, or anything,” he said, tripping on the tiny lie, “but you mean a lot to me. I really want to make this a serious thing, Gav, not some one time deal. And I know that frightens you and you're worried about public image and your own identity, and that's okay. We don't have to rush into anything.” He did his best to convey all his caring in his tone, curled close to Gavin now and hushing his voice even though no one else could hear them. “We can take everything at your pace, if you're still interested.”

“Bloody hell, of course I am!” Gavin breathed heavy in the space between them, closing the gap to kiss him briefly. “I didn't-- I freaked out, before, and I didn't mean to, I just. I'm no sodding good at this, at any of it. I figured if you wanted to date somebody there were probably a million better choices.”

Ryan didn't hesitate to bring a hand up and cup Gavin's face. “No one better than you right now.”

Gavin pulled back suddenly, once more glancing toward the door and the hall with the vaguest hint of pink to his cheeks. “And--” he stuttered, “and that, uh, stuff, we don't have to think about it yet?”

“No, I wouldn't make you do that.” Ryan kissed his temple and his cheek in quick succession, and made a mental note never to let Gavin look at his closet, because then the poor boy wouldn't come back.

“It's not off the table,” Gavin muttered, as Ryan pressed another kiss to his face. “It's fucking scary, that's all. I never even thought about that stuff, Griffon never told me guys did that.”

“Slow,” Ryan said, taking his other hand from Gavin and putting them both either side of his face to tilt it and meet his eyes. “We will take this very slow, and if you're ever curious about anything regarding sex, I'm more knowledgeable, and I'll help you. But it will be slow, I promise. One step at a time, Gav.”

Gavin breathed a relieved little sigh, shifting up to kiss Ryan again, slow and lingering. Ryan couldn't begin to describe how good it felt, after all the avoidance and fights and drama, to feel Gavin kiss him earnestly and know he wasn't going to run away, to dart back behind the walls he'd built up. He had no experience teaching people how to explore their sexuality, and more often than not ended up as the one being taught, but he could take Gavin in hand and lead him gently. Ryan could show him all the best parts of being true to yourself and enjoying it fully, of not having to hide. They could take it one step at a time and if Gavin wanted it private, so be it, because Ryan understood that apprehension and above all he just wanted to be sure Gavin wasn't hiding from himself when he hid from others.

The monologue of his thoughts broke when Gavin opened his mouth, pressing his tongue roughly on Ryan's lips. Ryan gasped and took him in, tasting him the way he had their first night together, groaning at the heat of it. Before it went too far, though, he pushed Gavin lightly, lips smacking as the seal popped. He panted, taking in a few breaths, and said, “How far do you want tonight to go? Because we can keep it like this, and call it a night.”

Gavin blinked a couple times, and laughed. “Actually,” he said, licking his lips. “I was gonna drag you to the bedroom, if it's okay with you.” He ducked his head, blushing. “Part of, uh, what kept bothering me is that I couldn't stop thinking about our night together. It was pretty damn top, and it didn't really, ah, help me trying to get rid of the crush.”

Memories of the night flashed through Ryan's mind, heat spreading up the back of his neck. It hadn't been the most intense night in Ryan's book by a long shot, but it was one of the few nights he shared with someone he truly cared about. Kink play with acquaintances he barely knew couldn't compare to easing Gavin into something they both enjoyed, working him over slowly and mapping out his fragile boundaries to be sure they got the most of the experience. And, honestly, the chance to control what they did worked better for Ryan than a lot of the things his flings had made him try. He liked directing the course of the evening himself.

In response to Gavin, he smiled and shrugged. “That was kinda tame,” he admitted, “but I liked it a lot, too. We can do something similar, if you like.” What he really wanted was to fuck Gavin until he couldn't walk, but he shoved the niggling thought away. Comfort and safety, he reminded himself.

“Maybe,” Gavin said, tongue darting out to lick his lips again. Ryan watched with more interest than he should have, jumping when Gavin glanced up and caught him. “One condition, though,” Gavin continued, bringing a leg up to the couch so he was on hands and knees, crawling carefully to Ryan in what he supposed was meant to look like some form of predator, but with Gavin ended up gangly and awkward as he slid both hands to rest on either side of Ryan's waist. It spoke volumes when it sent blood rushing south anyway, and Ryan breathed heavy as Gavin got in his space and pecked his lips. “You promised me glasses,” he said, flicking his tongue out before drawing back, one eyebrow raised.

“Glasses?” Ryan frowned, brow furrowed. “Uh . . .”

Gavin giggled, and sat down properly. “Remember? That first night? I asked if you could keep 'em on because I like how you look in them, but you said maybe next time.”

Something clicked in Ryan's mind, and he grinned mischievously. “Oh, right, I look _mature_ in my glasses.”

Gavin blushed again and sputtered, shaking his head. “You look handsome!” he said, defensive and drawing back. But his body language was still open and the offense was highly faked, so Ryan didn't feel bad about tugging his wrist and pulling Gavin in for another kiss, lingering and gentle. Gavin made a disgruntled noise, returning it all the same with a mouth all too eager to open up for him.

“I can wear them,” Ryan said, moving down to kiss at Gavin's jaw, licking and occasionally nipping the tan skin. “They're on my bedside table, though. I'd have to go get them.” He sat up to look Gavin in the eyes, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Gavin smiled and brought both hands up, kissing him hard even as he shuffled off the couch and dragged Ryan up with him, pausing to wrap his arms around Ryan's waist.

“Are you gonna carry me again?” he whispered against him.

“Nope,” Ryan sang, pulling out of his hold and taking Gavin by the hand. He ignored the disappointed whine as he led him through the hall, walking a little faster past the bathroom door, until they reached his bedroom. Dropping Gavin's hand, he pushed it open and turned around, planting more feverish kisses down his neck. “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked again, wary of another morning with Gavin panicking and running off, followed by more weeks of drama. Ryan wasn't sure his heart could take it.

“Yes,” Gavin said breathlessly, burying his nose in Ryan's temple as Ryan worked his neck, sighing contentedly and rising on his toes as he let his head hang back. Ryan took the invitation, nudging them through the door as he did so. He kicked it closed and checked through his peripheral that the closet was, indeed, closed as he had left it. Assured there wouldn't be any further corruption of Gavin's innocence tonight, he dumped him carefully on the bed and turned the lamp on, snatching his glasses from their case beside it. He checked them for smudges before donning the pair, smirking at Gavin when they were in place. “Better,” he admitted, Gavin's visage now crystal clear through the lenses. His vision wasn't awful; he could survive on a day to day basis without them, but detail work like editing videos was better done with them, and although Gavin looked plenty good with his impaired sight, the glasses were a definite improvement.

Gavin giggled, shifting on the bed. “I was right,” he muttered, scooting up as Ryan moved to sit on his knees with him, legs either side of Gavin and hands grasping his. “You're distinguished,” Gavin joked, as Ryan brought his fingers up and kissed them lightly, before setting them on the bed and crawling until his was hovering over Gavin, the latter sprawled underneath him with thin legs curling, knees brought up to bump into Ryan's thighs.

“Is this okay?” Ryan was quick to ask, as he adjusted his glasses. In this position they slid down his nose, but only an inch, and it was worth the minor annoyance to see the flush in Gavin's cheeks and the incremental nod he gave, as he leaned up and gave him a tiny smooch.

“I like it,” he said, grinning. “Besides, you don't have to check on me so much. I won't bolt out the door at this point.” Gavin gestured with his hands to the bed supporting their bodies, and wriggled a little for emphasis. “I'm already in bed with you.”

Ryan frowned and returned the tiny kiss, peppering Gavin's jaw and drawing back. “I want to make sure you don't bolt in the morning,” he said, one hand coming to rest in Gavin's and tangle their fingers together. “That first night together was utterly fantastic, until you panicked and refused to speak to me.” He meant to half joke, but saying it aloud, the hurt and confusion came back to him, and he puffed out a tiny sigh.

Gavin saw it and curled into himself, guilt and worry marring his face. “I'm sorry,” he said, voice quiet. “I didn't mean to hurt you.”

“Hey.” Ryan snuck a hand under his chin and made Gavin look at him, kissing him again. “I understand it,” he said, putting their foreheads together briefly. “Let's focus on enjoying this. And I _will_ keep asking if you're comfortable. This is for both of us.”

Gavin huffed, but resigned to Ryan's wishes, reaching up to push his glasses back from where they'd slipped. He laughed at the crossed eyes Ryan got as he watched Gavin's hand, caught off guard when Ryan quickly dove in for another kiss. Ryan settled his weight on the bed, careful not to crush Gavin as he let his body come down and his hands, no longer holding him up, readily curled into Gavin's wild hair. He put so much product in it to keep it the fluffy mess he loved so much that Ryan had to stop himself from cringing at how his fingers slid through it, settling for a light grip with one hand as the other trailed down his face. He broke from the kiss to lean over and lick the shell of Gavin's ear, smirking at the shiver, and nipped the lobe. Gavin squirmed and made a tiny noise Ryan couldn't quite make out, but it must have been positive because his hands were on Ryan's back then and he was pushing against him, rutting.

“Slow down,” Ryan said, with a laugh, sucking on Gavin's earlobe to produce exactly the opposite reaction, hand carding into his hair and tugging occasionally as Gavin whined and writhed. He didn't spend too long there, moving down to kiss and mouth at his neck and suck light hickies there. Work and the office came to mind, but it was Saturday and Gavin had an entire day to worry and let the bruises fade before they came in on Monday. He kept from sucking anything too dark all the same, moving on after a few moments to nose at Gavin's collar.

All the moving around jostled his glasses and smeared them with oils from their skin, and Ryan was tempted to take them off when he saw the smudges in his vision as he unbuttoned Gavin's shirt. The way he was staring at Ryan, though, was too perfect. Open mouth and flushed cheeks, watching curiously as Ryan unbutton Gavin's shirt, a vision that would be blurred if he removed his lenses. He'd had plenty of partners and never wore the glasses to bed, content to focus on feelings and touches. This, however, was different. He wanted to _see_ Gavin, to watch every movement of his face as he took him apart bit by bit and put him back together, to see the details of his body as he moved under him in the low light. He could deal with smudging for all of that.

Ryan wiped the glasses clean on the bed and quickly put them back on, lips quirking as Gavin pulled off his now open shirt and tossed it over the bed. “You too,” Gavin said quickly, sitting up to pull at Ryan and work his top off. He complied easily, slipping the shirt off and throwing it similarly. Ryan sat up on his knees to chuck his pants and boxers, too, grinning at the way Gavin stared before getting himself equally naked. Gavin freely admired Ryan as he undressed, his hands coming up to paw down his chest and feel the muscles tentatively when he finished and they were both bare. Ryan enjoyed the view as well, smirking at the furry carpet Gavin kept hidden under his clothes all day. He might be skinnier than Ryan and a few inches shorter, but his body was more than masculine enough for him.

He ran a hand down Gavin's chest, thumb going for a nipple and rubbing across it. Gavin shifted a little, still staring at Ryan. Hoping for a better reaction, Ryan leaned down and flicked the same nub with his tongue. “Ryan,” Gavin said, but it wasn't the breath of pleasure Ryan had hoped. He sat up again, lips pursed at the little pout Gavin was giving him.

“Your nipples aren't a thing, huh?” he said, tilting his head.

Gavin stiffened, and shook his head, pushing the hand Ryan still had on his chest away. “The first guy tried it,” he whispered, swallowing. “Mostly it was uncomfortable.”

“I'm sorry.” Ryan quickly brought Gavin closer to kiss his forehead, silently repeating the information in his head for next time. A shame, since nipple play was something he'd had fun with in the past, but if it wasn't Gavin's cup of tea then he could leave it alone. Pulling back, he caught Gavin's eyes on his chest again, hands still running down it and flexing against the muscles. “But it looks like torsos are a turn on,” he said, chuckling.

“I didn't get much of a chance to admire anything last time,” Gavin said. “You're so _big_.” Ryan looked down and snorted, and Gavin seemed to realize he'd made yet another faux pas. “I didn't mean it that way!” he whined, ducking to press his face to Ryan's chest and hide. The hiding lasted all of a few seconds, and Ryan gasped lightly at the feel of Gavin kissing him gently. He pressed a few kisses between Ryan's pecs, hands going to his side as he moved lower and stuck his tongue out, licking with quick flicks before kissing again. Ryan set his hands tentatively on Gavin's head, enjoying the heat with a slight edge of ticklishness to it, forcing a couple squirms. Gavin was taking charge, sending sparks and tingles up his spine. Ryan could feel his cock getting harder, but this wasn't what he wanted. Gavin should be below him and begging for the attention, not forcing him to sit still as he mouthed at his chest and belly.

With a grunt, Ryan forced Gavin back by his hair, careful not to pull too hard and hurt him, and pushed him into the sheets. Gavin's eyes went wide and he wriggled, legs pushing at his thighs to get the leverage back. “Ryan,” he whined, “I was in the _middle_ of something.”

“Were you gonna give me a blowjob?” Ryan asked with a smirk, tongue peeking out through his laugh at the way Gavin's lips clamped shut and he looked away. “Isn't your gag reflex notoriously terrible? If I remember correctly, we even made one or two videos about it.”

Gavin did not appreciate the sarcasm, glaring even as Ryan settled over his hips and ran hands over him, touching his cock gently before trailing off. Ryan yearned to work him over and send Gavin into incoherent babbling as he begged for attention.

“It's not that bad,” Gavin said, in answer, skin tinting pinker at the quick look of doubt from Ryan. “Okay, it's awful,” he admitted, “but I wanted to try. It's mostly food that sets it off, anyway. I thought--”

Ryan leaned up and silenced him with a kiss, lips dragging heavy over Gavin's and pressing slow against his jaw. He heard Gavin's breath hitching as he worked down his neck again, nosing his collar and sucking. Already bruises had started to form up the sides of the skin, and he figured Gavin would chew him out if he did too much damage, so Ryan pulled back and grinned down at him. “Let me take care of you,” he said, kissing Gavin again. “There's plenty of time for trying things. I wanna make you feel good tonight.”

Gavin's brow furrowed, and he reached one hand up to cup Ryan's cheek. “What do you mean, take care of me?”

Pulling back slightly, it was Ryan's turn to blush. He'd nearly forgotten Gavin wasn't used to the language he used around his flings; usually when he said that, whoever he happened to be with easily gave up control and let Ryan take the lead, taking charge only if Ryan told them to. In his experience, it was more fun to be the one giving the orders and pleasuring his partner. He'd bet his next paycheck Gavin was brand spanking new to anything outside vanilla sex, even the power exchanges that were tame to Ryan by now.

He adjusted his seat to be sure he wasn't crushing Gavin, and said, “That's, ah, kind of my thing with people. I like being in charge. Is that okay?” He met Gavin's eyes, in what he hoped was an open expression. It wouldn't be the most ideal if he had to give up what he was used to and go back to the basics, to let Gavin do some of the pushing and pulling, but he could do it if it was what Gavin wanted, especially knowing he could get skittish and run off again.

Gavin's eyes narrowed, and he pushed up a little to sit on his elbows. “Depends,” he said, licking his lips and glancing about the room. His eyes fell briefly on the closet against the wall. Ryan's heart skipped a beat, a vision of all the toys he had in there flashing in his mind and what Gavin might say if he _knew_ , but Gavin looked away again and stared for a moment at the spot at the base of Ryan's neck. “Does being in charge involve whips and chains and stuff?” he asked, quieter.

Ryan barked a laugh, so loud it made Gavin jump, and he was quick to soothe him with a hand rubbing up and down his shoulder. “That would be BDSM,” he said, “and I don't dip too heavily in that stuff.” The qualifier made Gavin raise a brow, but he said nothing as Ryan continued, “I meant that I like being the one doing everything. I was hoping you could just lie down and let me make you feel good.”

Pursing his lips, Gavin shifted on the bed again, and Ryan moved back to sit on his thighs rather than his hips, giving Gavin extra room. He took it gratefully, sitting up fully to be at eye level with Ryan and place a hesitant kiss on his lips. “That's hardly fair,” he muttered, kissing him again, and prodding the corner of his glasses with a playful finger. He was smiling, and it sent waves of relief through Ryan's chest. “Isn't that basically what you did last time? I remember being kinda blown away by how focused you were on me.”

“Did I?” He had honestly forgotten exactly how it all went down, and could probably remember the details if given the time, but at the moment he didn't care, and said, “Did you not like it?”

“It made me feel like I wasn't participating,” Gavin admitted, casting his eyes down.

Well, fuck, that wasn't what he'd been going for. Ryan curled his fingers around Gavin's face, kissing him again and nuzzling against the corner of his jaw. “I'm sorry,” he said, “I thought you would like it. You're always begging people in the office to do your work, you know.” He smirked at that and laughed when Gavin gave a little scoff.

“Please,” he said, “do not make me think of the office here. Besides, I _love_ to work when I'm doing something I enjoy. Which is why I want to have a little fun here.” Gavin pushed at Ryan's hips, urging him up and off, and waiting until he settled on his knees at the base of the bed before kneeling himself. Lowered to be level with his abdomen, Gavin started up the ritual of kissing and licking his belly again, the hands on Ryan's upper thighs stroking and massaging. “I want to try,” Gavin murmured, eyes flicking up to him briefly. “I'll stop if I get uncomfortable, all right?”

The idea of giving control over to Gavin was new, and made Ryan's gut curl a little, but he nodded. He had done this, let his lovers take control, when he was young and inexperienced and hadn't found out how much he liked being the one calling the shots. He could do the basics of sex and make it an equal partnership.

It would make it all the more satisfying to break Gavin down when he got the chance.

For now, he enjoyed it as Gavin worked his way down his body, stopping at his hard cock and sucking in a little breath. Ryan let his hands fall to the sheets and relaxed a bit, sinking into the mattress, as Gavin eyed him and worked up his courage. It was sweet, really, and Ryan smiled a little at the sight of an embarrassed and red faced Gavin tilting his head and licking his lips. “Have you done this before?” he asked suddenly, breaking his concentration.

Gavin looked up, and gave a half hearted laugh. “No, actually,” he admitted. “You won't push me, will you?”

“Never.” Ryan shook his head and wrenched his fingers in the sheets, determined not to do anything that might force Gavin to take more than he could. Gavin nodded gratefully and shuffled closer, one hand coming up to grab Ryan and give a tentative stroke.

It took more control than it should have not to grab Gavin by the hair and encourage him, as Ryan had done too many time before. He merely bit his lip and worked his hips forward as Gavin stroked, thumbing the head occasionally and bending close to give an experimental lick. “Ugh,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “You'd think it would taste better, for how enthusiastic some people are with this.”

Reminding himself to inform Gavin later that porn didn't quite work like real life, he said, “Yeah, it's not exactly the most marketable flavor.”

“What, like they'd give out knob flavored popsicles or something?” Gavin's laugh sent hot air over the head of his cock and Ryan couldn't help the tiny gasp he let out, the anticipation ruining him more than anything. Gavin raised a brow. “Maybe I should get on with it,” he muttered, stroking a couple more times before slowly, carefully, opening his mouth and taking in the tip.

It'd been too long. Ryan let out a low groan and clenched his hands again, waiting while Gavin adjusted to the taste and feeling and squeezed around the shaft to make up for it. When he'd gotten a handle on breathing through his nose, he brought his tongue up to lick the head and sucked lightly, working over the head as he figured out his methods. Ryan did his best to keep quiet, and again, _not_ grab Gavin and urge him to take more.

Eventually Gavin did, though, opening his lips a little wider and bending lower, only managing another inch or so before he gagged and sat up. He buried his mouth in his elbow, coughing violently. “Fuck, sorry,” he said, wiping the saliva from his lips. “Here, lemme try again.” Gavin leaned down, prepared to start over.

Ryan put both hands on his shoulders and kept him sitting up, quirking his lips at the disgruntled look. “How about we move on?” he suggested. “It felt good, Gav, really, but there's other stuff I want to try. We have plenty of time to learn about blowjobs, okay?”

After a moment's hesitation, Gavin nodded, and let Ryan push him on his back. Once more Ryan sat above him, leaving space between their bodies as he thought through what he wanted to do. He kissed Gavin all the while, working him over slowly with massaging hands down his sides and little rocks of his hips that had Gavin stuttering, arching, as Ryan nipped at his collar and licked up his jaw. “You're so pretty,” he said, teasing the earlobe he hadn't paid attention to before. Gavin whimpered and leaned into him, breath warm and fast. Ryan moved back to his lips and pressed his tongue in, Gavin opening easily to him. A quick peek during the kiss told him that Gavin was looking too, and the slight awkwardness of kissing with eyes open was erased by the way his gaze traced over him.

Suddenly, Ryan knew what he wanted to do. Something new but not frightening to work out exactly where Gavin drew the line. He barely remembered what Gavin had said he'd done with other men, but Ryan tried to keep it in mind as he slid down. Gavin gasped at the sight of him shifting across the bed, fingers skating over his skin in feather light touches that had him squirming again, begging quietly for more, but of what he didn't say. Ryan smirked and kissed the inside of his thighs when he got there, bringing his head up to lick once at the head of Gavin's cock.

Gavin jumped and hissed, working his hips up to get more. But Ryan had something else in mind, and sat up, hands under Gavin's knees to bend and spread them, keeping Gavin open and vulnerable to him. “Is this all right?” he asked quickly, noticing the way Gavin's breathing had slowed and he was staring at him.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice shaky. “Um, what are you . . .?”

“I have something in mind.” Without elaborating further, Ryan made a 'stay here' motion with his hand, and crawled off the bed to rummage in his bedside drawer. He found the lube and condoms, taking a bottle and one of the squares in case he needed it. Gavin said he didn't like being fucked the last time, although Ryan suspected that had more to do with the capabilities of his partner. Still, he wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Back on the bed, he tossed the condom off near the pillow, quick to say, “We don't have to fuck, I wanted it out, just in case.” He waited for Gavin's hesitant nod before he bent down again, slipping one hand under Gavin's knee and letting the other be pushed to the side. Ryan licked his lips, staring at Gavin's pulsing dick and, more importantly at this moment, his asshole. It was something he'd done before, and if Gavin was receptive, he'd like to try. With his other hand over Gavin's thigh, he finally met his eyes and asked, “Would you be up for something new?”

Gavin sat up a little on his elbows, skin flushed and lips parted. “Are blowjobs new?” he said with a laugh, mistaken about exactly where Ryan was looking.

He shook his head. “Actually, I wanted to try eating you out.”

And if _that_ didn't color him perfectly, Ryan wasn't sure what would. Gavin sputtered and turned his eyes away, tripping over his words with the shock. “What in the bloody hell?” he finally spat, looking back with wide eyes. “Isn't that--” He stopped, licked his lips, and tried again. “Why would you want to do that?”

Ryan wiggled his eyebrows and let out a laugh at Gavin's expression. “That's why I said new, for you at least. Believe it or not, a lot of guys like it. If you don't want to,” he shrugged, letting the opening hang in the air. He would never force Gavin into anything he wouldn't be comfortable with, no matter what Ryan enjoyed in bed, and he could just as easily blow him, make him come, and call it a night not much different than their first time together. Baby steps, after all.

Gavin swallowed, though, as he considered, and Ryan sat back a little. His hands stayed on Gavin's legs, holding one up and rubbing reassuringly on the other, and the lube sat inconspicuously seated between them. He waited patiently, toying idly with the hair on Gavin's upper leg.

“It really feels good?” Gavin said finally, meeting his eyes again.

“Well,” Ryan allowed, “it's not for everybody. I think it's worth trying, though.”

Gavin took a deep breath, and nodded, so small Ryan almost missed it. “Okay,” he said, lying back. “If you think it's a good idea, I trust you.”

Ryan beamed, more thrilled than he anticipated as Gavin laid back down and brought his hands up to rest on the pillow behind him, running them through his hair occasionally. “I'll make it good,” Ryan promised, shuffling down again, so close he could practically taste Gavin. He gave another lick to his cock, a simple tease on the shaft, but it had Gavin groaning, one hand slamming down to grab the sheets and twist.

The first touch of a tongue on his ass made Gavin jump again, squirming at the feeling. He held Gavin's leg up to keep him spread and had the other in a tight grip, so Gavin didn't get very far as he shifted and let out a small whine. Ryan hesitated, looking up. “Okay there?”

Gavin hesitated, and nodded. “It surprised me.”

Ryan hummed a little acknowledgment and bent low again, pressing his tongue on Gavin's asshole and licking around it. Gavin squirmed again, less so this time as he got used to the feeling of Ryan teasing him, pushing flat on his skin before running his tongue in circles, playing with him. He groaned, hips coming up and down down. Ryan smiled and blew air out gently, sending shivers up Gavin's spine. His glasses were sliding down again and he paused to adjust them before licking again, working his tongue hard. It made the muscles in his jaw ache, having gone so long without a heavy work out, but it was worth it for the sounds Gavin was making.

Gavin panted as Ryan moved around his asshole, shifting more than once at the way he dipped his tongue in before taking it away, barely prodding. Ryan couldn't help the bloom of satisfaction in his chest when he glanced up to see Gavin's cock hard and leaking precome, begging for attention. Gavin, however, was quiet, and it wasn't what he wanted. He paused to grab the lube from where it sat between Gavin's legs, pouring some on his fingers and bringing them to his entrance. “Is it all right if I finger you?”

Gavin didn't answer out loud, but nodded and canted his hips again. Ryan took that as an eager affirmative, pressing his index finger in. Gavin's breathed hitched, and he moaned, thigh muscles flexing as he tried to thrust himself back. Ryan still had a solid hold on his leg, though, keeping it up and bent back, limiting his movement. As Gavin thrashed quietly, Ryan pushed his finger in harder and stroked his insides, not particularly aiming for it when he rubbed on Gavin's prostate.

Immediately he gasped, entire body tensing, and Ryan puffed out a tiny laugh. “That had to feel good,” he murmured, smiling cheekily at the frustrated glare from Gavin.

“Can you bloody well get on with it?” he said, looking for all the world like he meant to sound angry, but the crack in his voice and his straining cock said more than his words. Ryan thrust his finger in a couple more times, and drew back, replacing his hand on Gavin's thigh.

“Can do,” he said, licking up his perineum. Gavin about collapsed, tossing his head back in the pillows and groaning. Ryan blanched some at the taste of the lube left over, but felt grateful for its help as he pressed harder into Gavin's crotch and pushed his tongue inside. Gavin clenched around him, and Ryan felt him moving. He looked up to see him reaching for his cock with one hand, eyes closed and mouth open.

Ryan dropped Gavin's propped leg to snatch the offending hand and hold it against the sheets. “Nuh uh,” he said, ignoring the way Gavin glared at him again. His voice lowered, to the pitch he liked when he was ordering someone around. “I'm in charge now. You don't touch yourself until I say so. Understood?”

There was a brief flash in Gavin's eyes. Nerves, fright, shock, Ryan couldn't tell for sure, but they widened just a bit before relaxing, and he said, “You mean I can't have a wank while you play around down there?”

“Not unless I say.” His face relaxed a bit, and he spoke with a normal tone to say, “If that's all right with you.”

Gavin smiled at the softer tone, and his eyes flicked to where Ryan still held his hand on the bed. “Okay,” he said, with a nod, tension disappearing from his arm. He brought his right leg back up from where it fell when Ryan let go, spreading himself again. “Not unless you say so,” he repeated.

Ryan grinned at the freedom he'd been allowed, quick to bend Gavin's leg back again and put absolutely everything on display. His cock was still hard against his belly, and Ryan mouthed at it for a few seconds before returning to his previous task. Gavin gasped and pushed into his tongue when it returned, working around and inside him. Ryan did his best to hold him still, feeling Gavin's muscles tense tighter than before as he took him apart.

Eventually he brought his fingers back, moving up to lick the base of Gavin's shaft as he worked his finger inside again, along with a second one, thrusting and spreading and every so often stroking the spot that made Gavin jump and shiver. Ryan alternated between licking his cock and his asshole, moving fingers out and back in accordingly. Gavin had stopped being quiet a while ago, now letting out whimpers and cries every few seconds as the feelings overwhelmed him. Ryan mentally cheered as he spread Gavin with his tongue again. _That_ was what he wanted, Gavin practically begging for it as he writhed on the bed.

“Ryan,” Gavin gasped, as he was thrusting his tongue in yet again, “fuck me, _please_ , I can't take this anymore, Christ.” His muscles clenched and Ryan could feel his legs clamping tight, trying not to suffocate him but needing desperately to wrap around him. Ryan stopped his ministrations to look at Gavin, one hand twisted in the sheets and the other hovering above his hip as he did his best not to touch himself, like Ryan had asked.

Ryan grinned at the sight.

“You,” he said slowly, sitting up, “are the image of coming undone about now.”

Gavin whined and wriggled his hips again, cock bouncing against his stomach. “Just fuck me already,” he said, glancing to the side where the condom had been tossed. It had jostled on the sheets with their activity, but sat innocently enough by Gavin's hip.

Ryan quirked a brow, leaning over Gavin to kiss him again, slow and languid. Gavin let him, but grunted into it, mouth opening quickly. Ryan spared him a few sweeps of his tongue, probably not the best taste by the way Gavin gagged and pulled back. “Ugh, bad idea,” Gavin said, spitting saliva over the edge of the bed. “You taste like lube.”

Ryan laughed, and relaxed, eying the condom again. “Do you actually want me to fuck you?”

“You bloody well prepared me for it, didn't you?”

“Not if you don't want.” He kissed Gavin's cheek, trailing down his neck and biting there. “Anal play doesn't have to lead to fucking,” he said into Gavin's skin, placing a final peck and drawing back to sit away from Gavin's legs. Gavin pulled them up when he was given the room, looking at Ryan.

“I kind of _do_ want to,” he admitted, shrugging and ducking his face. “Whatever the hell you did there, it felt really good. You, ah, know what you're doing.”

Ryan leaned over to pick up the condom, flashing it at Gavin. “You sure?”

He paused, staring at the little foil wrapper, and nodded. “Yes, Rye.” He looked him in the eyes again and did his best coy smirk. “Fuck me, _hard_.”

Heat ran through Ryan straight to his groin, and he gulped. How could he not oblige that request? Returning the smile, he urged Gavin to sit back again and spread his legs, giving his cock a couple strokes as he tore the condom with his teeth, careful not to rip the latex inside. Despite Gavin's order for harshness, he went slow, putting the condom over his cock and hitching Gavin's legs around his waist, watching his face all the while for a sudden change of mind. Gavin only stared at their hips, at Ryan's cock about to enter him, and glanced up to his face with another minute nod. Ryan smiled, bending Gavin enough that he could lean over and lock lips. Gavin didn't gag again, and he took the chance to brush his tongue over and inside his mouth.

The distraction worked well, Gavin barely noticing what Ryan did until his cock started to enter him, breaking the kiss to hiss out a quiet noise. Ryan hummed his sympathy, resisting the overwhelming urge to pound roughly inside, as he waited for Gavin to adjust. He moved an inch at a time, pulling back in little thrusts and working inside, as Gavin squeezed him unconsciously and writhed beneath him. Ryan kissed him again and again to keep his mind off the stretch, moving down his neck and playing with his ears, hands tight on Gavin's hips.

When he bottomed out, Ryan stilled, waiting for Gavin's okay. He'd done a lot of fucking men in the past, in addition to getting fucked, but he had never been with a first timer before. He didn't dare move a millimeter until Gavin said he was comfortable.

Gavin clenched around him a couple more times, breathing hard through his nose and bringing a hand up to curl around Ryan's neck, keeping him close and kissing him as he got used to it. After a couple minutes, Ryan asked, “How does it feel?” because he couldn't stand the silence and he wanted verbal confirmation.

“Good,” Gavin said, eyes flicking down to the space where their hips joined. “Not _good_ good, I mean, but, I'm not in pain or anything. It's weird.” He wriggled a little and clenched again, the tightness prompting a hiss and a bite of his lower lip from Ryan. God, but he was going to lose it before Gavin was ready, and he tightened his hands on Gavin's hips to get some of the energy out. “I think,” Gavin said, bringing his other hand up to lock both around Ryan's neck, “you can move now.”

“All right,” Ryan breathed, taking only another second to let Gavin change his mind before drawing out, leaning close and tucking his face next to Gavin's as he thrust back in. Gavin let out a surprised noise, but he didn't protest or tell Ryan to stop, so he continued thrusting, working up a rhythm. Gavin held onto him as he did, gasping through every inhale.

Ryan knew how best to find Gavin's prostate, but he indulged himself for a little while before adjusting his angle, doing his best to get the aim right. There wasn't a magic way to do it, just an approximation, but a few thrusts later Gavin cried out and squeezed around his cock again, fingers scrabbling against his back. “That, do that again,” he begged, burying his face in Ryan's shoulder. Ryan was more than happy to listen, managing to run his cock along the spot often enough that Gavin tightened his legs around his waist and let out a string of curses.

Neither of them lasted long after that. Ryan adjusted his grip on Gavin's hips several times, pushing further into him and stopping once or twice to kiss him, both their mouths open and lazily dragging over each other rather than exchanging any kind of real contact. Ryan ran his fingers through Gavin's chest hair a few times, making another comment about the carpet on his chest that prompted a laugh from Gavin, which made his muscles clench and Ryan moan again, hips stuttering.

When he felt himself coming close, he bent down low next to Gavin's ear and said, “Try to hold off until I come, all right?” He moved back to look in Gavin's eyes, assessing his reaction, but Gavin nodded quickly, eyes closed and more focused on rutting back into Ryan's cock than anything else. Ryan smirked and thrust again, picking up speed as he felt himself tilting over the edge. He buried his face in Gavin's shoulder, panting and open mouthed as he worked through his orgasm, eventually stilling and pulling out.

Gavin whined a little, fingers reaching out for him. Ryan caught one hand and kissed his palm while he took off his condom and edged off the bed to toss in the trash. “Ryan,” Gavin said, grabbing his arm to tug him close. “Ryan, please--”

“I've got you,” he said, smiling as he nudged Gavin over and put a hand over his cock. Gavin thrust eagerly into his hand, toes curled and body rising into the touch. He writhed and arched, crying out as he came over Ryan's hand and his own stomach. Ryan kept stroking him until he saw Gavin's mouth turn down just a bit, a sign that it was starting to get uncomfortable, and he let go to bring his hand up and casually lick the come off it.

“Why,” Gavin said, breathing heavy as he watched, “are you so awful.”

Ryan blinked, and frowned. “Was it bad?”

Gavin laughed and turned on his side to properly face him. “No, lovely, I didn't mean-- you're teasing me,” he clarified, gesturing vaguely to Ryan's hand. “I'm not gonna be able to get that image out of my head for a while.”

At the reassurance, Ryan's eyes narrowed a bit, and he leaned close to kiss Gavin again, a quick peck before he lay back on the pillows and brought his arm around to pull him into an embrace. “Remember it for next time,” he said, nuzzling into Gavin's hair. His glasses clicked against his face, and he stopped, slipping them off and leaning behind himself to put them on the bedside table.

“Aw,” Gavin jokingly whined, looking to the glasses and back at Ryan. “You really _did_ look good in those. I'm not sure I'll ever forget you peeking over them while you ate out my arsehole.” He made a face, somewhere between puzzled and intrigued. “Where did you learn about that?”

“I wouldn't remember,” Ryan said, tucking Gavin's head under his chin so his face was against Ryan's chest. “But I'm glad you liked it, regardless. There's a lot more where that came from.”

“A lot more as in . . .?”

“As in vanilla things we can try,” he said, puffing air into Gavin's wild hair, somewhat flattened with sweat and the friction of being rubbed into the pillows. There were some things even Gavin's hair gel couldn't withstand. “I meant it when I said we don't have to do kink things if you don't want to.”

“I might be willing,” Gavin said, bending his face into the crook between Ryan's chest and bicep, as his hands crept around his waist. “Not all at once, though, and I'm not sure I'd be into the heavy stuff.” He paused. “What do you mean by vanilla?”

Ryan barked out a laugh that startled Gavin, who brought his head up from where it rested to furrow his brow accusingly. Ryan grinned down at him and swooped in for another kiss. “It's basic sex,” he said, placing another kiss on Gavin's cheek. “Just two people having fun without any toys or special clothes or anything, like how vanilla is considered a really simple flavor of ice cream.”

“Oh.” Gavin glanced at the bedroom door. “Speaking of ice cream, I think we forgot about ours. It's probably melted by now.”

“Eh.” Ryan shrugged, pulling him closer to hook his leg over Gavin's and effectively trapping him. “There's more where that came from. Right now I could use a nap.”

“Can I shower first?” Gavin wriggled away to look down at his own stomach. “The jizz is starting to dry out and it's kind of gross.”

“Sure.” Ryan released him immediately and pointed to the door on the east wall. “Bathroom is through there, the shower is simple enough to work. You want me to join you?” He couldn't resist flashing his teeth and raising an eyebrow suggestively.

Gavin slapped him on the shoulder. “I'm fine,” he said, giggling as he stood up, and winced, turning around as he touched his ass. “That's gonna be sore,” he muttered, patting it ineffectually.

Ryan's smile slipped away, and he sat up. “I'm sorry, I tried to be gentle, I knew it was your first--”

He was quieted by a finger against his lips, and Gavin smiling at him again. “You were amazing,” Gavin said, kissing him. “I'll be fine. Stay here and I'm gonna shower, and then maybe we can bring in those ice cream dishes to finish off, hm?”

Ryan nodded, leaning back and watching without an ounce of shame as Gavin walked away, already thinking about what else they could do together. He hadn't been lying when he said they had options; he could think of an array of positions and places to try fucking without delving anywhere close to the things Ryan was used to. If Gavin were receptive, they'd be in for a fun time.

His eyes went to the closet, and the multitude of toys he'd picked up over the years. It wasn't all over the top, and in fact some of it could be considered pretty tame, like the blindfolds and cotton ropes he had, but he did worry about showing any of it to Gavin. He hadn't meant for him to see the vibrator at all; in truth he'd nearly forgotten it was even in the bathroom, it had been so long since he used it. But that was fairly simple and Ryan had no idea how Gavin might react if he saw some of the other things Ryan kept around.

Gavin said he was willing, though. The way he blushed and looked away as he said it told Ryan more than words could have, and if he played his cards right, he might not scare him away by introducing him to a few things. But, baby steps. First they would figure out where they stood with each other and establish a rhythm, and be sure they could actually work as a couple, before Ryan opened the closet door for any length of time.

A couple. Ryan laid his head on the pillow, grinning as he thought of it. He liked the sound of that. He'd never really been part of a couple before, unless he counted that time in Florida with the guy who ran a flower shop, but that hadn't been public and Ryan only saw him once a week, lest the guy's parents get suspicious. That had been the saddest Ryan felt leaving a partner. Until Gavin had shut him out, that was, because then he risked not only a romance, but a strong friendship as well.

Thankfully things hadn't gone south, and he could hear Gavin in his bathroom now, turning the shower off. He walked out a moment later, toweling his hair quickly before chucking the cloth back through the doorway and padding over. Ryan flipped the sheets back and held an arm out, sighing contentedly as Gavin slid into his embrace. “Good shower?”

“Top,” Gavin said, tucking back into Ryan's chest. “Your pressure is bloody amazing, better than at Geoff's house. I keep telling him that when I can afford it I'm putting the best damn shower I can in my little loft, but maybe I'll just come over here instead.”

Ryan kissed the top of his head, lying back again as he curled his legs over Gavin's. “I'd like that.”

They forgot about the ice cream again, and when Ryan got up the next morning, he found a few flies drowning in the melted remains. There was more where that came from, though, and with little regret he poured the no longer frozen treat in the garbage and tossed the dirty bowls in the sink. Gavin came up behind him as he did, kissing his shoulder and his arms wrapped around Ryan's waist.

“Morning,” Ryan said, putting one hand over Gavin's and squeezing.

“Good morning.”

Ryan bit his lip, hesitant to ask what he wanted. But he had to know. “You're not freaking out, are you?” he said, making it sound like a joke. The heaviness in his tone couldn't be avoided, and it made Gavin pause in where he was laying little pecks in the dip of Ryan's spine.

“No,” he decided, pulling back to walk around and face Ryan's front, one hand still holding his. “I am most definitely not freaking out.” He leaned up and kissed him, pulling back sheepishly. “Okay, maybe a little,” he admitted, biting his lip. “But not enough to run away. I had fun last night, and I really like you, Ryan. I wanna give this a shot.”

That was all Ryan could really ask for. It was his turn to put his arms around Gavin, tugging him close for another kiss, this one slower and pressing heavily until Gavin opened his mouth, and they enjoyed standing in Ryan's kitchen, making out and dressed in nothing but boxer shorts.

 

* * *

It was only a matter of time, really, before the whole office found out.

The next day Gavin arrived at work with Geoff, having gone home on Sunday after a long breakfast and a session of video games with Ryan. He'd thought maybe Gavin would want to have another romp in the sheets, but when he asked, Gavin had shrugged and said, “Not all at once.” Which Ryan took to mean that even though Gavin liked him and wasn't going to freak out, he still needed time to adjust to the thought of dating a man and opening himself up to possible criticism. He left him alone about it and drove Gavin home in the afternoon, smiling at Geoff as best he could, knowing he'd effectively slept with his adopted son. Not that Geoff would put a shotgun to his head or anything, but the raised eyebrow as Gavin said a cheery hello and brushed past him to get to his house in the backyard made Ryan think twice about walking over to ask about work. Instead, he'd waved and driven back home.

The protective attitude seemed to stretch only as far as his house, though, and when Ryan came in to greet the pair on Monday, Geoff didn't act any different toward him. He breathed a sigh of relief before looking down at Gavin in his chair and putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. Gavin beamed, but Ryan didn't miss the way his eyes flicked around the room. He didn't want people knowing. Ryan took the hint and grabbed the headphones he needed from where he left them on the couch, turning back to go to his other desk.

Lindsay knew the moment she saw him, perceptive as she was. If anyone knew the drama of the situation, it was her, sitting next to Ryan every day and catching the way he had glanced worryingly at Gavin during their fight. She looked up at him now, as he practically skipped to his desk, and beamed. “Did the date go well?”

Ryan blushed, though he did his best to hide it by acting casual. “How would you know about that?” She hadn't been sitting at their shared space when Gavin asked about it.

She shrugged, as if it were obvious. “Gavin about had a meltdown with his date clothes. He wouldn't stop texting Michael. Speaking of.” Lindsay looked up as she saw Michael sauntering in, half standing to kiss him over her computer as he handed her a can of Red Bull. “Thanks, babe.”

“Welcome,” Michael muttered, stepping back. He threw a glance at Ryan. “How was it?”

Lindsay, reminded of her original question, turned gleefully toward him.

Ryan looked between them both, and around the warehouse at everyone else working. None of them seemed to be listening, although they could have headphones on without any work to give the illusion of distraction. He spoke quietly when he said, “It went very well, thank you. But don't go poking around. Gavin asked to keep this private, and if it comes out, he might get upset again. And do we really want that?”

Lindsay was quick to lose her impish grin and shake her head at him, sipping her drink. “No way, not after last time. Congrats, though.” She smiled again. “I'm glad you guys are making each other happy.”

Ryan shrugged a shoulder, not sure if he was comfortable with the implication of a future there. He had enough to think of without worrying whether he could make Gavin happy over time. Although the thought wasn't unpleasant in itself.

“Yeah, good job,” Michael agreed, with a quick nod. “Provided whatever the hell happened last time doesn't happen again, you two morons are pretty good for each other.” He smiled at Lindsay, and gave Ryan a wave. “We got a recording to do later, Geoff will text you when it's time,” he said, as he turned and walked out of the warehouse.

Lindsay waggled her eyebrows at him as Ryan sat back and started his computer up, but made no further mention of the date and started her own work station. Ryan couldn't help the little swell in his chest at their approval. Michael was Gavin's best friend, and Lindsay liked helping anyone she could that seemed in need of it. If they both approved, after the mess he and Gavin had gone through to get to a stable point, he felt all the better about his decisions.

A couple hours later, his phone vibrated with a message from Geoff, to come in and record the biking game Jack had pulled off the shelf last week. It was an old game, but supposedly a good one, and there was a race none of them had completed that Jack thought would be a good challenge. Ryan took his headphones and his portable station from under his desk, and went to the Achievement Hunter office.

Looking at Gavin was like instinct, Ryan's head going to the corner he sat in, tucked behind the door. He waved as he sat at his couch, and Gavin smiled at him. As much as he might like to go up and kiss him, proclaiming to the office how he felt, Ryan respected his wishes for privacy, and stayed seated while Gavin got up to pick up a copy of the game and turn his xbox on. But he couldn't resist stealing glances, occasionally catching Gavin's eyes and grinning or making an exaggerated face. Gavin giggled and ducked his head. Ryan felt like a high school dork again, when he'd flirted with the first boy he knew to be gay because he could.

From the corner, Geoff peeked at them both, tilting his head at Ryan. “Let's get this race started, shall we?” He sat up straighter as he brought his headphones up, glancing one last time at them. Ryan shrugged and followed Geoff's lead.

Their flirting didn't end with the start of the recording, though. Gavin and Ryan started the race in roughly the same spot, and couldn't resist letting quips fly as they battled for front. “Come on, Gavin, you know you want to let me win,” Ryan said, chancing a look at Gavin's desk.

Gavin didn't look away, but said into the mic, “As if, Rye bread. I always come out on top.”

“Do you, now?”

Laughter burst in the room, an automatic reaction at the implication. Gavin didn't risk turning from his desk and risk losing his spot in the race, but he said, “Top spot goes to the most skilled, yeah?” And even in context it would be absolute bullshit, but Ryan laughed anyway, because Gavin was joking about it, which meant he felt comfortable. Maybe not enough to publicly declare himself, but he wasn't shying away, either. It filled him with warmth to think Gavin was, however slowly, growing into himself.

A couple of the guys moaned at their banter, and Ray didn't hesitate to tell them to get a room. Gavin did go a little stiff at that, but he rolled the comment off his shoulders and fired back at Ray, passing him in game as he did so. There weren't any other bumps during the recording, and after a few rounds Ray was declared the winner overall, as he often was. The boys shut their game down and stopped recording. The week was slow and they didn't have many other recordings to do, but Ryan knew of at least one more today, and packing up his desk was an effort, so he forewent it and settled down in the couch.

A couple minutes later Gavin stood, stretching. “Hey, Ryan,” he said, as casually as he could. “Do you want to get lunch with me?”

“Gonna make out in the car, I bet,” Michael said under his breath, glancing at them both with a smile.

Gavin frowned and shook his head, making like he was fluffing his hair as he stared Michael down. “Thanks for the suggestion, Michael, but it's lunch. No need to get all gross about it.” His tone was light, and he threw a smirk at Ryan to let him know he didn't mean any of it.

“I'm just saying,” Michael pressed, “you guys are all over each other and we haven't seen _one_ kiss. Any reason you're holding back?”

God damn it, Michael. Ryan leveled a stare at him, but Michael met him just as strong. The fucker probably thought he was helping, prodding Gavin out of the shell he'd already resolved to leave, though at this point too much pushing might send him scurrying back inside. Ryan wondered how much he knew about Gavin's wish to keep things private. It would be exactly like Gavin to forget to tell Michael to keep quiet.

Ryan stood quickly and went to Gavin's side, reaching for the door. “Let's just go,” he said.

“No, wait.” Gavin put a hand on his arm, stopping him. “Michael's right.” He dragged Ryan back in the room. The other men looked up at the determined tone, watching curiously. Gavin hesitated, meeting their eyes, before he inhaled, leaned in, and kissed Ryan on the cheek.

“There,” he said, “now you know. Ryan and I are dating, you can drop it.”

A beat passed, and the other four men burst out laughing. Geoff slammed the desk with his palm, voice cracking as he let out the high giggles reserved for the funniest gaming moments. Jack laughed heartily, shaking his head. Ray held his gut as he bent over the chair, and Michael sniggered under his breath.

Jack recovered first. “You think we didn't know?”

“You idiots were dancing around each other for forever.” Ray wiped an errant tear from his eye as he settled back in his chair. “Chill out, Gavin, we were teasing.”

Michael stood, snatching Gavin's arm and hugging him. “I didn't think you had to hide it,” he said, as he let go. “No one's gonna judge, so go ahead and be dorks around each other. No need to restrain it.” His lips curled as he laughed again. “But a kiss on the cheek? Really? You can do better than that.”

Gavin frowned, glancing at Ryan and back at his best friend. “Fine, then,” he said, slipping in front of Ryan with his back to Michael. He smiled, playfully tapping the corners of his glasses frames. “You still look really good in those,” he said, as he leaned up and kissed Ryan full on the mouth.

Ryan leaned back a little, eyes going wide. The bubble of noise in the office popped like a balloon, and for a moment he listened to the hitched breath of the men watching them, sure that they would speak up about PDA or Gavin's sudden daring. But when nothing came, Ryan relaxed, slipping his hands to Gavin's waist and tilting his head to better press against his lips. It may have gone on a second too long, judging by the loud cough from Geoff, and Ryan grinned as Gavin pulled away. Quiet enough that the others didn't hear, he murmured, “You didn't have to do that.”

Gavin shrugged. “I wanted to,” he whispered back, sticking his tongue out.

“Jesus,” Geoff says from the corner, prompting the two to look at him. “If you're gonna do that shit, keep it out of my office.” He was smiling as he said it though, and the relieved look he shot Ryan spoke volumes. Gavin wasn't freaking out about the accusations or the fact that he just kissed his obviously male coworker in front of everyone in the room. Ryan thought he could feel him twitching more than usual, his legs shifting his weight under Ryan's hands, and his face was trained on the floor as Geoff laughed at the two of them. Ryan suspected it would take a long time for him to be totally comfortable. It was a start, though.

“All right,” Ryan agreed, nodding swiftly at Geoff. “We'll feel free to make out on our lunch break, then. Gavin?”

Gavin started, and smiled, pulling Ryan to the door. As he swung it open and dragged Ryan by the hand, he yelled, “See you losers later, I've got a bloody date!”

Ryan couldn't have enjoyed the look on Gavin's face more, eager and bright and cautiously hopeful. He let Gavin tug him out of the building, hurrying past the people who watched them leave, out to Ryan's car. He stopped there, keeping a hold of Ryan's hands. “Was that okay?” he said, peering up at him. “Kissing you like that?”

Shrugging, Ryan ducked down to give him a swift peck on the lips. “If you're comfortable with it, so am I. We'll take it one step at a time.”

Gavin beamed at him, snatching his collar to kiss him proper once more, before opening the passenger door and slipping inside. Ryan took the driver's seat, his car and his heart already feeling more full with Gavin's presence as he listened to him rattle off the restaurants they could hit for lunch today. He'd never gone out like this, in quiet happiness with someone he expected, someone he _hoped_ , to keep seeing longer than a few months. If Gavin could handle something new and scary, so could Ryan, and he let one hand steer while he reached out with the other to hold Gavin's hand. Gavin stopped speaking, surprised, and curled his fingers tight around Ryan's palm.

One step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is! I had so much fun writing this. It's been a months long project of writing, rewriting, editing, and stress, but overall I had an amazing time, and this story has taught me a lot. 
> 
> As originally stated in part one, this story was inspired by a piece of artwork created by Rooferfeef at rooferfeef.tumblr.com. It was meant to be a short PWP, but I got a plot in mind and couldn't stop writing, and that work turned to this longfic. So, here is a link to the image that inspired me, the scene of which I made sure to include in the work. It is an explicit nsfw image, but with the finish of the story, feel free to check it out without worry of spoilers as I warned for in the first part. 
> 
> http://tinyurl.com/q9m9cnt
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm grateful for all your comments and everyone who had the patience to read this. It brings me great joy to provide content for the fandom. And thank you to my betas, ymirjotunn, dormilonaluna, and youtubeimaginationstation from Tumblr. There were many parts where I was stuck in the story and couldn't see my own mistakes, and I'm grateful for the help I got.


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